Fantasy

Just something I wrote a while back about writing fantasy type stories. I'm not much of poem writer, so I hope it's okay.
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Fantasy


I let fantasy take me away,
It was just like any other day.
I dreamed of dreaming,
And imagined the dreamed dream's meaning.

I created another world again,
And lit the dragon's den.
It shone with such magnificence,
I fell in love with its brilliance.

I was another person,
And was badly bitten,
By a Tiger Fly,
That gave me to the sky.

There I met a great cloud,
She was very proud,
And beautiful and kind,
She was of my own mind.

Adventure of adventure played itself in me,
Telling me I owned a secret key,
That showed my hand what to weave,
On the paper in front of me.

Hi, FeatherBlue. Welcome to YWS! If there's anything you need, you can feel free to PM me, I'll be happy to help you out.

Okay, you have a nice concept here. I love the way you're writing about writing. Maybe you could make it a little clearer, though, so that you don't have to tell your reader what it's about.

The rhyme kind of spoils it, though. I see that a lot, and it's a real shame. Rhyme is very restrictive, especially if you're not very experienced as a poet. Freeform is a great tool for a poet, and especially with the concept you've got here it would work really well.

Also, it's rather lacking in imagery. I was hoping for more, to be able to see what you're trying to show me. All I'm getting is words on paper. Once you've gotten rid of the rhyme, it'll be much easier to use descriptions that can make your reader visualise what you're saying.

I'm sorry I can't go into more detail here, I'm very pressured for time. But I hope I've been helpful, and if there's anything I can help with - related or unrelated to the poem and review - please don't hesitate to PM me; I'll be very happy to help out.

On an unrelated note, I love your avatar.
~Grin

Hi and welcome to YWS. Actually I didn't look when you joined I just saw that you only had two review so if you have been on here for a while, my mistake. Also if I repeat anything BCG said sorry I didn't read it.

Well, the first thing I want to say is I love the poem. Keep that in mind as I give the review. I also really like the concept, writing. I loved the last two lines. So, whatever you do I would keep those to the same. But, they rhyming really limited the poem. I could tell (or at least I think) you paused trying to thing of a rhyming word.

It also didn't have very much imagery because of the rhyming. I know what the words mean and what the girl is doing, but I am not picturing it. Here is an example poem that has lots of imagery.

Spoiler

Slowly, silently, now the moon
Walks the night in her silver shoon;
This way, and that, she peers, and sees
Silver fruit upon silver trees;......
Couched in his kennel, like a log,
With paws of silver sleeps the dog ......
A harvest mouse goes scampering by,
With silver claws, and silver eye;
And moveless fish in the water gleam,
By silver reeds in a silver stream.

Try to make your poem paint a picture. Yes, I know this is a professional, and you said you haven't done much poetry. Right now I think you should right poems freely without rhyming, but you can work up to rhyme beautifully. Practice makes perfect.

Hope I helped and didn't just ramble on,

A. S.

P.S.

FeatherBlue wrote:
I let fantasy take me away,
It was just like any other day.
I dreamed of dreaming,
And imagined the dreamed dream's meaning. Wow, that would be hard to say three times fast.

Thanks for the reviews and advice! I really appreciate it.

Thanks BCG, and I see what you mean. Most of the poems I've ever written were for some school assignments a couple years back, for an English teacher who only wanted us to rhyme. I ended up rhyming on this one, even though it's not a school assignment. Sorry about that. I'll try rewriting it again when I have some time. I'll try using freeform when I rewrite it.

Calligraphy, yes, I'm a newer member of YWS, but before I joined, I was lurking around the site for a few weeks trying to decide if I wanted to join. XD I have a horrible habit of arguing with myself. And you're right, I did pause while trying to think of a rhyming word. I see what you mean about adding more imagery to it, I'll try adding some more.

And that would be difficult to say three times fast, wouldn't it? O.O

Thanks again for the reviews and advice.

amazing work. hello im pencil and also new. welcome and excellent work done you surely took me into a fantasy of various poems since your rhymes were excellent and future advice not all poems have to rhyme their suppose to give a meaning or message through confusing words...lol. well anyway GOOD job.
lots of luck
pencil

Wow Featherblue, all I can say is great job this poem is definitely one of the best short poems I've read so far!

' I let fantasy take me away,
It was just like any other day.
I dreamed of dreaming,
And imagined the dreamed dream's meaning. ' - I love this stanza right here, I believe most people would be able to relate to these words.. I know I can

Keep up the good work.. I look forward to reviewing more poems like this!

*shock with awe* WOW! As it was I am with your trip. It makes me float for a moment and hallucinating the beauty of your own world.

Little twist and edits are needed and you will have the best poem.

I personally really liked it. To me it shows how a fantasy jumps from subject to subject y'know?

Hello!

Okay, so I like the topic of the poem. Nicely chosen. However, throughout the poem I didn't feel like you executed it well enough to live up to the potential of what it could possibly be. You've stuck to quite simplistic description, which ties down your poem and means that it doesn't have the ability to totally draw the reader in and make them feel emotions as they could.

This has been mentioned in other reviews, I think, but you could improve this with use of imagery. Using some more poetic devices will really step your poem up a notch - at the moment it seems really flat. You want to bring this to life, and imagery is one of the ways you can do this.

Another way is by perhaps adding in more emotive language. Yes, you're describing something to the reader. Yes, you're kind of telling a story. But you're not making them feel anything, really. Poetry is great when you bring in emotions, so why not try to do that? It'll bring your poem out of the 2d shape it's in and give it slightly more substance.

I let fantasy take me away,
It was just like any other day.
I dreamed of dreaming,
And imagined the dreamed dream's meaning

I have problems with this first stanza. What does it really mean? The first line, yes, I get it. The third line I also like. But the two in between ... I just don't get why you really need them. And that makes me think that they're just there filling up space because you need rhymes.

Which moves me onto the rhyme scheme. Don't bother with it. The whole thing just drags it down. It means that you have to stretch your poem to fit in with this rhyme schemes - you lose the meaning and it resulted in these lines that don't make sense or add anything to your poem.

I created another world again,
And lit the dragon's den.
It shone with such magnificence,
I fell in love with its brilliance.

The first line creates a potential for this stanza. The idea of creation is cool, and there are a vast number of places you could take this. Unfortunately, I don't think the rest of it really adds much. This is one of the places that could seriously benefit from some more imagery and depth in it.

There I met a great cloud,
She was very proud,
And beautiful and kind,
She was of my own mind.

Seriously ... what does this say about fantasy? Nothing. It's just a little wasted. I mean ... it honestly doesn't sum up anything important about fantasy to me. I don't get any of the emotions fantasy gives me. It feels a little pointless, to me. Sorry.

To sum this up, I feel like the idea is there but you really need to work on how you present an idea and shape the poem. You've stuck with a rhyme scheme, but above you said you'd change that which is good. I think you should really attempt to give much more depth to this poem. Why not look at some of the key techniques or themes used in fantasy and incorporate them into your poem, so that's it's recognisable as something about the fantasy genre. It would be fine to dip into clichés here, because they tend to become an integral (if annoying) part of fantasy, and so would work in the poem.

Any questions then just PM me.

-Amy