Pangaea

This is a cynical view of love as if the countries of the world were in love. This is my first attempt at poetry so all critique is very welcome.


We once were like one,
We shared everything.
Together,forever,
Our love was stuck but now it's undone.


Heat spilled up between us,
And now we are split.
Space pushed between us.
No more are we held together by stitch.


Some of us lost forever,
Because we decided to move on.
Differences came between us,
So we floated on and on.


Our different flags,
They represent our chosen lives and paths.
One name, one identity,
We were never closer than that.


Love caused the world eruption,
It caused the hurricane,
Never closer will we be,
Then when Pangaea was our name.

Welcome to YWS...

writersblock101 wrote:

We once were like one, ; ---> :
We shared everything.
Together, forever,
Our love was stuck, but now it's undone. This really pops out of the rest of the stanza.


Heat spilled up between us, no comma here Heat?
And now we are split.
Space pushed between us.
No more are we held together by stitch. This is also, as the last verse of first stanza, "popped out." You don't need the inversion here.


Some of us lost forever, no comma here either
Because we decided to move on.
Differences came between us,
So we floated on and on. ...so many "ons"...


Our different flags[s],[/s]
[s]They [/s]represent our chosen lives and paths:
One name, one identity,
We were never closer than that. I didn't get this right...if the flags are different and we are all one we are close to what?


Love caused the world eruption,
It caused the hurricane.
Never closer will we be[s],[/s]
[s]Then[/s] when Pangaea was our name.

Very nice idea you have there. I corrected some things as you see, but other than little misunderstandings, this was good.

I thought there was a good idea behind this, but it came out a little disjointed. Personally, I think the attempts to rhyme detracted from the words because it doesn't remain consistent and there's no real meter. Try writing in the way that best expresses the idea rather than what happens to rhyme.

Secondly, there were some odd jumps in ideas. Darko pointed out one with the jump from different flags to "One name, one identity". Another weird part is the connection between plate tectonics and love. How did love cause the hurricane? And since when are hurricanes powerful enough to split apart continents? I think that may just be the scientist in me complaining, but it's still pushing the boundaries of logic, which could lose your reader.

Now, I might be wrong, but I think you're saying in the "Love caused the world eruption" line that the underlying heat that tore up Pangaea is like too much passion that can tear love apart. In that case, I think it's an interesting comparison. It just need some clarification and maybe some better wording (another reason I think free verse trumps rhyming).

I know I've been harsh, but I think this is a really cool idea. It just needs some cleaning up. I loved the last two lines. Keep writing!

i know this review is short ,but i loved it!
I like the way you put it.

I think the theme of the poem was excellent, and my God, what a fantastic name, but I think your desire to make it a rhyming poem actually hurt the overall outcome of the poem. If you were to change this into a specific (but unrhymed) meter, I think you'd have more freedom to really get your point across.

For a first attempt, though, this is quite good. I love your imaginative theme, it's very outside of the box.

In the first stanza it should not be " We were once like one". It should not have the "like" in there because Pangaea was not "like" one, it WAS one! So it would be "We were once one". It doesn't change it much. I just think it makes it a bit better. This poem is one of my favorites. There has been so many poems with love and this one was just so original!!!

Good idea, but I'm not so fond of the poem itself. The metaphor itself has a great deal of potential. For me, the poem went downhill at "no more are we held together by stitch".