A Bridge of Colors

A Bridge of Colors

A bridge of colors hangs motionless in the sky.
Rays of color play across the sidewalk,
still wet from the storm that just passed.

I long to reach the end of it,
but as I walk toward it,
it only seems to run away,
laughing meanly.
I run,
but it just skips farther from my reach.

It slowly fades away,
I sit by the window,
waiting for another one.


I wrote this a year ago, but no one gave me any good feedback. All I got was, "It's good," and "I like it," which isn't really helpful. So, any feedback works! Thanks!

Hey Dragon!

I like this poem!

My only complaint would be that the repetition of colors in the first two lines sounds a little bit heavy, as in it's slowing the poem because we've heard it before.

And, I don't like the usage of "laughing meanly"; it's kind of a hole-y term to use, because it's like saying "He cackled evilly" when it's implied that it's evil! Nevertheless, you can use a synonym, dear, and make this flow a bit more evenly.

But, on the whole, it was an enjoyable poem! Nice work on this!


Juniper

First of all, the theme is good and very simple. Its refreshing to see a poem that has such an uncluttered, basic theme.

A bridge of colors hangs motionless in the sky.

Rays of color play across the sidewalk,

There is an over use of the word 'color' here. Repetition is rather wearing so I would recommend omitting one or replacing it.

It slowly fades away,

I sit by the window,

I'm not the queen of punctuation but this does bother me. The first line is its own sentence so the comma should be a period. If you want to keep the comma then consider adding a word like "as" to make this last stanza into a full sentence.


Anyway,"It's good," and "I like it." Nice job.

And I should also say welcome to YWS, the most awesomeness writing site in the universe. If you have any questions or just want to talk, PM me.

~lilymoore

A Bridge of Colors

I like the title. It really fits.

A bridge of colors hangs,
motionless in the sky.

You could try seperating this into two lines if you want, but it sort of changes the meaning so I don't know.

Rays of color play across the sidewalk,
still wet from the storm that just passed.

Okay, I know this sort of changes your poem a lot, but what if you reworded that to say:
Rays of color dance across the ground,
still damp from the passing storm.

I don't know, just an idea since you said you wanted feedback. You're the author, though, so whatever you like best.

I long to reach the end of it,
but as I walk towards (you need an "s") it,
it only seems to [s]run[/s] slip away,

the only reason I think you should change this word is so it doesn't sound repetitive when you use it in the next paragraph

laughing meanly.

I'm not sure this is the right word.
I run,
but it just skips farther from my reach.


Okay. Overall, pretty good. I like the idea behind it and you have pretty good rhythm and such.

The comments I added are mainly just my ideas, but since you said you wanted more feedback I included them anyways.

Keep writing!

"A bridge of colors hangs motionless in the sky."
'bridge of colors' isn't the most unique description of a rainbow. I'd go for something more subtle, even if it's just finding synoyms for those same words.

"Rays of color play across the sidewalk,"
It's usually not the best idea to use the same word twice within two lines. 'color'

"still wet from the storm that just passed."
I would use more imagery to refer to the storm; refer to it more, again, subtly.

"I long to reach the end of it,"
This emotion, this desire, is cliche. You always hear about the end of the rainbow, right? Expirament; see how many different ways you can come up with of expressing this that you've never heard before, and that explores a different idea about the end of the rainbow.

"but as I walk toward it,
it only seems to run away,
laughing meanly.
I run,
but it just skips farther from my reach."
Describe it. How does it make the person feel? Do they imagine any motives for the rainbow?

"It slowly fades away,
I sit by the window,
waiting for another one." This end is a bit of a let down. You completely drop the pursuit if the rainbow without concluding it, and end with this tame waiting.
And again, we need description, and emotion. You describe the rainbow in the beginning, but the only emotion you touch on is the persons' longing. And we don't know why they're longing.

This can be a good beginning, it just needs a bit more detail. I don't know what they want, right now. You need to make the reader care that she can't reach the end of the rainbow.
I would also try to make use of at least 3 of the 5 senses, and use metaphors, imagery, descriptions.

So, welcome to YWS, good luck with this, and if you want another review from me, send me a PM!

Hey there.

This poem makes me think of someone who is lonely yet content to day dream, satisfied with the adventures one can have within their own mind.

