Diary of an Atheist

An imaginary man
Is telling you what to think.
And he's got everyone
Bowing at his feet.

You're going here and you're going there
When its over.
The weight of your debt
Is weighing on your shoulders.

Find the logic you're born with.
Find the science too.
Remember that we are people.
Defined as me and you.

Gathering in groups,
Discussing a lie.
About saints and angels
And places after we die.

Its all a crutch
to the failed and the weak.
Explaining everything
Of which science should speak.

Holidays for him.
And ones for his offspring
But we never celebrate
Just human beings.

Be a person.
Not a creation.
Or you soon you will see.
The death of civilization.

(I really don't care that its an awful poem. It was mostly an excuse for a rant. hahahaah. If you didn't notice its about how ridiculous Christianity is to me.)

This isn't really much of a poem - it's more of a rant, just in stanza form.

It's okay for your poetry to have a meaning/message, but here all you're doing is telling us what your opinion is. There's nothing else to it. You may as well just write it out as a short essay.

Try adding more poetic elements to it - imagery, metaphors, etc. - and make the message secondary to the poem itself.

Actually Sureal, I disagree.

Christopher Fry once said, " Poetry is the language in which man explores his own amazement.", and here, you have the writer exploring his own amazement.

If I had to say anything about this poem it would be that,

"You're going here and you're going there

When its over.

The weight of your debt

Is weighing on your shoulders."

does not fit into the poem. I would either remove it, or re-word it.
Besides for that, I liked it. It really made me think.

Alright, see, I'm all for tolerance. I'm a Catholic, but my best friends are Hindu, atheist, and Protestant. I don't really care if you insult my religion, but I'll say this: it's not ridiculous, if you think about it. It's just a way to lessen the fear of death. Also, you can believe in God and still believe in science. (Personally, I think the whole Adam and Eve story is crap. Big Bang and evolution sound much more plausible.)

Anyway! Now that I've gotten that off my chest, you're poem isn't "awful". My only complaint is in the first stanza: think and feet do not rhyme, but the rest of your poem has a rhyme scheme. Either reword that, or nix the rhyme altogether. And I agree with Sureal. It isn't really a poem, so much as a bunch of broken up sentences.

Writing thoughts
Broken up
Prettily across a page
Does not make for a poem.

Didn't I warn everyone that it was a rant?
But there is no section on YWS for rants, unfortunately.
Someone should make one!!!!

Oh and do know that I am tolerant, I just despise the monotheists who think its okay to cram in down my throat.
But thanks for reading it everyone.
Maybe I'll go off of this idea and actually make it into something other than a rant with awful rhymes.

Oh that should say "it" not "in".
My apologies for how dirty that sounds. ><

I apologize in advance, because this is a topic of much debate between my friends (which is the same group Pen mentioned, and yes, I'm one of the Atheists, and yes, there is more than one of us ), so this may turn more into a rant than a review.

So I'm not crazy, and other people realize what Christianity is! Yes!!! It's nice for a change to have someone agree with you. I too think that Christianity is total bull and I get so tired of having it shoved down my throat. Do you know how hard it is living as an atheist with your super religious mother in a lily-white Catholic town? Lucky for me, I'm friends with probably the only other Atheist in school. I mean, I'm open-minded, and I'll listen (somewhat), but that just doesn't make sense to me. My review so far as message goes: Yay!!! Awesome!!!

My review so far as poerty-ness: eh. I mean, I'm not one of these literary Nazis, and I do believe poetry should just be a way to express yourself, but still. It's not good, but it's not bad, it just is. And although I disagree with Pen that this was "insulting" and that thoughts broken up can't be poetry, yada yada yada, I do have to agree with her on some aspects. That first stanza doesn't rhyme, and this probably should be more of an essay or something.

So basically, awesome message, not so awesome poem, though I do understand that it was more of a rant than actual poetry. And I apologize if this review was a total nonsense crap rant mess.

I actually sort of agree with this. I mean sure it is more of a rant but I like it.

Decent poem, real vitriolic, a pretty effective way of voicing tour opinions and views. This is the poem's strength but also it's weakness; make sure it's not overly explicit. Yeah, it's too rant-y

speak too forcefuly and "in-your-face" and you dull rather than sharpen your edge.

