FATHER-LESS

Im father-less because of you
and all you didn't do, I have
no love for u you hurt me.

Im father-less because u where
never there, you left my mom before
i was born, that's why I hate u.

Yes im father-less, and now I
have to deal with my own
drama, and depression with
out you because you left me
father-less.

First, there are some very important grammar changes that you should make to make this poem readable. Change all the u's to you, capitalize the I's, put an apostrophe in the I'm, spell out before, and take the last word out of caps lock. Fatherless is one word, with out a hyphen. Making these simple changes will get you a lot more reviews on YWS, where chatspeak is discouraged. It's a lot more poetic, professional, and literary to use proper grammar.

Your thats should be that's, with an apostrophe because it's short for that is.

In general, I think you should try to show a bit more of the pain of fatherlessness, instead of just saying "I have depression because of you." Use words to describe that, see if you can make the reader feel and understand these emotions.

Hello Percy, I'm Lydia and I will be your reviewer!

Welcome to YWS
Ok so firstly I would like to say that I noticed you didn't have any reviews yet, try to stick to the 2:1 ratio, 2 reviews for every one piece of your work
Also we avoid chat speak on YWS because we are writers so we don't look for short cuts, so that needs correcting.
Anyways, onto the review. My edits will be in red

percyp wrote:Im fatherless because of you,
and all you didn't do. I have
no love for you, you hurt me.

I'm fatherless because you were (Instead of where)
never there. You left my mom before
I was born that's why I hate you.

Yes I'm fatherless, and now I
have to deal with my own,
drama and depression,
without you because I'm fatherless.

Now I have just edited the grammatical and spelling stuff in there but it isn't finished yet. Your rhythm is a little disjointed and as Jenna said it dosn't express any of your feelings which is generally what poetry is about. Instead of blaming the other person, try to express how this character feels about being fatherless.

Overall, it needs some work, but this is what this site is all about, helping you to improve. Just try reading your poetry aloud and then you can see how it sounds.

Good luck with improving this, it is an interesting subject.
~Lydia

--> Hello again.

Okay I prefer this one to your otherone because I can feel some vague emotion trailing through but once again you lack the effect. Its badly written if I'm being honest with you. You need to start punctuating and structuring accordingly to make your poem fluent, increase rhythm and MORE importantly create an IMPLIED message!
You're way too explicit. I'm trying not to be harsh, but I can't, its best you hear the truth so you can learn, right?
The chat speak is terrible, lose it.
Read your poetry aloud, edit the punctuation.
Structure it better; you have ZERO punctuation! Where do I know when to breathe? How can there possibly be any pace?

Work and work on it.
Perhaps poetry isn't your thing? Try prose? Or keep at it and edit it, go to forums, read other people's work and even ask your teacher. Do everything you can to improve and your poetry will become EXCELLENT.

KEEP WRITING!
Ben

I totally agree with everyone else. Don't chat speak, and add some more emotion. And grrrr! You didn't punctuate! I'm inclined to agree with Ben. Why don't you try prose. I'm not trying to be discouraging, just making suggestions. You have lots of talent, work on this some more!

--Dreamy

ps: Welcome to YWS!

Hi, Percy. Welcome to YWS...and nice to see you again.
I agree with everyone else. Completely.
Do NOT chat speak. It is, for one, against the rules. Sort of. And it's annoying to us grammatically correct writers and poets. And, oh my, can you please add some emotion? This was, honestly, like cardboard. Stiff, meaningless, and sort of scratching on the surface of what a poem should be. It wasn't good, though. There's the truth for you. And, oh, oh, dearie me. You didn't punctuate at all. Horrid.
You have talent. You need a lot of work, however.
Bye, and keep on working on it.
-Mizz