I Am

OK. This is like my first poem ever... Well, kind of I don't count the ones I did as a five year old as poems, but whatever. I just thought: "Hey, this way you get to know me better." Anyway, enjoy!



I AM



I am a social ambivert girl who loves anime.
I wonder where I will be in ten years from now.
I hear my annoying brothers’ voice.
I see a beautiful sunset on the beach.
I want a trip to Europe with my best friends.
I am a social ambivert girl who loves anime.


I pretend that Math class isn’t torture.
I feel the pressure of getting good grades on the back of my neck.
I touch the salty water in the sea, while I bury my feet in the sand.
I worry that I may not get into the college I want.
I cry when I remember my grandma.
I am a social ambivert girl who loves anime.

I understand the pain of losing someone important.
I say that to live a creative life we must lose our fear of being wrong.
I dream that I’m in a dream.
I try my best to concentrate on my studies.
I hope that I don’t become a social pariah in the future.
I am a social ambivert girl who loves anime.

Hello. Nice to meet ya. Your first poem, yay!

Well, first, you need to fix your punctuation. It doesn't help this poem that you have a full stop after each line. Use commas and semi-colons. Put more flow into this.

The repetition of 'I am' as the beginning of each line also gets tedious. It feels like you're reading this off a list. Change the structure of how you present who you are.

Another thing is that I think that you have too many things going on in this poem. I know that this is a poem about yourself but you don't necessarily have to put all this tiny details and pack them into one poem. Explore one detail. Elaborate on it. Make music out of it. Or rather make poetry.XD There's just too many things in here and all you say about it is a single line that doesn't really give the reader much.

Put some flow into this. Make the lines flow into one another. Draw connections from them. Your lines jump from one thing to another startlingly. You talk about your borther then you talk about sunsets in the line right after. This poem then tends to become so random.

Keep writing. This is a first try right? You'll get the hang of poetry soon. Good luck.

--Knightly

Hi.

Congrats on your first poem! I hope you keep it up.

You stuck closely to the form- I believe that any lack of elaboration, or any tendancy towards repetition was the fault of the form. It may be an interesting exercise to try something in free verse where you focus closely on a single image or concept.

That said, this shows great disciplin.

I think the first line was fresh and interesting and gave a nice general introduction to yourself.

I'd change the second because it's too common a thought. What do you really wonder, in the deepest parts of your mind, the little thoughts which would make you sound crazy if you voiced them? If you do want to keep your original line, I'd cut "in" as you don't need it. I'd change the "beautiful sunset" as it's too big and perfect. What tiny little things do you see?

Were you referring to one brother or two/ If it's one it should be "brother's voice", if it's two it should be "brothers' voices".

Europe again is a little big. Where in Europe? What country? What particular spot? Who are your friends? What makes them stand out? You obviously wouldn't include all this in your poem, but try including little vivid details specific to you that make your poem unique to you.

As someone who never pretended for one second that Maths wasn't torture, I love;
"I pretend that Math class isn’t torture."

I'd look at "getting good grades". What is "getting good grades"? What are the implications of it and what does it entail? Why are you under this pressure? I'd change "on the back of my neck" as it's a little stale. What does the pressure really feel like to you?

"I touch the salty water in the sea, while I bury my feet in the sand" is a lovely image.

I think that the final stanza is your strongest. It comes across that, at this point, you'd gotten used to the form and were communicating your purest truths. I also think the difference between all the seperate thoughts is most effective at this point- they're all big statements, which make it look like a camera is focusing on you from different angles. The only thing I'd change here is " I dream that I'm in a dream." It's a bit watery. What do you really, truly dream?

Hope this helps. I look forward to reading you again.

Jas

I like it!! I found it very interesting. I love how it's so random!!! I also like that you have a lot of sides of your personalaty in it too. A romantic side a funny side it's very interesting!!! I hope you write more poetry!!! And write more soon!!! Bye!!!

Cool!
wookielover17