Her Voice

Life:
I guess all it took was a simple voice,
A voice that turned into a million voices,
And guided the world beyond its imagination.

It unleashed the silence and showed me reality.
I then, took a new look at life and began to walk through it;
Like I was reading my favorite book.
Only in life; there’s never an ending chapter.

My thoughts became words,
My words became actions,
My actions became habits,
My habits became character,
And that character is what created me.

As I watched myself walk past all the mistakes I’ve made, I than realized, they weren’t just mistakes they were lessons too, and at that very moment as I stopped to think I realized the voice was mine all along.

(This poem basically is about how I heard a voice in my head telling/guiding me how to move on and succeed in life, and in the end I finally realize that voice wasn’t just any voice but it was my very own; hope you enjoy)

six
Welcome to YWS superboii57, here we have a rule that for every piece you post you must review two pieces. That might be why you have no reviews on this piece yet. Anyway, I'm going to do a small critique for you, then you can go away, do six reviews, seeing as I've seen a few poems of yours posted, and then I'll come back and do a long review, okay? So let's start the small review:

Life:

I guess all it took was a voice,

Nix the "I guess" part, it's too informal and makes your narrative less serious and intense.

A voice that turned into a million,

A million what? Voices? If so I don't think it'd do any harm to tell us that.

And guided the world beyond its imagination.

As much as I like these images beginning to form I'm thinking that you should perhaps use some concrete and abstract imagery to add interest?

It unleashed the silence and showed me reality.

Unleashing silence and showing reality aren't really related. I will go into these points more indepth when you have done some reviews

I than, took a new look at life and began to walk through it;

Like I was reading my favorite book.

Only in life; there’s never an (ending) chapter.

Death?

My thoughts became words,

My words became actions,

My actions became into habits,

Either nix the became and change it to turned into or nix the into.

My habits became character,

And that character is what created me.



As I watched myself walk past all the mistakes I’ve made, I than realized, they weren’t just mistakes they were lessons too, and at that very moment as I stopped to think I realized the voice was mine all along.

I like the ending but it's much too long, possibly half the length of the actual poem O.O

so...
All of the points I have stated will be picked up and analysed indepth later once you've done some critiques of your own. So once you've done, the number of pieces you've posted times two, I shall come back and give you a nice, long critique, deal?

Until later;
~Kirsten

Welcome to YWS, once again. I'm Colt. I'm kind of new too, so yay us!

I don't know if it was meant, but the first verse kind of stands out because it's a line shorter than the other two verses.

I than, took a new look at life and began to walk through it; (This is kind of weird, needs to be rephrased)

Only in life; there’s never an (ending) chapter. (Take the parentheses out please. I wouldn't use them, especially in poetry)

Fourth verse: My...became, my...became, my...became, my...became.......there's some repetition and parallel structure. Good job!


I liked the piece, just remember to keep up with the 2:1 ratio rule

Hello.

superboii57 wrote:Life:
I guess all it took was a simple voice,
A voice that turned into a million voices,
And guided the world beyond its imagination. guided the world beyond its imagination? confusing line. rephrase this. although the top two lines are great as a start of a poem. they're very strong.

It unleashed the silence and showed me reality.unleash silence? and showed you reality? silence and reality are words that relate very mildly. since you used an 'and' conjunction to connect the two phrases perhaps it should be connected. there doesn't seem to be a connectionn between unleashing silence and seeing reality. silence isn't exactly a fit here.
I than, took a new look at life and began to walk through it; perhaps you mean "I then"
Like I was reading my favorite book.
Only in life; there’s never an ending chapter. I find it lovely how first you used walking as a way of going through life and then you revert to comparing it to reading a book right after. It's really pretty.

My thoughts became words,
My words became actions,
My actions became into habits, [b]this should be "My actions became habits"
My habits became character,
And that character is what created me.

As I watched myself walk past all the mistakes I’ve made, I than realized, they weren’t just mistakes they were lessons too, and at that very moment as I stopped to think I realized the voice was mine all along.

(This poem basically is about how I heard a voice in my head telling/guiding me how to move on and succeed in life, and in the end I finally realize that voice wasn’t just any voice but it was my very own; hope you enjoy)

I like this poem. There were some words you used that I believe could be changed in order to concretize this poem a bit more but overall this was a really great read. I lov the voice of this poem as well. Very hopeful and postive. 'tis very refreshing after heavy poetry about depressing feelings.

keep writing.

--Knightly

I think that was very interesting and that it was very reasonably smart/clever that you would use a personal experience. That way no one can correct you on the information that you put into it because no one can have seen it exactly as you had to correct it. Although I must say it was phinominal you might want to correct it a bit more because you put the word than in the poem when you clearly meant then.

