The Night Sky

This took me awhile to write so please say what you think and I'll edit it later. REMEMBER: HAPPY REVIEWING SUNDAY. So, please, many reviews would be welcome. Love it, loath it, live it, trash it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel the softness of the grass on my back,
the coolness of the wind on my face;
The hardness of the rock at my feet,
the warmth of the lantern at my side.
But these cannot compete with
that which I see.

I stand up and listen:
Nothing but the sound of the wind.
If stars made a noise
then I would have been deafened
By their singing.

The heavens were lit
from one end to the other;
Crammed full with stars.
There were some parts,
where you couldn’t imagine
how another could squeeze in.

But, unless the wind
was the voice of the stars,
I had to assume they were silent.

I feel the gentle glow of the moon
as it caresses me in its light;
If the moon made a noise
it would silence all;
With its angelic voice.

The beauty of the night sky
holds nothing but wonderment;
But, I become overrun with dread
a the first glimpse of the sun.
But that moment will be lost
The next time the moon rises.

Until then, I wait.

I think you have a really good start here, but it could use some touching up. First off, I'm not sure I like that you have punctuation at the end of every line. Take, for example, these lines: "Then I would have been deafened,/By their singing." The comma after "defeaned" is unnecessary. The line break is pause enough. Also, "The beauty of the night sky,/Holds nothing but wonderment" has the same problem for me.

Also, I'm not sure your choice of words in "I feel that of dread,/At the first glimpse of the sun" is the best. You feel "that" of dread? Like, a feeling of dread? Perhaps if you put some imagery here, or a metaphor. I know the voice that you're trying for in this poem, but that line sounds like its been forced into a twisted-about fancifulness that just doesn't fit.

I really like your third verse, so good job there! You have a good voice, and provide something that's more than just an indistict feeling ("where you couldn’t imagine,/how another could squeeze in"). However, your voice in this verse isn't as formal as the others, which is a little weird, but I like the voice in this verse. Also, it's in between two verses about the sounds of stars. You should try to group the two verses together, or else incorporated the third verse into the other two, somehow. You might even experiment with making this a poem that has no verse breaks and moving within it from looking at stars to the sounds of stars. Just a suggestion--if you don't like it than just ignore it.

My last problem is that in the second to last verse, you comment on two different moments, but switch between them to suddenly. What about insted of saying "that moment was lost", tie it back to the feelings of dread by saying something about how your dread was replaced by joy, or how other feelings changed those of dread?

Good work so far!

Hey Coter. This is an interesting poem. There are both things I like and dislike. What I like, is the idea of the poem, and what you are trying to say. But the idea is very cliche, and done a lot. It would have been a lot better if you had put your own spin on it.

The other thing I like, is how short it is, and how it flows well. It adds to the effect when people read the poem. But the other thing I don't like about it, is that when you are describing the night, it seems like you are just telling the reader what you witnessed, not making them feel what you felt. But it was a good effort.

Hey there.
I really enjoyed reading this poem.
I could imagine the scenes quite vividly thanks to your descriptions.
Thank you for that. It was a delight to read.

Anyway, there're no mistakes as far as I can see.
This part had me a little confused though..

But, I become overrun with dread
At the first glimpse of the sun.
But that moment will be lost,
The next time the moon rises.

However, I thought about it a wee bit and I think you meant that when the Sun comes up, there is a feeling of dread till the moon rises yet again at night.. Right?

It's a good piece.
Keep writing!

Yep, you're right rubberduck, with your comment on the last stanza. What I am trying to say here is that this person loves the night sky and hates the day sky. He feels dread at the sight of the sun and is over joyed at the sight of the moon.

Thanks for the lovely review!

RepublicOfCoter wrote:I feel the softness of the grass on my back,
The coolness of the wind on my face,
The hardness of the rock at my feet,
The warmth of the lantern at my side,
But these cannot compete,
Of which I see. This doesn't make sense, really. Make this line, "That which I see," and make the one before it, "But these cannot compete with.

I stand up and listen:
Nothing but the sound of the wind.
If stars made a noise,
Then I would have been deafened, "Deafened" doesn't really work here. It's very harsh, whereas the rest of your poem is supposed to be relaxing, or peaceful.
By their singing.

The heavens were lit,
From one end to the other,
Crammed full with stars.
There were some parts,
where you couldn’t imagine, You go from saying "I" this and "I" that, and randomly use a "you" right here.
how another could squeeze in.

But, unless the wind,
Was the voice of the stars, "Stars" is getting a little repetitive. Try and come up with some creative ways to say it without saying it.
I had to assume they were silent. This line is off in context to the rest of the poem and its idea. This comes off as sad, somber, etc, and sticks out like a sore thumb.

I feel the gentle glow of the moon,
As it caresses me in its light. This is such a terribly cliched line. "Caresses" and "in its light" or both overused. And to add insult to injury, you've personified the moon in such a way that it sounds like a cheesy romancer. Try something akin to "As its light washes over me." It may not be the best line, but it's certainly better.
If the moon made a noise,
It would silence all,
With its angelic voice. You've already said this, but with the stars as the subject. Try and think of something else that is a little different.

The beauty of the night sky,
Holds nothing but wonderment.
But, I become overrun with dread
At the first glimpse of the sun.
But that moment will be lost,
The next time the moon rises. This has too many emotions running through it. You go from, "Ooooh," to, "AAAHHHH!" to, "Ahh..." Slow it down and stretch it out!

