Dream

This was a dream I had last night. It seemed much cooler in my mind...heheh. After I woke up I immediately started jotting down the words. It's like a pressed replay but it was going super fast, and you know what? When I was finished writing, I realized every two lines rhymed. Weird, eh? Anyway, I'm in a rush to get this on here...Oh, and Please review and rate or criticize! Love either one! :]

He told me to lie down beside him under an oak tree. The leaves were bent down and it was night time. The moon showered a white glow down on the jade-green grass. I could smell the damp leaves above me that hung down.


My boyfriend held my hand as he was holding a thought right at his ear.
It was probably one of his other poems he wrote for me.
I sat beside his cozy chest that was in a brown-leather jacket he would soon take off to share the warmth with me.
"Let it out," I say smiling big.


He clears his throat.
My head is under his chin.
He begins:


"The churning waves have pulled you in.
Tides place your stanse in the muddy sand.
It tugs at your soft feet, pulling you gently down on the shore.
You are calm as the ocean sees your beautiful grace;
A rose in an earthquake- still velvet."




I heard his words and my chest tightens. Chills parade down my arms. His words are so silver and fluent.



" The cold chills of the November night swallow you in hypnotic eyes of sapphire.
You're unable to stand, you're held in desire.
Can you feel the swirling fish pass your shoulders?"




I find myself gazing into his blue ocean eyes. I can't move myself. He just looks up at the stars. He warms up my shoulders, like the swirling fish.
"They are swimming and your face is wet.
They dance in mild motions, the ocean is your bed.
Hold your breath, you're suberged. Now sleep deep.
I suddenly wake into your world of dreams."
I imagine lying just under the ocean's surface, falling alseep heavily and dreaming. I'd be in a dream with him. I wonder how he came up with these words- these beautiful words where a feeling pops in and it is more than explainable.
"Your sky is magenta and golden.
It leaves a tint of pink over the horizon,
As your rosy cheeks I wish to be upon...
In this dream, I am behind trees and you're on the beach alone,
As I study your patience from this damp jungle."




He is looking up to the sky now. He is sweating in the hand I am holding on to. I hug him closer to me. We're both sixteen, a hug is alright. He pauses to smile and continues. Heat begins rise in my stomach. Butterflies. I close my eyes and hear a drum puonding against my chest. I feel as I'm being rocked like a baby being sung a lullaby.

" You're dreaming I'm out in the blue to come and surround you with arms for your castle.
Like a midnight indigo starry night, you're mind is of not knowing you're still under water...
The branches snap and bend as I run to you, Please tell me
Must I kiss you to wake you, Sleeping Beauty?
With two feet,You hear me and I smile
Once upon a dream ,is a second time, I've seen you joyfully cry..."

My lips are to his cheek. I rest my head there. I smile. I can imagine me by the shore of the beach he speaks of; and him captivating me in his arms. In some way, he is supposed to be a voice to her, or the water surrounding her?

"You wrap me till I have a pound in my chest.
This is your heart beating into mine, you give me a kiss.
It is somehow more than there was meant to give.
A fire stone on ice; I dance myself to sleep and fulfill
Moments which will be rememebred as my spirit is still..."

I hold his hands and had the urge to kiss him.

Hi there, Pacific_Sky14. I'm Conrad.

So, when I stumbled upon this, I have to say that I found myself pleasantly surprised. I love how this poem tells a pretty interesting story, and also how there is sort of a poem within a poem, and yet that poem is part of the poem proper anyway. Really liking how you worked it here.

The only qualm that I do have is with your ending. That last italicized bit really doesn't feel like a proper resolution. We're left hanging, and it's not in a good way. I would advise you to add more of a sense of finality to this work. Make it feel as though this is the end and don't simply trail off.

All in all, though, a good work. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

I have to agree with Conrad. The ending was the only part I didn't like. Well, I don't like the salt water lips, either. You could remove both parts and have the poem still work out. You could also have her kiss him at the very end (with no salty lips). You would have to do a little bit of rewriting, though, so that there is something else for her to do between stanzas.

Hmm... Here's how you might rewrite it....
After, "I've seen you joyfully cry", the girl could smile and think about one of those times or about the tears making the ocean. Then, at the next break, say she leaned in, lips to cheek. Then, at the end, they kiss. Don't say anything afterwards.

--McMourning

Hmm, I'm not sure if I would classify this as poetry, even though it contains quite a bit of poetry. It feels more like a short story to me. Especially this part:

He is looking up to the sky now. He is sweating in the hand I am holding on to. I hug him closer to me. We're both sixteen, a hug is alright. He pauses to smile and continues.

In order for me to consider this a poem, I would want you to get rid of all the extra commentary surrounding the poem. As for the poem itself, it is beautiful and would stand on it's own wonderfully.