~The Inevitable Thought~

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(To get you into the mood: This is a modern poem with modern words with random syllables; in short, a freelance poem. Don't expect something gregarious (If you know what I mean). And also note the line breaks are sometimes weird because I originally made this as a sentence-per-sentence paragraph... Also note the marks at every end of every verse.) Feel free to post your thoughts... (-_-)

~The Inevitable Thought~

Deep in the silence of our sleep,
It stares blankly;
Counting every breath we take.

In the dangers and struggles of life,
It would show its presence
Intentionally without a doubt.

Written in code in books of myths;
It conquers unconsciously,
Yet they describe it as beauty.

Children wonder if they will experience it one day,
Adults may linger to brush away the cruel reality,
And the elderly still awaits its carriage for peace.

Yes, that's the truth I'm saying.
Some one's always dying, and that's a fact.
But then come this thought:

Though we all know about it,
We still continue to ignore it
We all know... that we're all dying.
You have to destroy to create. That's why in Revelation, the world must be destroyed before a paradise is born.

-Yasumi Mion




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This was pretty good, but you need to expand on your ideas. There's a lot about the secrecy of the question and not much emotion. This poem didn't really make me feel anything, and that's the most imprtant thing to do.

In the last line, it would work better if you took out the "...". It's unnesecary.

All in all, a good start, but it needs some work.
"Just saying none of us want to conquer the world won't stop some other idiot from trying."
~Liberty and Justice, by Paul Dini

www.batmanworldblog.blogspot.com




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I thought so..! I knew there's something fishy in my account's work...! Thanks for the advice though, I'll keep that in mind in my next one!
Oh, and did you know that this was my first work posted in this site?
Image
You have to destroy to create. That's why in Revelation, the world must be destroyed before a paradise is born.

-Yasumi Mion




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Gender Female
Points 1490
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This was really nice, kind of mysterious and mhm.
I enjoyed it, it made sense..
But I am very paranoid now!
:)
Goooodjob.
Hey, what's this for?
:]




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Great poem! I just have a few things to say.



:arrow:
But then come this thought:
Comes would work better...I think.

:arrow:
Though we all know about it,
To me this seems to counteract the last line. You just said that a thought is coming, and the line that I just quoted doesn't seem to be a part of the thought...same with the next line. Does that make any sense? Yes, no?

:arrow:
We all know... that we're all dying.
Yes, I would get rid of the ellipsis.

PM me if this makes no sense, because half of my reviews turn out to be gibberish.

~Poem
Last edited by imapoemperson on Sat May 09, 2009 5:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
"We played Pin the Tail on the Reason My Life Feels So Insufficient, and nobody won." -Megan Moriarty




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Woow... I guess I got carried away back there... Anyway, thanks for the notice! I guess some people really need to learn more about their grammar...! (You know, I've got a very good explanation about the typing correction, but I need not to tell because I'm not being a very good writer if I did that.) :smt109
Image
You have to destroy to create. That's why in Revelation, the world must be destroyed before a paradise is born.

-Yasumi Mion



Forever is composed of nows.
— Emily Dickenson