Until then, I wait. Boring, boring. This was overkill. You would have been fine with the last line before it as an ending.

Overall, this could use some work. But I don't think it was that bad. Nuh-uh.

Hey there!

I thought this piece was very thoughtful and peaceful (except for the odd harshness every now and then). I've always liked the idea of the stars and moon singing and the first stanza is just beautiful. It really takes me there, makes me feel as if I'm standing in a field watching the night sky with you. There's just a few corrections that are needed and I think everyone's covered those so far--ie: the harshness of deafened, the overuse of commas and general punctuation, and the tad bitness (yes, I know that's probably not a word) of cliche. But overall, I had to say I'm impressed and overjoyed with the feeling of serenity I get from this work. Congrats!

Hope to see much more from you!

~Horseradish

Hey there!

Well, I personally think the main thing that this poem needs work on is the way it's punctuated. I actually really enjoyed the feelings that you brought across with your imagery throughout the poem and love how you explored the senses. The hearing one was my favourite paragraph, but the reference to stars singing was a bit abnormal and surreal in an uncomfortable way I think. If you wanted it to work better, I think you'd need to make the whole poem more surreal and dreamy, but the first stanza sets a tone for something quite realistic.

Anyway the punctuation! Here: (I've added commas, semi-colons and full-stops in bold as well as suggested where no punctuations is really needed)

I feel the softness of the grass on my back,
the coolness of the wind on my face;
The hardness of the rock at my feet,
the warmth of the lantern at my side.
But these cannot compete [no punct. needed]
of which I see. Side note: I'm not sure if this line sounds right.

I stand up and listen:
Nothing but the sound of the wind.
If stars made a noise [no punct. needed]
then I would have been deafened [no punct. needed]
By their singing.

The heavens were lit [no punct. needed]
from one end to the other;
Crammed full with stars.
There were some parts,
where you couldn’t imagine [no punct. needed]
how another could squeeze in.

But, unless the wind [no punct. needed]
was the voice of the stars,
I had to assume they were silent.

I feel the gentle glow of the moon [no punct. needed]
as it caresses me in its light;
If the moon made a noise [no punct. needed]
it would silence all;
With its angelic voice.

The beauty of the night sky [no punct. needed]
holds nothing but wonderment;
But, I become overrun with dread
a the first glimpse of the sun.
But that moment will be lost [no punct. needed]
The next time the moon rises. Side note: Watch repetition of the word "but"

Until then, I wait. Love the ending!

Obviously, those are just suggestions to make it flow better. It's ultimately up to you, but have a read of it with my punctuation and see if it turns you! :]

Keep writing and hope this helped,
Ben

Hi Coter, I'm June, your reviewer for the momento --

I found that this was centered around the sensory details, dear, on things like feelings and scent and sight. I think that it's as good of a place to start as any, but I feel that this is incomplete.

For starting, I'm very uncertain about why at closing, your narrator is waiting until then. It feels like a pretense to a story that you're not telling us, and I can't say that this is doing anything of benefit for us. All of these details from the senses that you're giving us in this poem theoretical build up to nothing, because you're not allowing yourself the room, or chance to expand.

Not to say that this is a bad thing; for some types of poetry, I'd venture a great benefit from this sort of approach. However, this opens manholes and street cracks that threaten to swallow your audience's attention, because so many questions are left unanswered, so my advice would be to backtrack; instead of focusing on all of these smaller sensory details, give us the big picture. Tell us the story you're withholding, dear, and don't restrict yourself. Write the punch, and then clean it up to make it fit within the bounds you'd like to use.

Hope that helps,
June

Hey RepublicOfCoter
i loved this poem, very descriptive, good length for a poem like this, nicely spaced, and i loved how you described the stars and the moon, if they had noise it would silence everything. keeps up the good work

-CaptianRandom

I've heard that a lot of you say that 'deafened' is a harsh word to use in that particular section, but that's the point. There are so many stars that if they all sang, it would hurt the ears.

-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)

Hi R.O.C, I thought your poem was, interesting and descriptive. It was good, I can say that but I was expecting better. Like your other poems it did not tell a story. While it was extremely descriptive and imaginative I felt it was lack some sort of conflict or story throughout your poem. You have demonstrated this much better in other poems. Any good story writer can describe a night sky but it takes a great story writer to give it that something more to make it great.
While this was not your best work it was amazingly beautiful the way your described things.
"The heavens were lit
from one end to the other;
Crammed full with stars."
For me this was the best part of your poem! I have heard many ways to describe the night sky but I have never heard it like this before. You bring a unique way of articulating things which will get you far as a writer.
Sorry if I was harsh.
Thanx for a good descriptive poem,
watchmeburn

Hey ROC,

I liked this piece. I thought some of your other poems were better, but this was nice and simple. It was a good concept, not really a story, but the scene of the night sky. I do agree with Kingolions, it was a bit cliche`, and putting you own spin to it would really, really work.

But I thought it was relaxed, adn not confusing at all. It was also well thought out which it what I liked. Also, try and make us, the readers, not only see what you felt, but help us to feel it too. With a beautiful night sky, you can feel a lot sitting under stars. Bring that experience to us. Maybe go with your senses: sight, hearing, touching etc.

It was pretty good, nice and calm. Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf