My Last Breath

I sit here in silence.
Bloody, beaten and bludgeoned.
Naked, and violated and without another
Here to save me from my death.
I sit here in silence.
Ready to take my last breath.

My head is light,
And I’m without sight.
But wait, who’s this?
What’s that I hear?

A small young child,
Perishing from fear.
I hear her curled in the corner alone.
Weeping quietly of the torture she’s undergone.

“What did they do?” I ask with honest care.
“They raped me, cut me, then left me here.
Here to die, and suffer through
Their sick, and twisted, gross abuse.

The room is silent,
Once again.
I’m forced to focus
On the pain throughout my limbs.

My broken rib,
And punctured lung.
The skin torn to shreds,
And my bashed in head.

I feel the blood trickling down,
My face, my legs, and to the ground.
Light and dizzy I bow my head.
Breathe in, not out, now I am dead.

~Not sure with this one. Be harsh.

Wow. Just..uhm..wow.

Okay just a few things!

1. This poem is very.. well honestly its a bit disturbing. I feel so bad for the child who has been hurt, and I want to hurt the person who did it.
2.

Light and dizzy I bow my head.
Breathe in, not out, now I am dead.

Thats it?... they die? Maybe try to elaborate more?
3. In my opinion, I think you should include more feeling in this peice. The first stanza was good, included a lot of feeling and thoughts, such as violated, how they are alone. The words give the reader a sense of how they feel. After that, its mostly facts. Except for the line

“What did they do?” I ask with honest care.

It gives the character a sort of being, that while they were near death themselves they still cared for the young child.
4. You didnt use much imagery, but I can still picture this scene clearly. A basement of sorts, or a dark room. Torn clothing, ratted hair. Dark, and cold. A child, obviously in fear. An image that haunts most peoples darkest nightmares.

I really did like this poem though, so keep up the good work! :)
I hope this helped!!

-Rayne

If the above comment says that the poem was disturbing, then it seems you've done well in setting the image and connecting with the reader. I think this piece has a lot of potential to it, but it could use some work.

One thing I noticed is that you do well in keeping every stanza at a maximum of four lines except for the first stanza. If you want to keep your piece uniform regarding the line count, you may want to change that. If you don't care, then that's fine too. It's really up to you.

You should be more economic with your use of periods - there are a lot of periods where commas/semicolons should go, and what that does is that it murders the flow. Periods call for a longer pause, a sense of completion in a sentence. It threw me off a couple times when I was expecting to move on to a new idea, but then realized you were continuing on with the previous one that I thought you had already ended. Do another punctuation check and make sure your sentences flow the way you want them to and that you're content with the way the poem reads (reading it out loud helps sometimes).

Thinking that they have to capitalize every line is a common misconception that people make with poetry. While, technically, it is allowed, I personally think that it makes enjambments choppy. How you choose to keep the poem is entirely your choice, though.

You had decent word choice throughout the poem. There are some spots where simple words could be replaced with more concise ones, but overall your words all collaborate with each other smoothly. Some of your descriptions are a bit too blunt - try easing into the details and elaborating on the important areas of the piece - but again, overall you did a good job.

Sorry if you wanted me to actually go through and pick out lines so that my criticism would be more specific. It's pretty late, and I'm quite lazy Though if you have any questions at all or want me to expand on something, shoot me a PM and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Aside from that, though, great work. Like I said, this has a good amount of potential to it. Just work on it a bit more and you'll have it shining. Keep it up.

Hello,

Okay so,I liked this alot. (Not the subject of course, it's horrid that anyone could even think of doing that to anyone let alone a child.) But you did a great job with it. One thing that stuck out to me was here;

My head is light, And I’m without sight.But wait, who’s this? What’s that I hear?

I would have put "I am" instead of "I'm" but that's just me.

Anyways, good job!

I like the way this poem is writen, but I don't particually like the subject but that might just be me. Keep writing!

I felt sad as I was reading it, but I think that someone out there has felt this way. You captured that very well. Keep writing. You are really good.

Are you an Evanescence fan?

I really liked reading this; mainly because suicide and darkness really... um... interests me? :O
Naahh, I just really liked this. I can't really critisise it; sorry
Mainly because if there are no real mistakes, such as spelling mistakes and rhythm mistakes and such, it's your poem and it doesn't need critising; not from me, anyhow...
It was WAY good anyway
But I'm just saying. This is your poem and if it's empyting some hole in your head, then it's amazing

I feel the blood trickling down,
My face, my legs, and to the ground.
Light and dizzy I bow my head.
Breathe in, not out, now I am dead.

*My Favorite*
Xxxx