Deoderant

Sweaty
Like Sunday mornings
And coffee
And sex
Awakening beside
A one-night stand
Realizing it’s your cousin

Sun dress
Low cut to suit
Her breasts
Wonders why she’s raped
Yes, raped
Even though she doesn’t say “no”
But doesn’t say “yes”
Shouldn’t they take that as a hint?
Are they really that stupid?

Slut
Yes, that’s what the girls call her
And the boys
Don’t think I haven’t too
Because that’s what she is
Wonder-slut
Young-slut
Wish-I-never-was slut

Cuts
By Thursday
Because it hurts too much
Not cliché –
She’s not poetic enough for that
Or maybe she’s just stupid
In my mind
If you’re gonna do melodrama
You might as well do it right

She hasn’t taken drugs yet
As far as I know
But I could care if she did
Slut

Not Christian
But still celebrates Christmas
And screams for Jesus
(During her sex on Sundays)
(On Saturdays, too, if I may mention)
She’s just along for the ride
The good life
The bad life

Fucked up
Her and her life
The hole in her growing wider
And deeper
In two ways

Slut
Doesn’t lick her lips

I borrowed her deodorant
In the gym locker room
Yeah, slut
I could see her scars when she took of her sweater
Bitch
Slut
I kept her deoderant

Read it over and insert missing words/correct spelling mistakes. Once you do that, you have an awesome poem in your hands. Darkly funny and deeply sad at the same time. I dig.

Um... what?

I accidentally posted twice.

I like how this one sounds. It is what lin night said. funny, yet sad. I found some lines where adding a word or punctuation mark would improve it.

A one-night stand
Realizing it’s your cousin

Like here. Try a comma, or an "and", or both.

A one-night stand, and
Realizing it’s your cousin

Wonders why she’s raped.
Yes, raped.

Note the periods I added. You might want to consider doing somthing a little like this to the entire thing.

With out punctuation, the third stanza is confusing. I think you could squeeze it in with out damaging the style.

One last thing. I think the last line should be in italics, not bold, but thats just me. I have no grounding for that.

I like it too. Alot. It's really sad and really well done. I don't think it necesarily needs more punctuation but that's just me.

I guess I don't have anything useful to say but I loved this. Are you really just 13? Wow.

Offensive. Seems like most poems on here are.

Wow.

This is totally not my style, but for whatever reason, I sort of liked it. It was dark and definitely morbid, but you seemed to handle it well.

The opening stanza really caught my eye for whatever reason, maybe it was just the one word thing.

"Sweaty
Like Sunday mornings
And coffee
And sex
Awakening beside
A one-night stand
Realizing it’s your cousin"

The similitude of Sunday mornings, sex, and coffee seem so obvious once they've been pointed out, but maybe not something you'd normally connect. Kind of reminds me of that Maroon 5 song. Now, I'm not too sure about "awakening". Maybe it should be "awaking" or even just plain ol' "waking up"?

"I borrowed her deodorant
In the gym locker room
Yeah, slut
I could see her scars when she took of her sweater
Bitch
Slut
I kept her deoderant"

You spelled it right the first time, but then changed the o to an e in the last line, which I found to be pretty distracting. Also, I'm sure this was just a typo, but: "when she took of her sweater" I think you intended it to be "off."

I did like how you wrapped this up, though. The poem was fairly long, but it didn't seem to drag out or anything. It was neat to have you look through this one person's eyes, showing how she looks at the "slut" just like everyone else, and yet for whatever reason seems to be intrigued by her.

All in all, nice work. Normally the profanity irks me, but you used it well and pretty sparingly.

I kinda liked it, not sure why. Esp the:

"Cuts
By Thursday
Because it hurts too much
Not cliché –
She’s not poetic enough for that"

I impressed you made such despicable comments sound so lovely. Words seem to be familiar tools for you; you use them perfectly.

I would say, I want to smack you for the things you said, but I'd hate to get on your bad side. :). I'm going to look for your work from now on.

I think that that's pretty damn good actually. You don't always have to adhere to the rules of punctuation to create something like a poem. It's not necessary unless it's relevant to you. I like it anyway. And I'm not that easy to please!
Do what YOU want to do. That is what poetry is about.
x x x