Rain

I used to hate the rain
Now I've made friends with it
I'm kinda used to standing in it
At least it masks my tears
Drops fall on my face, and slide down my cheeks
I can taste the saltiness
I've learned to understand the thunder
It matches my mood as I stand under
I accept it's anger
I feel the same kind of fire
Just like my desire
I've learned to let it numb me
The icy cold drops freeze me from my fingers to my toes
This is how the story goes
We are supposed to meet downtown
And here you're not
It rains so hard, it soaks through my shoes
I have cold feet, just like you do

Hallo. I'm Aushy, and welcome to YWS. :} I'm not much of a poet, so, let's see how I do with this!

I did enjoy this a lot, but there were a few things that confused me. I was confused whether or not it was your goal to make everything rhythm, for one. In places in did, in others it didn't. Or, if it did rhythm, it was because you put the same words together... which kind of made me frown. D:

Next, I was a bit confused on the emotion of this piece. Are we happy? Are we sad? Are we scared? Are we angry? I didn't know how to feel when reading this.

All of that aside, I do like the passion and power in your words, and all in all, this was a pretty good poem. I'm sorry if I reviewed it unfairly!

If you ever need a review for anything again, PM me, post it to my wall, or go to my tropical shack by clicking 'Reviews' at the bottom of this signature. You'll already be featured there from this review. :}

Keep writing, and once again, welcome to YWS!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

hello my name is cynda
i think you did a very good job on this poem because what you discuss is so undeniably true
you dive deep into the heart of most human emotions.
the only problem is that you don't say what is the true problem in your poem, you just let the reason for you writing it left to the mind. This may be because you don't want to say or u meant it to be that way but nobody knows
otherwise it is a really good poem

Hey there! Welcome!

The most prominent weakness for this poem, I think, is that it isn't getting the potential fluency and rhythm that I think it could achieve. There are points in the poem where I feel a guidance is needed to tell me where to stop and take a breath, or perhaps a quick pause. Such as this:

The icy cold drops freeze me from my fingers to my toes
This is how the story goes
We are supposed to meet down
town And here you're not

Yes, it's lyrical and has pace, but it just doesn't feel right. There's too much going on. No panic, though! It's easily fixed with a wonderful tool that is: punctuation. Some poems benefit with it, some without it and some with a bit here and there. I think your poem falls into the "here and there". A semi-colon could be your best tool, allowing the read to pause, take a hesitant breath then read on as if you're narrating them along, guiding them a bit more.
What I love about this poem though is the content. Though confusing at some points, I do admit, where your words and imageries get a bit jumbled up and jumpy, I like how it feels metaphorical for your experiences. Your emotions. The words feel more powerful in that sense and I really like it!

Keep writing and I hope this helps!
Ben

Great poem short and to the point.
You describe the rain as it is a part of you as any feeling. The rain my mask your tears but when its sunshine where do you turn?
Anyways great work and keep it up!
-Dawn

Hey AutumnSun. Your poem is very nice. It has good imagery but it feels too much like a blob of text. You need punctuation and breaks in the stanza. I'm not sure about the ending, but I feel that it ties me, as the reader, into what you are feeling. So you might want to put something at either the end of the beginning that ties in with your ending - maybe having dry feet and then the rain comes in or something of the like.

Let me show you what I mean with a quote of your poem, at least with the punctuation and breaks in the stanzas. Please take what I do with a grain of salt. I may be misinterpreting your great imagery poem, but hopefully it'll help.

AutumnSun wrote:I used to hate the rain,
But now I've made friends with it.

I'm kinda used to standing in it,
At least it masks my tears
Drops fall on my face, and slide down my cheeks.
I can taste the saltiness.

I've learned to understand the thunder,
It matches my mood as I stand under.
I accept it's anger,
I feel the same kind of fire
Just like my desire.

I've learned to let it numb me.
The icy cold drops freeze me from my fingers to my toes.

This is how the story goes.
We are supposed to meet downtown,
And here you're not.
It rains so hard, it soaks through my shoes,
I have cold feet, just like you do.

Hey. I liked this poem. I thought it was well written, and had a pretty good rhythm to it. I think it had a good meaning to it, and I liked the representation of the rain as your comfort.

The only thing I needed to say, was that I thought that you were forcing the rhyming. Usually when I write poems, I don't use it at all, because I feel that it restricts how much the poem can expand. But I did like your rhyming pattern. It was different and not usually done. I think that this did work well. I think it is a great poem. Well done.

Hi there Autumn! I wanted to point out a few minor things.

used to hate the rain
Now I've made friends with it
I'm kinda kinda is improper. It should be ‘kind of.’ used to standing in it
At least it masks my tears
Drops fall on my face,
(new line)and slide down my cheeks
I can taste the saltiness
(new stanza)
I've learned to understand the thunder
It matches my mood as I stand under (under what)
I accept it's anger
I feel the same kind of fire
Just like my desire
(new stanza)
I've learned to let it numb me
The icy cold drops freeze me
(new line)[b/]from my fingers to my toes
[b](new stanza)
This is how the story goes
We are supposed to meet downtown
And here you're not
It rains so hard, it soaks through my shoes
I have cold feet, just like you do

Okay, the first thing I want to mention is the lack of punctuation. You could have definitely stuck some commas in here to help with the pace. Another thing to point out is that in several spots, you forced some of the rhymes. For instance, “fire” and “desire” might rhyme but the structure of the two lines breaks the flow of the lines.

Where I separated everything into stanzas, was because the theme of the lines changed in these places. Breaking them up is a good idea. Plus, big, long poems can seem very intimidating.

I hope I could help some, Autumn. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me and ask.

~lilymoore

Hi AutumnSun!

I liked the idea of this poem. It was written well which kept me interested. To me, it was a new style of rhyming that you introduced-that being that not all lines rhyme with each other. I'm not sure I liked that as I thought a few lines stood out but after reading it over again, I thought it was fine. The last line reminded me of a wedding (not sure if that's what you meant, but hey, it's an idea!). Overall, this poem was structured and written to my liking .

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

Hey there,

I feel that this poem has potential, but I'm not quite certain that you've reached it. The concept of rain masking tears is cliche in an emo-istic sense, and I think it's placing a damper on the artistic sense that your poem could have. I'm partial to this one, because you have some good points within it that could be excellent on their own, or maybe built off of, but they're mixed in with the more "emo" parts of the poem, such as the constant reminder of tears, of pain and all those things that could be spoken of in a less obvious way, in my opinion.
'
I think that it has potential, but it's a bit clouded by the surrounding images and the lack of elaboration on some points. I think you can certainly go places with this, but in the meantime, it needs a few finishing touches.

June