leave me

**I have no idea where this came from the words just sprung into my head so review as harshly as you wish.**

Leave me to,
My pain;
My suffering.

Don’t remind me,
What happened;
Who died.

I don’t want,
Your kindness;
Or sympathy.

Leave me to,
My grief;
My life.

I like this because it is simple and straight to the point. Just something I've always liked in everything. You portray a lot of emotion in it, which allows the reader to understand and relate to what the author is going through.

The only thing I'm going to point out is the punctuation. Question mark the questions, use the semi-colons only when it's necessary, not at the end of every second line. It's unnecessary. A comma would be fine. Aside from that, good work.

I know you and you have not been feeling the best this past week and if you think about it then you will know what i am talking about. I think it was great and I could truly see the pain and the emotion that you put into it. I think it could have just a little bit more though. Just to froof it up a bit.

eighteen
Hey there, imapoemperson, can I call you some form of abbreviation? Anyway, I don't really have much to say on this poem, there wasn't too much philosophy in it, other than that which rests upon the surface, so it didn't require a great deal of thought to comprehend your meaning.

I like some of the concepts in this poem, but I'm not too fond of how you execute them, I realise this is a subject that is close to you, and so that accounts for the emotion in it, but I just think you could make it more raw, you know, more core feeling, more of your soul.

I also think some imagery would be nice to add some substance to this poem. The poem has its skeleton, but that's all. Kirsten's poem meter (not the actual meter in a poem, more of the meter as in the measuring sense, so to speak)

Skeleton - basic idea.
Core - Raw emotion, really, really powerful stuff, almost no poems contain this executed to a degree of brilliance, so we shall work on yours being one of the few that is.
Blood - Philosophy. Philosophy and meaning flowing through the body.
Skin - Imagery. Wonderful language, exquisite descriptions that set about us an air of romance.
spots - Things that are not done correctly, that make the poem better. Are not we better off with fragmented masterpieces than complete?
dead skin - the parts that need to be sweeped off and binned.
food - none of the above.

They are not in order of importance, they are merely stated in bodily terms so I can remember them better. Now, I'm going to go over your poem for the first time, and every time I get to a part of my meter I'm going to write the word beside it and then go over it at the end, okay.

Leave me to,

My pain;

My suffering. food and skeleton



Don’t remind me,

What happened;

Who died. skeleton verging on core



I don’t want,

Your kindness;

Or sympathy. food



Leave me to,

My grief;

My life. food

Now, shall we go over each individually?

Leave me to my pain and suffering I gave this a food and skeleton. Food because this isn't really anything on my scale, and skeleton because it is a basic idea. One that could be progressed to a number of levels. Now, the thing is, this whole poem is a skeleton. It has ideas, but they're not developed and they're not made into anything of any interest to anyone. They don't possess anything incredible. Think very carefully of this line, what do you want to achieve by it? Just now it sounds like a rant, and we most definitely need to change that around. Do you want to create an image in our minds of your pain and suffering? Do you want us to understand how horrible it feels to feel pain and to suffer? Do you want this to signify something more? Something deeper? I'm not going to remove anything from this poem, but I reccommend you do. A lot of it is too basic, but for the point of my review, I'm just going to show you how you could work with your faults, and use them to make you better. So let's take for example the former. Through this, we're going to say that you want to create an image of your pain and suffering. There's a variety of ways you can do this:

similes
metaphors
basic descriptions
having metaphysical tie in with the physical to create an image...

You can make up your own styles of creating imagery too, you don't have to follow convention or custom. Think for yourself.

I'm not going to create a line for you, instead I'll leave you to do that.

So we've discovered that to fix the first couple of lines we're going to add imagery. What of the rest?

Don't remind me what happened who died I gave this a skeleton verging on core, because this is good. Most certainly not great, but it's verging on having meaning and real emotion. This is coming from your soul, it is flowing through your blood, it is passionate and carries personal meaning, yes? For this line, I think the way to go forth is to add emphathis to the core aspect.

Make the sentence more dramatic. Make us, as the readers, feel for you. Make us care. Whatever way you choose to go about it, make more emphathis upon the core.

Leave me to my grief, My life
Well... anyone that knows me knows that I simply adore philosophy. It is as much part of me as your heart is to you, it flows through me, a longing and passion to ponder. Anyway, I shall not talk of myself in a review for you. So...


I think I shall leave this one for you to decide actually, I've given you enough tips and hopefully now you know how to go about fixing this.

You will be told that poems such as this don't work due to them being rants, so to speak. But you can make them work. This is something that's happened in your life, perhaps it has been hard, perhaps you have suffered. Make it seem that way. Do not simply state that. Make us know how it feels. The secret to a good poem, in my opinion. is beautiful imagery, either abstract or concrete or a nice balance of the two, philosophy and rawness.

That's the way to pursue this poem: rawness.

Hope I've helped;

~Kirsten

I like it. I know you and you could have put a lot more detail into this, make it puffy, not a skeleton. You told me, you did not show me.

Leave me to,
My grief;
My life.

Your life is not grief, no one should believe that. I also think that the separation is a little off. It should be something like this;
Leave me,
to my grief;
my life

only move the "to"
A good poem altogether.

preview the poem and try to think that your a kid.

after all this is G rated.

imapoemperson wrote:**I have no idea where this came from the words just sprung into my head so review as harshly as you wish.**

Leave me to,
My pain;
My suffering.

Don’t remind me,
What happened;
Who died.

I don’t want,
Your kindness;
Or sympathy.

Leave me to,
My grief;
My life.

well you could add more detail and setting description. if you want a setting. well in this case you don't need a setting so never mind.



this part:

Don’t remind me,
What happened;
Who died

do you really think that is G material? and this part:

Leave me to,
My pain;
My suffering.

pain and suffering and death? yeah that's real kid readers want to read about!

the : and ; are put in the correct places. so that's good.

good grief! you need more detail! i don't know why this person or whatever is sad.

It's very original and I think that it shows a lot of emotions. I'm still not very good at giving long reviews so I'm sorry if it was too short. But I think that it is a very good poem.
Leave me to,
My grief;
My life.
In my opinion it show a person's desparation when he thinks that nobody cares about him/her. It's so sad in the same time so true.

Hello!

I really enjoyed this poem as well. It was very simple, but also didn't beat around the bush. You put your feelings out there and let it be. The only problem i have with this poem is the fact that it's short. If you added some stuff to it, it might pop out more. You did a good job with editing, so that's good. Umm, i think you did a wonderful job.

Keep up the great work hun!!


~Hailey, <3

i thought it was very good. the topic seemed well thought out. but i have a couple questions. when you say "leave me
to my grief
to my life" now im no biologyst but if you are living in grief then i woulnt call that living. i wouldnt call that much of a life at all. mo happyness just grief. thats a really bad living situation and from what jblack-girl said you arent living your life to a full extent. so get out there and take your life and make the best of it. and for peet sakes be happy that the grief can turn around into joy.