Wow. Nice poem! Lets get to work;

I guess all it took was a simple voice,
A voice that turned into a million voices,
And guided the world beyond its imagination.

It unleashed the silence and showed me reality.
I then, took a new look at life and began to walk through it;
Like I was reading my favorite book.
Only in life; there’s never an ending chapter.

My thoughts became words,
My words became actions,
My actions became habits,
My habits became character,
And that character is what created me.

*Peanut bows down to your awesomeness*... normally I tell people that they should not start a line or stanza with 'and' or 'but'.... and you didn't! Nice work with the use of that!

My thoughts became words,
My words became actions,
My actions became habits,
My habits became character,
And that character is what created me.

Whoa, way too much repetition! Try starting those in different ways.

As I watched myself walk past all the mistakes I’ve made, I than realized, they weren’t just mistakes they were lessons too, and at that very moment as I stopped to think I realized the voice was mine all along.

(This poem basically is about how I heard a voice in my head telling/guiding me how to move on and succeed in life, and in the end I finally realize that voice wasn’t just any voice but it was my very own; hope you enjoy)

This is very heartfelt, but you should not have to explain this to us at the end. Incorporate it into the poem.

I like this poem! Not the best poem I've ever written, but, then again, my best poem was by Dylan Thomas... DO Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night... but this poem was still good.
Sorry if I was harsh or something... it isn't you. I just critique oddly. Forgive me! *Peanut begs*.

[spoiler]4/10 ... it probably could have been better[/spoiler]

Crysi's critiquing again? What? Oh snap!

superboii57 wrote:Life:

Love it! Love love love this beginning.

I guess all it took was a simple voice,
A voice that turned into a million voices,
And guided the world beyond its imagination.

Hmm... I think someone said to take out the "I guess," but I actually like it. It's like the narrator is reflecting back on an event. Not sure about the repetition of "voice(s)." Maybe "echoes" instead?

It unleashed the silence and showed me reality.
I then, took a new look at life and began to walk through it;
Like I was reading my favorite book.
Only in life; there’s never an ending chapter.

I like the first line here. But we need a little work on the rest... Let's see what we can clean up here. I'm thinking something like...

I took a new look at life and began to walk through it
Like I was reading my favorite book.
Only in life, there's never an ending chapter.

That cleans up some of the punctuation, at least. I wonder if you can spice it up a bit, though... I like the last line there. The first seems a bit wordy and bland... and the second line is very bland. "Like I was living my favorite book," maybe?

My thoughts became words,
My words became actions,
My actions became habits,
My habits became character,
And that character is what created me.

Ooh, a nice twist on a common saying! I like it a lot.

As I watched myself walk past all the mistakes I’ve made, I than realized, they weren’t just mistakes they were lessons too, and at that very moment as I stopped to think I realized the voice was mine all along.

Mm, I like the idea behind this. Can we shorten it up, make it more poetic? Oh jeez, it's 2am, let's see what I can come up with...

I found myself walking past my mistakes,
which showed me the lessons I had gained.
In that thought, I stopped:
The voice was mine all along.

Okay, don't do that. But you see what I'm getting at? Try shortening it up a little. You have a really good idea with that, but it's a bit lengthy, and I think it could really work poetically.

(This poem basically is about how I heard a voice in my head telling/guiding me how to move on and succeed in life, and in the end I finally realize that voice wasn’t just any voice but it was my very own; hope you enjoy)

Okay, okay, I have to say it -- generally, it's a good idea to NOT explain your poetry. Someone once said that if you have to explain your poetry, then you're not doing your job as a poet. In my opinion, it helps to not explain the poetry, because then you get to see the different ideas people get.

Overall, I think it's a really cool idea! Really nice for a start. Just needs a bit of polish to really show it off. Definitely within your reach. Good luck!

Okay, the ending was a little long, but all in all I like the message. I didn't get the "A voice that turned into a million voices," part. Do you mean a million different lessons, or maybe that you lost your own voice in everyone else story? Just straighten that all out
and it all will make sense. I enjoyed reading it, but for the sake of feedback, perhaps
you should let everyone try and figure out the message. Thank you for letting everyone
read it!
-catfood

Hmm I like the idea of the recognition that the voice was yours, but why title it "her voice" ?

I really enjoyed that

It sends a good message and it's a very clever and very interesting poem to read. I especially like your writing style.

I also like it becasue it wasn't another depressing poem and it was something that made me feel nice when I read it. (I know I'm weird) It made me feel very hopefull and positive. Well done!

I would agree with some of the people that you could have used different words in some places but except for that I can't see any obvious faults in it.

Overall it was a very well written poem and I can't wait to read some more of your work!

Keep writing

Meg x-x