My Daddy, My Wings

DO NOT CRITIQUE!



This poem is being rewritten right now, so a critique wouldn't really help at all. If you really feel the desperate inceasent need to critique, leave a comment and I'll PM you when the new version is up.



My Daddy, My Wings

I remember when the world was new,
When I hardly knew anything at all,
And before I knew I had hands and feet,
You taught me how to crawl.

I also remember the harder days
When blue skies turned to chalk,
When storms wrapped themselves around us,
You taught me how to walk.

You said to always follow my dreams
As you lay me down to sleep,
Untill I came to take that very first step,
And you taught me how to leap.

Now there are times I hate the world
When I know that you're not here,
Then there are times I hate myself
For each and every fear.

And though the storms are getting stronger
I know that I'll get by,
So each and every day I'll thank you
For teaching me how to fly.

Aww, this was sweet! I couldn't really find anything wrong with it, I just have a few suggestions. I'm not so sure of this is really an error, but I would capitalize the first word of each line. Also, it was little bit dry and boring. I mean, I liked the imagery in the second stanza, but that was about the only extent of it. I'm scaring myself because I'm starting to sound like my one friend, but you're basically just telling me what's happening and how you feel, you need to show me what's happening, make me feel your emotions. Anyway, gold star for making me smile, and writing poetry that actually has a happy tone to it, instead of the usual doom and gloom.

This is sweet! I like the way the second stanza painted a
vivid picture in my head! I have to agree that maybe you
should capitalize the first letter of every line. I think maybe
you should try and add a little more insight to how you
were actually feeling and maybe just a little more description.
There is just one thing I'd like to add though I'm not certain if
it's right or not.

till I came to take that very first step,

I think maybe it should be until instead of till but I'm not sure.
Anyways, good job and keep writing!

~Justy

I really love this poem. It's beautiful, emotional and simple.

When I say simple, I mean in a good way. It is clear and beautifully comprehensible with lots of genuine emotions behind it.

All in all, I loved it...it nearly made me cry!
(That's a good point! I'm very emotional, so this is perfectly natural! Really a lovely poem!!)

I loved this so much. It was so pretty and sweet.

The only thing that I would suggest is gong back and making sure the rhythm in the last stanza is consistent, because it seemed to fall apart a little.

I remember when the world was new,
when I hardly knew anything at all,
and before I knew I had hands and feet,
you taught me how to crawl.

You definitely need that comma there.IT changes meaning without it.

You said to always follow my dreams
as you lay me down to sleep,
till I came to take that very first step,
and you taught me how to leap.

My favorite stanza. BEautiful.

Hey
This is a lovely poem, it's so charming and cute (: Really beautiful. Now, shall we?

I remember when the world was new, Right, I really love this poem, and so in order to be able to give you any constructive criticism, instead of babbling, I'm going to be very nit-picky. I don't really like the repetition of 'new', even though knew and new aren't actually spelt the same, they sound the same, if you read it out loud it's kind of annoying. Synonyms perhaps?

When I hardly knew anything at all, Try reading it aloud. I remember when the world was new, when I hardly knew anything at all. They're a wee bit annoying, lol. Maybe I'm just being picky but personally I'd change it, s'up to you though Just a suggestion.

And before I knew I had hands and feet,

You taught me how to crawl. I love these lines, but I feel it's lacking a certain something... (more on this later)



I also remember the harder days

When blue skies turned to chalk, Right, I absolutely adore these lines, the latter of the two is perhaps my favourite line in the whole thing, it has lovely imagery. However, another nitpick here, I'd nix the 'also' it's a tad bit redundant.

When storms wrapped themselves around us,

You taught me how to walk. Hmm... I'm not too sure about the latter line. It could be incredible if done properly, but I might change it. Let's see:
When storms wrapped themselves around us,
You taught me how to walk.
Are these two sentences really connected? Do they have anything to do with each other? Perhaps something more like this would be better?
You taught me to be strong, you taught me to fight back. &c. So that your examples have something to do with the subject matter. You taught me how to walk is a good enough line to use, just not here.



You said to always follow my dreams

As you lay me down to sleep, I love these lines, perhaps you could expand them, if you do just be careful not to make them too cliched. Otherwise I think this could be a great subject to pursue later in this poem.

Untill I came to take that very first step,

And you taught me how to leap. I love these lines Just a typo; until only has one l.



Now there are times I hate the world

When I know that you're not here, I think the now is a bit redundant here too.

Then there are times I hate myself Again, you could do without the then

For each and every fear.



And though the storms are getting stronger

I know that I'll get by,

So each and every day I'll thank you

For teaching me how to fly I absolutely adore the ending!

Okay, this poem was absolutely beautiful. The ending especially. My favourite stanza was the third stanza I think it is, the one about dreams. This poem is beautiful on a variety of levels, it holds both personal and interpersonal meaning, the latter being the most prominent evidently, yet it could also be the former, perhaps the father signifies something on the inside, a willfull spirit, breaking free, teaching us the singings of our souls. 'Kay, maybe that's a bit too deep for this poem. It's obviously intended as perhaps a gift, or maybe just an acknowledgement of love. I really like that: we don't show people how important they are to us until they've gone. Until they're dead. We don't realise things at the time, we're too caught up in momentary events, too captivated. Anything could happen to any of us, we need to acknowledge those who are important to us. This is a lovely poem.
Keep writing poetry, you have a real talent for it.

~Kirsten