endings

Days pass, time grows old.
He sits there, a beard accumulating at his chin.
Soup’s gone cold on the table,
toast burnt beyond recognition.

Life goes on.
Not for him though.
Alone forever,
he holds the memories of his dear friends,
near his chest.

Death seems close,
the house cold, drowned of warmth.
Gas stove left on,
he arises from his seat.
No hope of a normal life returning.
Daily routines shattered,
cold and lifeless.

Found by the door,
investigation concluded, suicide determined.
Distant relatives shuffle along,
Cloaked in black, despair disguised.
Seven feet under,
He find peace away from the clawing of a restless mind.


PLEASE, PLEASE give feedback what does everyone think?

Very good poem. It is often hard to establish a rhythm early on, and even harder to to establish one that attracts readers but this poem did establish one that really increased my interest.

Soup’s gone cold

I especially liked these three words, as it turned out to be the unexpected rhyme for,

time grows old

Overall, this poem stirred numerous emotions, from grief and sadness when you meantioned death and suicide, to feelings of suspence. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more of your writings in the future.

All the best!
-Elitehusky

Hey!

Great poem! This poem did add in most feelings: sadness, depression, grief, and growing suspension. Which is pretty hard to do in a poem, but I thought you did a great job in adding all of those in.

Soup's gone cold on the table,
toast burnt beyond recognition.

These were my favorite lines in the whole poem. At first glance, they seemed like two random lines thrown in just for the fun of it. Upon further inspection, they proved, not vital, but almost necessary lines. They created a great foreshadowing.

Gas stove left on

This was how he killed himself, correct? This was the part of the conclusion of the poem for me, but you added another stanza, which I enjoyed very much. All in all, I thought your conclusion was a very fitting ending.

Overall, awesome poem! Keep up the good work!

Oh, and I also wanted to say welcome to YWS.

See ya around!

zOe