The Uknown Embodies the Invisible

As I stand and watch the tears
Bleed from your eyes,
I cannot help but smile.
The way your eyes are shining,
And tears streaming down your face,
Makes me think of a warm spring day
Overlooking a gentle waterfall from a grassy meadow
Somewhere in this harsh world - somewhere
Where pain, and destruction, have not yet corrupted,
And where beauty lingers on.

The beauty of pain and suffering.
The joy of seeing people cry in anguish
And hearing them scream in terror
Is like a soothing lullaby a mother would sing
Her newborn child. It takes me places, like a dream,
Of fond memories and brutal instruments of death.
I laugh in wonder as I observe what is surrounding me -
Nothing but peace and solitude.

The murderous torture in my mind quietens.
Yet I can still feel the pain of the departed
And the guilt of those left behind.
Anger. Fear.
This whole place stinks of it.
No one wants to know, think, dream;
Yet all suffer from what they see.
Blood dripping off the wooden benches
Onto the cold stone floor below, slowly flowing -
Like a creek in the bush when the tide is on its way in -
To the corner of this god-forsaken room.

Hey there 'Stoney can I call you Stone? Well anyways, I'm Angel of Death but please, you can call me Angel or Angie. Welcome to YWS, hopefully you stay for a long time because this truly is a family of writers, so get to know everyone, we're a pretty nice bunch ^_^

Also, I know that this is Other poetry and you can basically write it however you please but the only thing I have to nit-pick over is the way that it's formatted.

It looks more like a story and excuse me if there are poems written in this format. I'm sorry if I said this and it turns out that there are poems written in this way.

The emotion in this poem was good and your words flowed perfectly. Just format them.

As I stand and watch your tears bleed
from your eyes, I cannot help but smile.
The way your eyes are shining, and tears
streaming down your face, make me think
of a warm spring day overlooking a gentle
waterfall from a grassy meadow somewhere
in this harsh world - somewhere where pain,
and destruction, have not yet corrupted,
and where beauty lingers on.

The beauty of pain and suffering. The joy of
seeing people cry in anguish and hearing them
scream in terror is like a soothing lullaby a mother
would sing her newborn child. It takes me places, like
a dream, of fond memories and brutal instruments of
death. I laugh in wonder as I observe what is surrounding me
-Nothing but peace and solitude.

The murderous torture in my mind quietens.
Yet I can still feel the pain of the departed and
the guilt of those left behind.
Anger.
Fear.
This whole place stinks of it. No one wants to
know,
think,
dream;
yet all suffer from what they see. Blood dripping off
the wooden benches onto the cold stone floor below,
slowly flowing - like a creek in the bush when the tide
is on its way in - to the corner of this god-forsaken room.

Something in this calibre maybe?

Otherwise I liked this and think it deserves a gold star *clicks yellow star*

I look forward to reading more of your work and if you have any questions feel free to PM me.

~Angel

Hey Angie,

Cheers for the star, and for taking the time in reading this!

After I had written this piece, I trying to decide on whether to format it, decided it may have been better just to leave as is. However, after seeing what it looks like when formatted, and having an outside opinion on it, I've formatted it now.

Thanks again!

- Any name you wish (within reason)

well hello there. i like this quite a bit. it's really disturbing to me, but in a nice catharsis-type literary way.

Some nitpicks:

As I stand and watch your tears

Bleed from your eyes,

I think using "your" twice here is a bit awkward. I would change the first one to the.

The way your eyes are shining,

And tears streaming down your face,

Make me think of a warm spring day

"Make" should be makes because the subject of the sentence is actually "the way." The second line here makes me a bit uncomfortable. It seems as if it should say "tears are streaming" to match the first line.

Overlooking a gentle waterfall from a grassy meadow

Somewhere in this harsh world - somewhere

Where pain, and destruction, have not yet corrupted,

And where beauty lingers on.

First two lines - beautiful. And I think you should take out the first 2 commas in the third line. you don't need em.

Second stanza is nice. But I'm a bit confused by the first line of it. It says "the beauty of pain and suffering" when the last stanza just talked about the beauty of the the waterfall and mettow where pain has not yet corrupted. I don't really understand the connection between these two ideas.

And, I'm sorry to say, I didn't really understand the third stanza at all. What is this poem about? I did love the images of the blood & wood bench & stone floor, and especially the very last line of the poem.

Sorry if this wasn't much help. It was a lovely bit of writing, though.

rachel

Hey nixonblitzen,

Cheers for your input. I've made the adjustments that you have suggested, except for one. I have the commas in place, because they are there for you to pause, and for the reader to understand the sorrow and pain of what is being said when read correctly, but thanks anyway. If you or anyone else has another way or writing this, then let me know and I'll adjust it.

The first line in the second stanza. Okay. The waterfall in the first stanza was describing what the tears looked like, as if the observer was on the meadow looking at the waterfall. Simple. The pain and suffering part in the first line of the second stanza was relating to the tears.

The third stanza actually came about an hour after the first two came. I included it in because I think it fits. I'm a bystander, observing what others are doing to this person who was crying at the start of it all. I can feel, see, smell, and hear everything that is going on around. So in a nutshell, someone - or some others - are torturing this person. I'm sitting in the room, observing with enthusiasm, seeing that it is a beautiful thing, not a horrific thing. It's disturbing and messed up as a whole, I'll agree. I don't write in order for things to make sense, I write what is going through my mind: feelings, thoughts, etc and write as these come. I just sat down and started writing this entire piece without much thought. It's basically how I portrayed it in my mind, so I can understand if it's not understandable, so apologies there.

Anyway, I hope this has somewhat cleared some things up for everyone.