hoodiegirl wrote:Jeans,
t-shirt, Why do we care what she's wearing? Maybe try, "You'd never know from the clothes she wears, but she's hurting inside" or something.
normal appearance,
but hurting inside,
waiting for life to turn around,
but it never seems to want to. never seems to want to what? I know what you mean, but this is confusing.
Fall to her knees, poetry is no excuse for bad grammar. SHE falls to her knees.
cries to the one,
the one who will hear. I think only having one "the one" will make this line stronger.
She tries to escape,
but never can. How does she try? Show, don't tell.
Until she calls to the One Who Hears All.
hoodiegirl wrote:Jeans, a t-shirt
normal appearance,
but hurting inside,
waiting for life to turn around;
it doesn't spare a backwards glance.Or something to that effect.
Falling to her knees,
she cries to
the one who will hear.
She tries to escape,
but never can.
Until she calls to the One Who Hears All.
hoodiegirl wrote:Jeans,\
t-shirt, Try a phrase that draws you in to the poem some more.
normal appearance,
but hurting inside,
waiting for life to turn around,
but it never seems to want to. This has some lack of flow. You should take out the "but". "But" is never great in a poem, in my opinion.
Fall to her knees, Try "Falls to her knees"
cries to the one,
the one who will hear. Repetitive.
She tries to escape,
but never can.
Until she calls to the One Who Hears All. Doesn't really flow...
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