Across the Sky

For Rosey Unicorn's Elements of Nature Contest



His eyes are colorless,
Like the sky that threatens to rain,
But never does.

When he smiles
It is like the soft, grey blanket of clouds
That brings winter’s first snow.

Listening to him speak
Is like lying in the grass
And finding shapes in the clouds.
His voice is
A quiet rain on the windowsill
At night in bed,
And his words linger:
The purple in the western sky
Just after the sun has set.

His love is the thunder
That shakes the house,
And the clap of lightning
That strikes the top of the hill.

There is no doubt
But that he is your Polaris:
The North Star to which the constellations dance obeisantly across the sky.

Absolutely beautiful - your imagery and metaphors seem so effortless.
I adore the final stanza, I think the final line is a great closing for the piece.

I think there's something quite melancholy about it, maybe that's just me, but of course that's not a bad thing. Perhaps it's the references to rain, greys and clouds that make me think of it as a sad piece...either way, it's quite moving, and I said at the beginning, very beautifully written. I enjoyed reading it!

Hello! About this poem... quite smooth and lovely. Here's my input. The corrections are in bold.~

His eyes are colorless,
Like the sky when it threatens to rain,
But then, it never does.

Adding these few words make it flow a lot better.

When he smiles
It is like the soft, gray blanket of clouds
That bring winter’s first snow.

This metaphor seems to contradict itself. It also makes no sense. What are you trying to say. This metaphor is quite weak and needs to be changed. The word I added helps with the strength of your words.

Listening to him speak
Is like lying in the grass
And finding shapes in the clouds.

Metaphor work. And I split it up. The poem looks better and flows better. Your metaphor should have something to do with speaking. Like listening to his words is like hearing the last bell in school ring. I'm not suggesting you use that but something that connects with the fact that he's speaking.

His voice is
A quiet rain on the windowsill
At night in bed.

This metaphor works. Good comparison.

And his words linger:
As the purple in the western sky
Just after the sun has set.

Yes, you are comparing something. Using like or as is the easiest way that makes the most sense to the reader.

His love is the thunder
That shakes the house,
And the streak of lightning
That strikes the top of the hill.

Lightning doesn't clap, that's thunder. But his love is like that? Love is tender and sweet, strong and intense. Use a better comparison that portrays this.

There is no doubt
But that he is your Polaris:
The North Star to which the constellations dance obeisantly across the sky.

What's that word supposed to be. And your the end gives quite a random finish. There is no way that everything you just said above links with this.

Overall, this poem was sketchy, and confusing. Your metaphors lack the strength and true connection that they need to get their meaning across. None of what you were comparing to the thing itself really made any sense no matter how deep you looked. I think you need to find more plausible metaphors.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Wow - In this I didn't think about images as such. I thought a lot about how it would sound if it was a piece of music. And wait for it - I was thinking of classical music, which is a first for me as I'm not one to switch to classical FM anytime soon.

You create good metaphors throughout which is always good in a piece of poetry - you get some poems which just tell you; this lets you feel like you already know. But somehow, I find it kind of cliched.

I say this - and it's a bit of a stinging point with me - because as I read more poetry I begin to get fed up with all the romanticism with it all. I want a poem that is what it says it is, with no hidden means of love - The One and anything like that are now ceasing to please me.

You turned some good imagery of nature into a lovefest - of course I'm saying this through personal preference and so you should probably ignore me - but it gets a bit old.

A twist would have been good, I think - make that 'he' into an animal, an object, a feeling. Something other than.. well; a he.

Overall, I thought this was lovely and well-written. However, I do have a few minor critiques on the grammar and structure.

When he smiles

It is like the soft, grey blanket of clouds

I don't like the comma placement here. It should be "When he smiles,/It is like the soft grey blanket of clouds".

The third verse is confusing. You have a nice flow going in the first couple stanzas, then you mess with it and it doesn't work. I'd split that chunk into three stanzas, like so:

Listening to him speak
Is like lying in the grass
And finding shapes in the clouds.

His voice is
A quiet rain on the windowsill
At night in bed.

And his words linger:
The purple in the western sky
Just after the sun has set.

Also, to make that last stanza more consistent with the others, I'd suggest re-writing as "His words linger/Like the purple in the western sky/Just after the sun has set."

The very last line: It's beautiful, but way too long. Maybe you could split it at "constellations/dance"?

One last comment: You don't need to capitalize the beginning of every line. For this piece, I recommend capitalizing only at the beginning of every sentence. This would help the flow.

Overall, this was beautiful and you had some good imagery. Just clean up the structure and it will be even better. Keep writing!

I loved this piece! It showed so much emotion of the character and depth. It shows those feelings that we all get. It touches on just about every level. Excellent job! *gold star*

This is written so well with nice depth and focus on the emotions toward the character. I like how you vividly contrasted each feeling with aspects of nature, it gives it a nice touch. I absolutely love the ending as well. I would just get rid of the "But That" after "There is no doubt" it just seems too choppy compared to the rest of the poem. But overall it was very well done.

nixonblitzen wrote:For Rosey Unicorn's Elements of Nature Contest

There is no doubt
[s]But that [/s]He is your Polaris:
The North Star to which the constellations dance obeisantly across the sky.

Hiya nixonblitzen!

Since I am now finished the judging for Elements of Nature, it's time to pull up all my entries to critique them! ^_^

I was judging on three items. How you portrayed the element, originality and structure.

Element: Not so much an element, but a collection of them used to describe a person. I enjoyed it. ^_^ And the way everything was beautiful and passionate was very nice.

Originality: Very, very original. It was nice to see the beauty of nature used to describe a guy. Just, wow.

Structure: I found the lines to be a bit uneven, although you are very good at pulling that off. The flow was okay, although in some places you could have stood for your lines to be a bit more even in length.

You have an amazing view of things, and have earned fourth place!

Be sure to claim your prize!

~Rosey

it was very intreeging. That poem sounded as though he were still a love but not for long. It sound as though he could crack at any time and he may still, at the time, br a love, but he will forever and always be an enemy of all who feel the pain of the heartbreak that he could and would give at any given time whenever it suted him best.

I could recommend several changes to punctuation and such, but that's already been done and isn't usually crucial anyway. (In my opinion, at least)

At first I wasn't particularly struck by anything here, but after I reread it, I appreciated some of the later lines more.

His love is the thunder

That shakes the house,

And the clap of lightning

That strikes the top of the hill.

This is probably my favorite part. (You never know, with me. ) Thunder and lightning are hardly original metaphors, but the way they are used here has particularly...let's say, "passionate" overtones.

unintended, i assure you.