7-29-09 First Love

4 posts
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anime-girl13
Gender Female
Points 1844
Reviews 14
Sun Dec 27, 2009 3:35 pm
anime-girl13 says... · Sun Dec 27, 2009 3:35 pm
I met you in the summer,
With your crazy green eyes,
And your crooked smile.
You stole my heart
Just by saying "hi".
And I don't mind.
You can keep my heart
If I can steal yours in return.
Last edited by anime-girl13 on Sun Dec 27, 2009 4:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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R3b3L
Gender Male
Points 1747
Reviews 9
Sun Dec 27, 2009 4:10 pm
R3b3L says... · Sun Dec 27, 2009 4:10 pm
I like it sounds like a facebook status :)

In the second line I think you meant "Your crazy green eyes" instead of "You crazy green eyes,"

Short + Sweet = My kind of writing

lol

3/5
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anime-girl13
Gender Female
Points 1844
Reviews 14
Sun Dec 27, 2009 4:13 pm
anime-girl13 says... · Sun Dec 27, 2009 4:13 pm
Thanks for catching that! ^^
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Moriah Leila
Gender Female
Points 7596
Reviews 287
Wed Jan 06, 2010 7:54 pm
Moriah Leila says... · Wed Jan 06, 2010 7:54 pm
This was a cute poem. Very brief and to the point. My only real critique was the second to last line.
You wrote:

You can keep my heart


And for some reason, I really felt like this disrupted the flow of your whole poem. Personally I think it would read better if you wrote:

You can keep it


Also, punctuate your poem just like you would a regular paragraph. Put commas and periods were you would naturally pause. You don't have to capitalise each line, unless it is following a period. Hopefully this was helpful. Good job!
I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.
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4 posts


Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
— Apple Inc.