Call It Insanity

One morning I woke up and decided
that I'd warn them about the monsters
waiting in hell; they looked at me
with curious eyes, wondering if maybe
I could be on the borderline of insanity
and ignored me as they walked away.

My words bond together, line
by telephone line, wrapping tightly
around the poles and into the clouds,
desperately reaching out to grasp
loose strands of hair being tossed
by the wind; immaculate snowflakes
carelessly tossed by the wind;

they all run, arms flailing in the air
introducing their fractured souls
to a tainted belief in God; they're willing
to pray when storm rolls in, when time calls
from the earth: the ground begins to boil
as more trees are fed, as more ankles,
more knees, more legs are fed; I knew
someday they'd wish they had listened.

There's no use for broken wings, but
all they have are these broken wings when
line by telephone line, my words fall apart
like a tightrope and its walker, hanging
in the sky like an eagle without his talons,
so all he can do is fly until the candle
in his heart has lost it's flame, falling
from the sky like a suicide-bound plane, so
all it can do is...

Spoiler

So, basically, I reconstructed an old poem of mine to see what I could make out of it. Not that I want you to attack this or anything, but constructive criticism is definitely welcome. And, if you couldn't figure out the ending, the word you're looking for is "die." That's the one that rhymes, anyway. This poem isn't supposed to represent any specific event - it's more or less about when you warn somebody about something you're afraid is going to happen, they look at you like you're crazy, but once it actually happens they regret not listening and have to suffer the consequences. Not as complex of an idea as I'd like it to be, but yeah. Hopefully you all like it anyway. :)

I thought this was a really good poem. You used great description and it was very thorough. Reading it made me think of all different types of circumstances like that that have happened to me.. I especially loved the end. It was sort of simple and to the point.

I apologize for my recent laziness. I'm workin' on it.
Okay. On to the actual review. Let's see if I can say anything coherent.

One morning I woke up and decided
that I'd warn them about the monsters
waiting in hell;

This felt extraordinarily blunt to me: too blunt. I would ease into this. As you have it now, it kind of feels like your character gets out of bed in the morning, grinning, saying in a sing-song voice, "Hey, maybe I'll warn the world about their impending doom today! That might be a good Monday thing to do." It feels really casual.
Okay, having said that (rather harshly too, sorry 'bout that) I did like this opening. The time you open it at, and the word choice you have in the second and third lines is really nice. Capitalize "Hell" though, if you're referencing the place.

Okay: that was the main point I had to make in context. The rest is going to be a pretty big overall.
This had a lot of imagery in it-- I kind of got lost in the second stanza. Reading the words, they're really beautiful though; they're all really unique ways of expressing what you're expressing, which is what you're excellent at, but you really need to connect the images into one main point or emotion. They kind of flow from one thing to another to another and then you snap back to the story. Put some more tangible, concrete substance into it. Most of this is great idea with a lot of imagery surrounding it; the imagery just needs to transition the emotions more. You kind of have a concrete statement, lots of imagery, and then a switch in tone without much transition. Use that imagery to make that transition, and it will be much better. But, like I said, your words are beautiful (as always *jealouss*)

Here are some parts that I loved:

My words bond together, line
by telephone line, wrapping tightly
around the poles and into the clouds,

introducing their fractured souls
to a tainted belief in God;

all they have are these broken wings when
line by telephone line, my words fall apart
like a tightrope and its walker, hanging
in the sky like an eagle without his talons,

Okay. Sorry for the useless review. Awesome job though- just work on keeping on subject and whatnot.
-Coral-

earendil wrote:One morning I woke up and decided
that I'd warn them about the monsters
waiting in hell; they looked at me
with curious eyes, wondering if maybe
I could be on the borderline of insanity
and ignored me as they walked away.
I liked this stanza.
My words bond together, line
by telephone line, wrapping tightly
around the poles and into the clouds,
desperately reaching out to grasp
loose strands of hair being tossed
by the wind;I like this bit of imagery here. immaculate snowflakes
carelessly tossed by the wind;I don't really understand this part. Could you make it clearer please?

I think this should be a 'T'.they all run, arms flailing in the air
introducing their fractured souls
to a tainted belief in God; they're willing
to pray when storm rolls in, when time calls
from the earth: the ground begins to boil
as more trees are fed, as more ankles,
more knees, more legs are fed;This part was a little confusing. Could you make it clearer please? I knew
someday they'd wish they had listened.I like the way this stanza sounds

There's no use for broken wings, but
all they have are these broken wings, when
line by telephone line, my words fall apart
like a tightrope and its walker, hanging
in the sky like an eagle without his talons,
so all he can do is fly until the candle
in his heart has lost it's flame, falling
from the sky like a suicide-bound plane, so
all it can do is...Again, I liked the imagery in this stanza.

This is a very interesting poem. However, I think you should separate your sentences. Your last stanza looks like a giant run-on. It reads fine, but it looks sort-of choppy. Otherwise, this was a very good poem and I really liked your word choices.

Hey there! An interesting piece you have here, I love the title and the initial concept and I don't have many comments really. There's a few rough edges that can be shaved off but in general it's a pretty powerful poem.

One morning I woke up and decided
that I'd warn them about the monsters
waiting in hell; they looked at me
with curious eyes, wondering if maybe
I could be on the borderline of insanity
and ignored me as they walked away. [Hmmm. I find this a little contradictory. They're not ignoring, not if they've already given the persona strange looks and are wondering these things. It would be more apt for them to edge away. I know I always feel nervous when my religious friend is in one of her preaching moves so I always slowly slide away or move the subject along.]

My words bond together, line
by telephone line, wrapping tightly [Love the imagery of line, by telephone line. Very good.]
around the poles and into the clouds,
desperately reaching out to grasp
loose strands of hair being tossed [The hair is a good metaphor but what for? Evidence? People's souls? I think that needs to be clearer.]
by the wind; immaculate snowflakes
carelessly tossed by the wind; [I didn't like the repetition of tossed by the wind; it doesn't add anything to the piece.]

they all run, arms flailing in the air
introducing their fractured souls
to a tainted belief in God; they're willing [Nice line.]
to pray when the storm rolls in, when time calls
from the earth: the ground begins to boil
as more trees are fed, as more ankles,
more knees, more legs are fed; I knew
someday they'd wish they had listened. [I like this line. I love how the 'I told you so' is quite in your face and it doesn't exactly make you hate the persona but shows the flaws and, personally, it made me sympathise with those who didn't listen.]

There's no use for broken wings, but
all they have are these broken wings when [Mmm. Don't like the repetition of broken wings here. Maybe 'shredded feathers' or 'heavy aeroplane arms' could replace one?]
line by telephone line, my words fall apart [Now this is a good use of repetition. You've left it long enough that the line has faded in the reader's mind and now you re-affirm it, good work!]
like a tightrope and its walker, hanging
in the sky like an eagle without his talons,
so all he can do is fly until the candle
in his heart has lost it's its flame, falling
from the sky like a suicide-bound plane, so
all it can do is...

Interesting way to end. I'm not sure how much I like having the last word left off, though I do think it suggests a slight touch of uncertainty which certainly fits the subject at hand. Is it real, is it not? Who knows! If that was intended then nicely done ^^

Thanks for the read and I hope you'll find my comments of use,

Heather xxx