Leaving

I would move mountains, trees and oceans
I would do whatever I could
To stop the world
From turning and prevent the clock
From stealing what time we have left
All I have is desire and that's not enough

As the sun begins to set, the anxiousness begins to creep out
All the feelings boiling in, they begin to come to surface
The pain of you leaving, I don't want to face
Each tick of the clock, I can't stay calm
Each minute goes by, I can start feel the pain I'm about to face
And I'm a basket case
I'm so afraid that Ill fade away from your memories

I get uneasy when I think about distance between
How you would be so far away
It would be easier to let go if you weren't so amazing and one of a kind
Someone with a soul difficult to find

Hey. This is a very interesting poem. I found that strangely, it flowed decently well, even though the stanzas were broken up in awkward places.

What I liked about the poem, was that it wasn't just say, I like this about you, and this about you, but actually let the reader think about what had happened.

The only thing that I have a problem with, other than where each line ends, is that the poem topic is kind of cliche. It is done a lot, which makes the poem slightly bland. (Sorry if I sound too harsh) But it was well written.

Hey there! I'll review you today.

Now, I might come across as a bit harsh, but I'm giving you this review to help you, so your writing can grow.

To be completely honest with you, I did not like this poem at all. Here's why.

First- your rhyme scheme. You need to make a decision, my dear. To rhyme or not to rhyme. Nothing hurts a reader's mind more than a poem that has some rhymes and then... none to follow it up. Either make everything rhyme, or nothing.

Second- the storyline. All I got out of this was that some person was leaving and their significant other wanted more time with them because they're amazing. Alright. Well... I'll agree with the person above me, that is cliche. But a well-written cliche is always okay. You need to add some emotion. Alright, this person who's leaving is amazing. How so? Are they kind? gorgeous? Do they jump in front of cars to save bunnies? Why does the narrator appreciate this? How does it make them feel? Why is the other person leaving? Give us an explanation.

Third- wording. You use too many words in some places, and often order them in a confusing way. For example:

The pain of you leaving, I don't want to face

What about "I don't want to face the pain of you leaving?"

or here you say:

Each minute goes by, I can start feel the pain I'm about to face

why not: "With each minute that goes by grows the pain I'm to face?"

You also had lots of nitpicky things. My changes in red:

I would move mountains, trees and oceans.
I would do whatever I could
To stop the world from turning,
and prevent the clock
From stealing what time we have left.
All I have is desire; and that's not enough

As the sun begins to set, the anxiousness begins to creep out.
All the feelings boiling in, they begin to come to surface.
The pain of you leaving, I don't want to face-
Each tick of the clock, I can't stay calm.
Each minute goes by, I can start feel the pain I'm about to face;
And I'm a basket case.
I'm so afraid that Ill fade away from your memories.

I get uneasy when I think about distance between;
How you would be so far away.
It would be easier to let go if you weren't so amazing and one of a kind-
Someone with a soul difficult to find.

Please use punctuation where it's needed!

Keep writing! You can only get better.

-Dreamy

I see way you put this piece in the 'other poetry' section, yet the originality of your work its possibly the greatest beauty in your writing!
Minor flaws do not keep this from being great. And I tip my hat to you for it!
Great work and keep writing!
-Dawn

Hey AutumnSun!

I enjoyed the idea of the poem but not the poem itself. I felt that it was lacking structure. The first stanza was a good length while the other two were a bit long for my liking. My favourite part was the first stanza:

I would move mountains, trees and oceans
I would do whatever I could
To stop the world
From turning and prevent the clock
From stealing what time we have left
All I have is desire and that's not enough

I thought that it was fantastic. Excellently worded but wrongly structured. It lacks grammar such as commas in particular areas that need it. Throughout the piece, you have changed lines at very odd intervals during a sentence. This needs to be looked over again and changed. Like I said at the beginning, great idea for a poem and a good try for a newbee.

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

Hi Autumn, Lily again, here to review you into next week!

As the sun begins to set, the anxiousness begins to creep out

‘anxiousness’ is a very long word and it makes this sentence sound a little sloppy. ‘anxiety’ would fit here and keep the same idea I think.

Each minute goes by, I can start feel the pain I'm about to face

The wording here is kind of clumsy because it’s so long. What about:
I feel
Or
I start to feel

afraid that Ill fade away

Oops, you need an apostrophe in there for “I’ll.”

I get uneasy when I think about the distance between us

This line doesn’t make much sense either. The bolded changes would help it make more sense.


So, there isn’t much – aside from those nitpicks – that I wouldn’t change about this poem except for one thing and that is how you order things. Right now, you make this a poem about a love lost but you don’t really tell us about the loved one. Sometimes, if you focus down on one central event, down to something very basic that makes you really feel for the characters, it can give the poem much much more power.

The rhythm in this could also use a little work but it could be something as simple as the movement of a word from one line to another. Also, telling us why this person is leaving. Answering the big question can make a big impact as well.

Hope I could help! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

~lilymoore

This seems to me as though it began as a short story, and was then broken up as a poem.

It isn't bad, I don't think: only that I never got a sense of timing. The words came helter-skelter, with a few awkward rhymes that I just couldn't match up to the rest of the poem. I didn't know where to breathe, where to pause in order to let the emotion settle in. That's what poetry is about, I think: leading people in an experience that is controlled by your writing.

Also, I thought your word choice was poor in places. It struck me as a little simplistic, and almost unemotional despite your topic. Actually, I don't know that I would say it was unemotional--only cliched. It just didn't surprise me. There was nothing about this poem to drag me into the experience, and the reader is kept mostly to observe a typical event. Parts of it are just uncompelling.

That said, it doesn't mean you can't fix it up a little.

I think you have legitimate skill with words, and if you step outside the box a little, you could have something extremely beautiful. It may be that it is beautiful already: it is just not universally so yet, if that makes sense. We can't quite grasp the emotion that you've put into this poem. But I think it is there.

Good work! =)

Hey Autumn, June here,

I think that this poem has a nice load of potential packed into it, but there are several aspects of it that have dragged it down, in my opinion, rather than propel it forward, and I think with perhaps a little tweaking and polishing, you can go places with this.

One of the main things that set me off for this was the close repetition in the first two lines, what with the phrase 'I would'. I'm not keen on it, because so close together doesn't do anything for us, other than, as I mentioned, drag it down. I'd venture to say that this is because repetition works best when it's the concrete building blocks of the poem that are being repeated often, rather than those extra words and phrases that help you narrate a poem. My advice would be to cut back on all such things as those and try to let the poem tell itself in clean, fresh words that keep the story you're telling us as interesting as it should be as we read through it. I don't feel as if you're doing so here, because there's a lot of backtracing to the previous mentioned points and it's sort of like... a few steps back to take one forward.

I think you have a brillant platform of ideas to work with here, I think you just need to manage them more effectively. Instead of just relating all of this so casually, wake these images up with vibrant usage of words and poetic devices. I'm pretty confident that you can turn this into something more than it is.

Keep writing,
june