Notice

It's killing me that you don't notice the things I do to make you see.
All you think about Is her,
But all I think about Is how to make you think of me.
If you would just open your eyes, and look around,
Maybe you would then understand,
That I can't let you go,
Because you're everything I am...


**Short, i know. Please review!! Thanks!!

This could be a good poem, but I'm not feeling the same emotion you're feeling. Your other poem,"Him", definitely does have that feeling of love in it, while this one it is just sort of...there.

Maybe if you tried to add a few more lines about the heartache you're going through, how he makes you want to die because he won't notice you would add that feeling, along with some length.

Also, is there a reason why "is" is capitalized? If it has a stylistic thing going on, by all means, keep it, but if it doesn't, you might want to fix that.

Other than that, it's a great piece of work

Hi Hailey! June here!

I think this is a decent, short piece, but to be honest, I think it's kind of lacking a strong pull of emotion, or a strong message to hold the reader's interest. It's basically just a few words, that don't have much significant meaning to us, because we're not going to feel the same way about this person that you're feeling, unless you give us a reason to.

I'm not sure that Is needs to have a capital I; it's in the middle of a sentence, and even in titles, "is" is rarely capitalized. Like Thing said, if it's for style keep it; if not, ditch it.


I think you're off to a decent start, but I definitely feel like we need to see more here, dear.

Keep writing! Juniper

Hey!

I like this piece, but it doesn't have that message that connects the reader to the author. It lacks the emotional pull that keeps the reader's interest. Maybe you should add some more lines to it; try to put that feeling of the heartache you're going through. It would also create length to the poem, if that's what you're looking for.

The capital "I" for the "is" kind-of bothers me, but if you put it there on purpose, by all means, go ahead and keep it.

Good start, but I would definitely recommend adding on to it.

Keep up the good work!

zOe

Thanks guys!!

I'll add more to It. And I agree with you guys, after I re-read It, I realized that there wasn't much to the poem. But I really like the beginning, so I think I'll add more. For the "Is" thing, I capitalize every "I" that's In the beginning of a sentence...Don't know why!


Thanks for the advice!!


~*Hailey,<3