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No Title • Young Writers Society

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She walked
In shoes she denied were too small
Along the cliffpath towards the sea
The sun had long since set
And the breeze turned into a wind
Fluttering her scarf

In her hand
Was a lit white stick of rebellion
Though she didn't want it at all
Indeed she wanted nothing more
Than to walk and walk forever
Since, for the time being
Nothing had meaning

They talked
The noisy voices in her head
Decided what to want, what to need
Why to cry, why to bleed next
And as they did she stayed numb
A walking block of stone

She reached it
The very familiar but not dear seat
Which she sat on often on nights like these
Down she sat and her eyes gazed
Though at nothing in particular

He continued to sing
In her cloudy head, constantly
Those reapeated lyrics he had spoken
The only echos left
She waited for them to disappear

It got dark
But it was ok to leave now
The voices had soon come to a decision
She had a whole new problem now
And the echos were locked away

She walked
In shoes that rubbed her feet
Down the cliff path towards her home
The moon glowed onto her path
And the air was eerily still
Fluttering her heart
Oh the trees!
Take me back to London please!!!




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Reviews 1288
Overall, I thought it was very beautiful. But I love to nit-pick, so let's get nit-picking:

A lit white stick of rebellion

For some reason, this line seems a little awkward. I'm sorry, but I'm not really sure how to fix it.

Since, for the time being
Nothing had meaning

I suggest you read this out loud with the rest of the stanza. Does it seem natural to pause after "since"? Commas should go where you would pause when speaking. Personally, I feel that the pause should go after "being".

She reached it
The very familiar but not dear seat
Which she sat on often on nights like these
Down she sat and her eyes gazed
Though at nothing in particular

This stanza is a bit clumsy. I would rewrite it something like this:

She reached the seat,
Familiar, but not dear.
She sat here often
On nights like these,
Eyes gazing about
At nothing in particular.

He continued to sing
In her cloudy head, constantly
Those reapeated lyrics he had spoken
The only echos left
She waited for them to disappear


I think the comma in the second line is misplaced. I also think it flows better as "He constantly sang/In her cloudy head". Repeated is spelled wrong in the next line, as is echoes. Otherwise, this stanza's good.

In the next stanza, second line, I believe "okay" is the more grammatically correct way to write that.

Overall note: Punctuation can really aid the flow of the poem. It makes sure the reader knows when there's a pause. I know it helped the flow of my poems a ton.

To end this on a good note, I loved the first and last stanzas and how they paralleled each other. Good job and keep it up. :thumb:
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

<YWS><R1>




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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 82
Beautiful! :) I was very good, but I have to agree with the above. :? :)
Ohhhhhhh YEAH!!!!!!



I wouldn't think "impossible" was even in your vocabulary.
— Sharpay Evans, High School Musical