Young Writers Society

I’m dreaming of a world
Where tree’s are cotton candy,
Where the sea is coca cola,
And no one gets sick,

I’m dreaming of a world,
Where there is no Malaria,
Where there are no illnesses
And no one gets in trouble,

I’m dreaming of a world,
Where there is no graffiti,
Where there is no rape,
But I’m dreaming of a fairy tale.

In life there is good and bad,
Focus on the good,
Forget about the bad,
Live your life,
Because you own it!




I did this in about 2 minutes, but what do you think?
Thanks for reading.

Hello,
I think this poem seemed very thought-out even though you did it in two minutes. It reminded me of that song 'Imagine' by John Lennon. Your imaginationn is great! Keep it up, this was cool.
The only thing I thought needed improving was that it could've been a little longer, and had better use of language.
Well done, keep writing!
- tam_ara

Hey there!
~I'm dreaming of a white christmas... Anyway!

I like the "I'm dreaming...
Where...
Where...
And..."
Pattern it's individual and kind of catchy

Here's just a few thoughts:

HannahDutson_x wrote:I’m dreaming of a world;
where tree’s are cotton candy,
where the sea is coca cola,
and no one gets sick.

I’m dreaming of a world,
Where there is no Malaria,
Where there are no illnesses
And no one gets in trouble,

Okay this may seem odd but I think this stanzas too meaningful. Poems like this should be happy and fun. Make me smile not ponder; it's the wrong rhythm for sentimental thoughts.

I’m dreaming of a world;
Where there is no graffiti,
Where there is no rape,
But I’m dreaming of a fairy tale. <- I like that.

In life there is good and bad,
Focus on the good,
Forget about the bad,
Live your life,
Because you own it!

Okay. My major nitpick is it needs to be "happier", personally. The rhythm I get from the effect of repetition, structure and punctuation gives me a happy and lively tone. So give me a happy and lively set of language and a good smiley meaning, no? I do like the message telling us to "Live our lives" though. I couldn't agree more.



I did this in about 2 minutes, but what do you think?
Thanks for reading.

Keep it up,
Ben

I totally agree with Ben. You strike me as a happy person, mirror your poems to that! Also, fix up your punctuation. You have a couple of commas that should be periods. Other than that, I really enjoyed this. Work on this and it'll be amazing!

--Dreamy

Hey there, Hannah! I'm here to review your poem! Let's get started.

Okay, so my first impression was a good one, upon reading that first stanza, with cotton candy trees and coca cola seas. Those things specifically provide a quirky imagery to your poem that made me want to read more. That being said, though, you kind of changed the style of the poem from the beginning of the second stanza and onwards after that, until you were just writing down the wishes of the narrator. Instead of using vague metaphors like cotton candy trees, you just wrote statements that were somewhat bland. I would have liked to see more metaphors like the aforementioned trees and seas to make it a little more interesting. That alone would have made your poem more original.

But overall, I think it's nice that you have an optimistic and hopeful view with this poem, and it gives a whole other idea to the reader. If you have any questions or would like another review, please don't hesitate to ask!

So, hi there.
Like Ben, that over-the-top-reviewer-dude, said...I really love your pattern of:
"I'm dreaming...
where...
where...
and..."
It's beautiful, really and honestly, and quite unique. Poets need to be unique.
I might add to end sentences occasionally...instead of just using commas all the time. But, still, nice job.
Tata.
-Mizz

I liked your poem, it's usually harder to write a happy poem, at least in my opinion, and this one was pretty good. I just have one suggestion, and that is to work on your ending where you say, "In life there is good and bad,/Focus on the good,/Forget about the bad,/Live your life,/Because you own it!", it's kinda cliche and seems to simplify the poem.

Hi HannahDutson_x,

HannahDutson_x wrote:I did this in about 2 minutes, but what do you think?

I think you need to spend more than two minutes on a poem that you post on YWS. Otherwise, you're insulting anybody who spends more than half that time reviewing the piece.

In any case, this was boring - as if you'd just come back from watching a Disney movie and wrote literature simply on the overall theme. If you write a poem that you actually put a bit of energy into, it will probably be better than this.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Well, I must say I love the first verse. It -like others have said- made me want to read more. That would be one awesome world. (: And even though you changed it from being happy to a little more serious, it is still really good. Sometimes its needed to be serious. And I like how you put reality in it after your fairy tale dream. And even though there are bad things in the world you make it sound like there's hope. And there really is.
But besides the punctuation, there isn't much of anything wrong with your work. (:

Keep it up(:

~BG~