A lot of the power of poetry comes from suggestion and imagery and allusion and metaphor-I'm not suggesting that you turn the poem into some flowery, esoteric (?) poem that's so full of imagery and vague suggestion that you have no ideas what it means, but if you made it less "eff you Christians!" and more "deep".

Not saying to tone it down;

just show us the "tip of the iceberg" so to speak.

Good work, hope you find solace and security.

I too feel what you feel. Why should you let someone who you don't even know exists run your life. Why should he make the decisions in life for you. Yes he has been a motivation for many people and creates an open threat to damn you to hell. But really, why should you waste most if not all of your life worrying about what will happen to you in fifty to maybe eighty years?

I also prefer science over faith.

But anyway, back to the review.

I think you did an amazing job of both proving a point and creating an amazing piece of art. You can consider poetry art, right? Oh well it proves a point and rhymes very well.

Good job.

Keep writing.

All right! ^_^ I get to be the minority here and say that I completely DISAGREE with this poem. But it does a decent job of conveying an atheist's point of view, though it surely isn't persuasive (for reasons that others have already mentioned). But since it's just a rant, I guess you weren't trying to be persuasive?

Little nitpicks I found. I'm pointing these out not to be overly critical, but because I think grammar is important in poetry too. I think the way you use grammar, and having good grammar is the difference between a good and an outstanding poem.

Watch your contractions, I've spotted a few errors:

When it's over.

It is over. Should have an apostrophe.

Find the logic you're born with.
Find the science too.
Remember that we are people.
Defined as me and you.

I absolutely loved this stanza. (even though I do not agree with the message, but I do keep an open mind as well)

Its all a crutch

There it is again. It IS a crutch. Remember that It's= contraction. Its= possession.

But we never celebrate
Just human beings.

Course we do. What about Presidents day? Or MLK? Valentines day? Or Birthdays? O_o xD Hah. Sorry. I had to do it.

Or [s]you[/s] soon you will see.

Either you soon will see, or soon you will see. Personally, "soon you will see" sounds less awkward. But it's all up to you.

The death of civilization

How does worship=death of a civilization? o_0 Elaborate more. Paint more images. I'm noticing a trend. All of your poems are really straight forward, which is not a bad thing. But there's a difference between just telling the emotions through simple words, and then /conveying/ the emotions through images and scenes that the reader can sympathize with.

But overall not a bad attempt. Keep working on it

~ Audy

You have quite the obscure opinion.
But, every one is entitled to one!

Science is quite an interesting subject, I like the one you use the 'rant' type of styling!
It's pretty nifty.

"Or you soon you will see.

The death of civilization."

Not quite exactly sure how Religion can be the death of one, but I suppose I can see some mis-guiding here.



This style of poetry is one I may use, you actually found a way to create a stylish poem, that actually can still be considered a poem, while ranting out your vents.


Keep writing, you have a talent.
Just, I must warn you, if you do become a professional author.
Try to stay away from such a hard topic, no one would like you then!

Stick to the same concept as your poem "two"!

Once again, great job.
And God Bless.


Keep writing...
or else.
xD

Way to, um, tear down religion without giving any evidence for what you are, theoretically, advocating.

The foundation for this poem is flawed. Do you mean it as a purely atheist poem? Then cut out the lines relating to science, and stick to your anti-organized-religion shtick for greater clarity, focus, etc. If you want this to, in fact, be a logical deconstruction, or whatever the term is, as your subtitle and a few throwaway references within the poem suggest, then include what is good and right about science and logic in contrast with what is bad and wrong about religion and the concept of God. Tell us about the beauty and truth inherent to methodical thinking that isn't based on faith; rant about Darwin as much as you do about Christ. Otherwise the balance and the credibility and the interest for anyone not yourself - or of the fairly narrow demographic that holds all the relevant beliefs you put into this - is utterly lost, and this becomes just a therapeutic exercise, which is a waste. I know you said you didn't care about how awful a poem this was, which is fine, but if you are looking for things you can do to make it better, which I hope you are, then try and achieve that balance; it makes, at the very least, for a more engrossing rant.