The poem did grow on me. My first read through did not particularly "impress" me, but as I read your poem aloud several times in different ways, it stirred up images that, if not a little quaint, certainly brought a smile to my face and had me recollecting some moments like this of my own.

Things to consider:
- More creative word choice
- A different presentation that clearly communicates where you want the emphasis to be placed when the poem is read aloud. I marked below the words I believed built up the curiosity and delivered the most impact in art.

A Bridge of Colors

A bridge of colors hangs
{motionless} (semi-pause, emphasis)
in the sky.
Rays of color play across the sidewalk,
{still wet} (Pause, enhances the imagery and gives more time to imagination before going to the next thought))
from the storm that just passed.
I long to reach the end of it,
but as I walk toward it,
it only seems to run away,
laughing meanly.
{I run}, (pause, creates dramatic tension)
but it just skips farther from my reach.
It slowly fades away,
I sit by the window,
{waiting} (pause, you're about to deliver the "punchline")
for another one.

- And never forget it's your poem, don't change something you don't want to.



M.

ok - I apologise in advance but my way of reviewing things is to just re-write them. It's the easiest way to demonstrate my ideas. So here goes...


a bridge of colour across the sky
hangs motionless.
Rays spin and dance on the sidewalk:
still wet from the clearing storm.

My heart longs for the end of it
but walking over,
I cannot see.
The laughing thing
runs further and further
away,
out of my reach.

But then it fades;
i watch it go
slowly, gracefully.
And now I wait at this window
for another.


I know it is very different and i am sorry really. But tell me what you think (and why you do/don't like it - i'm interested )

I personally like the first poem better, it paints a picture and gives an image in your mind. the second version is choppy, it doesn't flow like the first version. Though the second versions first stanza is the best. The second stanza of the scond version doesn't completely flow like the first versions second stanza does. Overall I like both of them, both are great the first one just paints more of a image in your mind if you get what i mean.


P.S. Sorry if my feedback isn't helpful or doesn't make any sense.

Hey and thanks for the help!

I enjoyed seeing all of your points of view, and reading certain rewrites of my poem. They were fun to read.

Thanks again!

zOe

Hi bludragon,

bludragon525 wrote:A bridge of colors hangs motionless in the sky.
Rays of color play across the sidewalk,
still wet from the storm that just passed.

The collision and incompetence in which you have fused together different strands of imagery only brings down your poem, and that's not good, especially when that happens in the very beginning. If the bridge is motionless, how can you expect the reader to make a subconscious transition from tranquility to "playing", which is a vibrant and energetic action? The first line is that of quiet, the second is that of a wild dance. Bring both into the same parameters - that is, moderate both of them so that they can at least resemble on another - or discard one.

I long to reach the end of it,
but as I walk toward it,
it only seems to run away,
laughing meanly.
I run,
but it just skips farther from my reach.

That "laughing meanly" thing is an ugly scar on this piece, so delete it. At least delete the immature "meanly" part.

I don't know why you're dividing the stanzas as you are, because it makes them choppy and nearly unreadable. Re-do the line apportionment for this stanza and read it out loud so that you know when it flows and when it doesn't.

It slowly fades away,
I sit by the window,
waiting for another one.

Very sub-par ending, brings too much closure to the episode as if it were something that the reader shouldn't really worry about - like seeing a rock on the ground. Do you want this to linger in the memories of the audience? Make the ending powerful, use imagery, symbolism.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

hey BLUE DRAGON this is dogs here,

I really like this poem it flows well and sounds really great. i like the first stanza the best but i don't like it when you say "still wet from the storm that just passed" i really don't like how this sounds. it dosn't flow well and it kinda ruins it for me.

everything else has already been addressed. wasn't this the poem that you submited into the contest?? anyway i really like it.

The best of luck to you ZOEY. keep up the good work =P










TuckEr EllsworTh

the poem is really well written i often feel that way when i see rainbows but one thing that i noticed in the poem was the line laughing meanly that expression doesn't have any real feeling to it that word doesn't fit the other emotions you express throughout the poem when i read the latter lines in the poem i could imagine seeing you sitting by a window with longing in your eyes wishing to touch the thing that you feel is so beautiful which is a human nature when someone wants something very badly but i think that you closed really well when you said

it slowly fades away

i sit by the window,


waiting for another one

that gives the poem closure
over all i enjoyed the poem and i hope you continue making poetry