A Single Bullet

It's longer that stuff I usually write, but here it is.... Think what you want. Burn it if you wish.

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I always thought that when I died,
I would see the world slow down.
But that metal in my chest,
made me glad it went by fast.

I wasn't killed in a glorious fight,
or in a quest for treasure.
I was killed in an old abandoned park,
by a man who needed a hot meal.

I don't blame that hungry guy,
for what he did to me.
I blame the people who ruined his life,
and made him hurt others.

That one lonely man in that park,
made me truly see,
that in this world we are not free,
but trapped by our own desires.

We have so much taken from us,
that we must do the same to others.
But if I let him have my money,
I would have never have see what we are.

I was killed one winter night,
by a man trying to find some warmth.
But he gave me more than he took,
in that single bullet.

I always thought that when I died,
I would see the world slow down.
But that metal in my chest,
made me glade what?!it went by fast.

I wasn't killed in a glorious fight,
or in a quest for treasure.
I was killed in an old abandoned park,
by a man who needed a hot meal.I like this. Most poems like this are really dramatic, but this is more realistic

I don't blame that hungry guy,
or forwhat he did to me.
I blame the people who ruined his life,
and made him hurt others.

That one lonely man in that park,
made me truly see,
that in this world we are not free,
but trapped by our own desires.this is good

We have so much taken from us,
that we must do the same to others.
But if I let him have my money,
I would have never have see what we are.I would never have seen what we are

I was killed one winter night,
by a man trying to find some warmth.
But he gave me more than he took,
in that single bullet.great last stanza. It's really dramatic and it stays wit you[/quote]

I think this is a really great idea for a poem. It needs a bit of work- not all of it makes sense- but it could really go somewhere good.

kingolions wrote:It's longer that stuff I usually write, but here it is.... Think what you want. Burn it if you wish.

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I always thought that when I died,
I would see the world slow down.
But that metal in my chest,
made me glade it went by fast. You need to make this verse less confusing.

I wasn't killed in a glorious fight,
or in a quest for treasure.
I was killed in an old abandoned park,
by a man who needed a hot meal.

I don't blame that hungry guy,
or what he did to me.
I blame the people who ruined his life,
and made him hurt others.

That one lonely man in that park,
made me truly see,
that in this world we are not free,
but trapped by our own desires. This is my favorite paragraph.
We have so much taken from us,
that we must do the same to others.
But if I let him have my money,
I would have never have see whatever we are. I'm not sure if adding the whatever will make it sound better but thats another part you need to fix up.
I was killed one winter night,
by a man trying to find some warmth.
But he gave me more than he took,
in that single bullet.

So overall I loved this, it was simple,yet elegantly writen. Some parts like the two I mentioned need some editing but good job on this! Thanks for posting!

Snickerdooly

This is very nice. Very realistic. Very emotional. It really made me sit and think. That's what poetry should do ;D

I do think there should be more imagery though! I like the simplicity and meaning, but I think that would spice it up a bit, make it sound prettier.

I also would like to compliment this:

kingolions wrote:
I don't blame that hungry guy,
or what he did to me.
I blame the people who ruined his life,
and made him hurt others.

That one lonely man in that park,
made me truly see,
that in this world we are not free,
but trapped by our own desires.

I really like the empathy here. It puts you in a different point of view, a different mood.

keep writing, bubba (:

Kingo, great job on the poem. it was really deep and i enjoyed it. I thought you had a spelling mistake in this part
"made me glade it went by fast." I thought glade should be glad.

Really liked this poem. Your description of what the world truly is, is very real. But, your emotions when you got shot - very dramatic, not realistic though, don't think you'd be think like that if you got shot...right? But it was still good just the same! It really does put into perspective the bullet in the man's chest - how small this problem seems to the greater problems and issues like greed and selfishness in the world, it was spread out perfectly, and truth was in the words I felt. It really awakens us to what our world really is and what it should be. Very good! Like to hear another...

Hey kingolions!

I'm trying to burn it but the lighter wont work *gets frustrated*. Nah I'm just kidding. I liked this poem. I love the simplicity of it all. And yes, it is longer than you usually write but it is always god to get out of your comfort zone (as everyone says that I will abolish once R.O.C. comes *screams out "DEATH TO THE COMFORT ZONE!*). One thing I must say is that it lacks imagery which is quite an important key in writing a poem so that was a let down *sniffs while wiping away tear*. However you compensate that with how realistic you make it.

There was only one thing I have to comment on:

I was killed in an old abandoned park,
by a man who needed a hot meal.

...I was killed one winter night,
by a man trying to find some warmth.

You say the man killed because he needed a hot meal than you say he killed because he was trying to find some warmth. Was he looking to find some warmth through eating a hot meal or is this a mistake? Maybe consider change this and stick to the one idea. And lastly, I've never heard of an old abandoned park. If a man is walking through it and if a man is using it as shelter than it's not abandoned. There! Got you, didn't I?


MWAHAHAHA!
-R.O.C.