Shining Sun

I walked across the sandy beach,
and far away I could see,
the shining sun ascending high,
over the beautiful sea.

Burning bright like a shining jewel,
it broke through the dark of night.
Now I see it blindingly
in the sky as I stare on.

But how can one so calm and soft,
be as ferocious as it is?
Now day by day it gives us life,
and still we search for light.

Hi!

The language in this poem was very lyrical, and the quatrains are an excellent way of breaking your poem into stanzas. Your descriptions are excellent: I could picture the scene as I read the poem.

As I read the first stanza, the second and last lines rhymed. Therefore when I went to read the next quatrain, I was expecting a similar rhyme scheme. I think when I discovered that the poem does not rhyme, it tripped up the rhythm of the poem, which otherwise is quite good. I might try "unrhyming" the first stanza so it fits the rest of the poem.

Overall, I really liked this. Good job, and keep writing!

--Glim

Hey! I liked this. Your rhythm was great and the sense of mystery was just kind of THERE. I definitely thought you had real imagery.

Spots I liked:

kingolions wrote:the shining sun ascending high,

kingolions wrote:But how can one so clam and soft,
be as ferocious as it is?
Now day by day it gives us life,
and still we look for light.

Spots that could be worked on: (and reasons why)

kingolions wrote:over the beautiful sea. well, obviously, it's beautiful. it's a sea. It seems like your description could be better her. Is it breathtakingly gorgeous? Majestic? Mysterious?

kingolions wrote:and still we look for light.Here, the word "look" changes the whole sentence. It's not as powerful as it should be as a poetic ending. It's a great ending, dont get me wrong. But instead of just "look," have something that packs a bigger punch. "and still we search for light"

Ochay! I'm all done! I think your poem was seriously good. hope I helped:)
Your score:
(4.5 pirates)

Hey there kingo, it’s Lily again!

You know what’s really great. I don’t have anything negative to a say about this poem. Heck, I couldn’t even find anything to say about punctuation. It’s not overly flashy and it’s not bogged down with description which is great. Not only that, but the idea is very simple and I actually found myself asking “Why?” when I read the last two lines.

So please, do keep writing poems. And if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

~lilymoore

Hello there, Kingolions!

Nice poem, except for a couple mistakes in your punctuation.

I walked across the sandy beach,
and far away I could see, [Change to a period.]
the shining sun ascending high,
over the beautiful sea.

Burning bright like a shining jewel, [Change to a semi-colon.]
it broke through the dark of night.
And[Take out the 'And'. It's best not to start fresh sentences with that type of word.] Now I see it blindingly
in the sky as I stare on.

But how can one so clam and soft,
be as ferocious as it is?
Now day by day it gives us life,
and still we look for light.

Otherwise, this is a very nice poem. You did really good, and for the most part did good with the punctuation and the rhyming. ^_^

Keep it up!

~Heather

So, first thoughts are, don't use "shining" so much (it's in the title, first stanza, and second stanza; try to cut out one of those), but otherwise this is an excellent poem. The imagery is pretty and the structure is fitting. It kind of felt like a softly sung song.

"Now I see it blindingly" I really like this line because despite your wonderful description of the sun, it is almost like a blessing/curse or double-edged sword since it blinds you. This is further brought to the reader's attention with, "But how can one so calm and soft, / be as ferocious as it is?". Great use of a question.

The ending line, "and still we search for light." was great because it felt like you had put your signature on the poem with it.

All in all it seems grammatically polished.

*likes*

-inkwell