Lost Soul

Hello there AudreyHearts and welcome to YWS!

This poem definitely has some potential. However, I found it a little shady; it not deliver enough to leave me satisfied, but that's just me.

AudreyHearts wrote:

Lost Soul

You'd think
after all this time I spent
Wishing he was mine
Wishing on a star
Wishing for a miracle
He'd notice me...
But no. I would leave out the "but" and stick with just "no" because it doesn't sound right after the questions.
Life doesn't work that way. From this line onwards it just get's very cliche and it loses it's edge.
You give your time
and in return...
you're left with a broken heart
and a lost soul.

I think that maybe you should try and revise the poem from "But no" that would maybe continue the build up of emotions in the first lines where you posed the question.

The poem though is great, it just needs a little work, but that's my own view.

Keep writing and I'm looking forward to seeing more work from you

Hey. Welcome to YWS. Always good to seen new work. I really like this poem. I thought it was meaningful, but a little cliche. The only problem I have with it, is that I think it is a little short. What you have is good, but if you lead on from what you said, I think it could be a lot better. If you need help with anything, or just want me to look at something, I'll be happy to have a look.

Hey! Welcome to another piece of the endlessness that we call YWS! Great to see new work, this one in particular. For a newbee, this is excellent! I really enjoyed this poem! Great length with, from memory no mistakes. You achieved perfect length and flow which is honestly hard to come by. Not too short for my liking . You probably could extend on this a bit longer is you wanted to make it better? That's just a suggestion. Keep up the good work!

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)

i like your title. it draws the reader in. and the way you have your poem centered rather than just aligned left like most are. its creative. and i like that you have the sentence 'but no' separated, all on its own, for emphasis. its like a stop in the poem to make the reader think about what happened and how depressing it can be to be unnoticed and/or forgotten. its a good topic. it reveals the ugly truth that sometimes love is dead. and that love likes to evade all the wrong people for a long long time. the people that want it cant find it, and the ones who dont care always have it.... its sad....