My Love Rip My Heart Out

Hey this one I'm not sure about with the wording. Please point anything out if you feel it doesn't fit.

Take your hand,
And rest it there.
Upon my chest,
With skin so bare.

Hear it beat,
My lonely heart.
It screams for help,
In this lonely dark.

I love you so.
Do you love me?
No.

So take your lengthy fingers,
And drive them through
My flesh and veins
With memories of you.

Pierce my core
And make it rupture.
My love for you,
It will not fracture.

Don’t fix my fear.
I need not your pity.
I’ll kill you then
Cry out to the city.

But how to kill
The one sustaining my life?
I must then die with you.
With this pain and this strife.

I may love you lonely,
But don’t call back.
I’ll be gone
From your silent attack.

And from our encounter tonight
You’ll not revive.
Neither you or I
Will make it out alive.

From this dark night,
Cold and black.
Much like this knife
Within my back.

Hello! I really like this poem but as you said there are some words that don't quite fit into the rest of the poem. Comments will be in bold, things I like will be in blue and things I think you should change or fix are in red.

So your rhyming pattern is,
A
B
C
B
You should try to stick to this the whole way through so the poem flows well you have done this in most parts.

Take your hand,
And rest it there.
Upon my chest,
With skin so bare.

Hear it beat,
My lonely heart.
It screams for help,
In this lonely dark.

I love you so.
Do you love me?
No. Although you go to three lines here it still has a similar rhyming pattern that works with the four liners. Good job!

So take your lengthy fingers,
And drive them through
My flesh and veins
With memories of you.

Pierce my core
And make it rupture.
For love this moment,
I will ever capture. I don't know these sentances don't seem to flow so well.

Don’t fix my fear.
I need not your pity.
I’ll kill you then
Cry for an eternity. This word does not seem to fit with the stanza, the rhyming seems a little forced.

But how to kill A
The one sustaining my life? B
I then must die with you. C
So long my lovely. D You have changed the rhyming sceme here

I love you lonely. I don't get this sentance but that may just be me.
Don’t call back.
I’ll be gone
From broken heart. Again the rhyming sceme is like the stanza above but does not fit with the rest.

And you’ll not revive.
From this dark night,
Cold and black. See last stanza.

Much like this knife
Within my back. I really like the ending it is very strong.

Overall I think this is a really good poem if I didn't fully understand your poem from your veiw just pm me. Your probably not used to the big reviews yet but we mean well so good luck!

Kakagirl here to review for you.

I didn't see any errors so your lucky. You must have edited well.

Your pace throughout the poem was really good, not slow but fast. Sometimes it came off as rushed but I don't think it was anything major.

Your description lacked a bit. There was plenty of flow but not enough exaggeration not enough words to create imagery.

The plot in general was easy enough to relate to. It got a bit confusing toward the end, did she kill herself?
I thought then ending needed to be more clearly structured. It was weak getting near the end.

Overall this has good potential but just needs a short run over again.

Keep writing Kaka xo