I Slept Alone

Light bulbs broke
Spectres held hands
Waves tore souls
I didn't realize

Fire doused homes
Lips exploded
Panes ate shards
I slept alone

Electricity danced
Boots swept streets
Dissonance laughed
I forgot it

Rain sheets smothered
Time broke hope
Drains cried out
I only waited

Hi Nightshade. I recently watched Requiem, a German film with English subtitles and it was so bad it depressed me. So if my review is harsh, please forgive me.

Nightshade wrote:Light bulbs broke
Spectres held hands
Waves tore souls
I didn't realize

Now, I'm not quite sure what you're trying to convey here. In the sense of logical progression, this stanza seems to have no narrative background or any sense of flow. What does breaking light bulbs have to do with ghosts holding hands? What waves tear souls? What exactly did you realise?

Fire doused homes
Lips exploded
Panes ate shards
I slept alone

This stanza makes even less sense than the above one. Lips exploded? As in human lips? Panes? What do you mean by "panes ate shards"? And then ending with "I slept alone" is a way of trying to link the stanzas by the personification of every end line. But just because the last lines of all the stanzas share a same theme, it doesn't not mean that you've created a a good patter.

Electricity danced
Boots swept streets
Dissonance laughed
I forgot it

Again, I see no link between the random lines of this poem. Noise laughed? Why would you need to remember that?

Rain sheets smothered
Time broke hope
Drains cried out
I only waited

All in all, this poem lacked any semblance of coherency. Unless that was what you were aiming for, I would consider re-writing this with a constant theme.

For example, here's a stanza from William Blake's Auguries of Innocence:

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

This stanza is about something unfathomable occurring in everyday things. A whole new world in a grain of sand. Heaven in a flower. Infinity in your hands. An hour holding eternity.

I hope this helps some. Don't hesitate to reply to this thread with any comments and/or questions regarding my review.

Cheers, Jai

Hey Night,

This was an interesting read. I find my self agreeing with Seemingly in the sense that I couldn't really find a story or anything like that within this piece. It kind of seemed like a whole lot of lines put together. That's not to say that there isn't any meaning, just that It's not very clear. I find that I like each stanza individually but together they make little sense.

What is the meaning in this poem? I'd really like to know. PM me if you have the time because I'm quite intrigued.

Sorry I wasn't of any help what so ever. I just found it rather interesting.

BeckFletch. xx

Personally, I have to start with I don't think that everyone poem needs a deep meaning behind it. Not everyone poem needs a story or a narrator... sometimes, it can be an emotion or an idea, something that you just feel, and put into words. It's still poetry if you share that feeling. That's what writing is often about.


So, off my rambles. I thought this was pretty good; some of the ideas felt a little half formed to me, like little flashes of imagery. I think that perhaps if you added onto them, you could really create a masterpiece. However, I do like this how it is now. So, nice job. Great conclusion.

-Coral-

well this poem is very interesting i think i can picture what you mean the thing your trying to express it has to do with pain and sorrow but i think it concludes to war. You can describe it very well seems like you've been in that position before. At first i though it was mixed up wording, but in a weird way they come together.