My heartbeat

Hey everyone! This another poem of mine. Didn't take long to write so if you don't like it, please review. Love it, loath it, live it, burn it.

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I sit here outside
With the smell of salt
Gently blowing into my face.

The sound of the waves
Echo throughout my head
Just like the many thoughts I have.

I feel the softness of the sand
As I clasp the many grains,
Watching as I see them fall
like I have so many times

Across the sea of faces,
I see the woman I love.
She sits there alone,
gently brushing her hair

For one brief moment,
I felt the heartbeat of creation
And it was one with my own.

Hi there, Coter. Mizzle here to review.

Overview:

RepublicOfCoter wrote:
I sit here outside
With the smell of salt
Gently blowing into my face. This is a really cliched beginning, and I don't like it at all.

The sound of the waves
Eco throughout my head It's "echo" not "eco".
Just like the many thoughts I have.

I feel the softness of the sand
As I clasp the many grains,
Watching as I see them fall
like I have so many times

Across the sea of faces,
I see the woman I love.
She sits there alone,
gently brushing her hair Really? Dull, dull, dull.

For one brief moment,
I felt the heartbeat of creation
And it was one with my own.

Honestly, I don't like this. It's scrappy, cliched, and has been done so many times before. You don't really add anything new to the scene. The emotions are not expressed well enough to make me actually feel anything but boredom and annoyance. "Gently brushing her hair"--that pushed me on the edge. So, so, dumb and bland. Used too many times before.
I would suggest adding more emotion, more description. It'll make this poem better if I feel something for the man watching his love.

Hope this helps.
-Mizz-

Hey ROC,
i like this poem, but i feel it didn't go anywhere. i liked the length and the spacing within words. All Together i don't know what to think about this poem.
sorry ROC.

-CaptianRandom

Hey Coter. I have to say, (and possibly for the first time) I agree with Random. It did feel like this poem when nowhere. It also seemed a little edgy and rough. I think it could be greatly improved on.

Most of what I have to say has been said, but the poem feels like it isn't finished, and that it just ends hanging. This can be a good effect, but not in this case. Sorry if I sound harsh, but this is what I think.

Hey ROC,

It was a good poem. Not too bad. I somewhat agree with the others, it could've gone a bit further - to...somewhere. At the end, it reminded me of Adam and Eve. Is that what you were aiming for? Maybe you could emphasise that bit more.

The second stanza needs a bit of tweaking up too.

RepublicOfCoter wrote:The sound of the waves
Echo throughout my head
Just like the many thoughts I have.

If you have so many thoughts, how can sounds echo in your head? It would make sense if you were talking about the emptiness of your mind, then sounds would echo, but if its filled with thoughts, I don't think they would echo.

With a bit more work, this'll could be a really good poem! Good work and best wishes for future writing! (Hope I wasn't too mean!)

RedLeaf