Feelings Don't Last Forever

I haven't written poetry in a year or two, so I know this is pretty horrible. I'm not a poetry person. Oh, and I tried not to rhyme in this. If you do see rhymes, they were not intended. I only wrote it because I was a bit sad and I wanted to get my feelings out. Feel free to tear it apart. =(

I've dropped so many hints.
Why don't you pick them up?
I want you to know,
but I don't have the guts.

Have you known all along
or are you just dumb?
I need to figure it out
because I'm ready to give up.

Is that what you want
or are you still blind?
I've had these feelings all along,
but you're running out of time.

I'm not going to wait forever.
The game is almost over.
So, tell me now if you know
and maybe I'll stop this little show.

I'm tired of holding my breath.
It's time you knew.
Kid, I really love you,
but the feelings I have for you
are starting to fall through.

This is a great piece. I love the topic. It's slightly over-used in general, but I think you've got a good start. Here are my critiques:


First of all, try to stick to one overall theme. You go through different types. You first rhyme every other line, then different lines, then every two lines. Though I think your rhymes are good overall, I suggest that you go back and try change the order of your lines.

So far, my favorite line is the following:

I've dropped so many hints.

Why don't you pick them up?

I want you to know,

but I don't have the guts.

Love it!

- - - - - - -- - - - - - -

So basically, I think you should look over this piece and come to a final "rhyming rule" of sorts. Try to decide what you want to rhyme and where. When writing, it is important to let ideas flow through. But the hardest part is to go back and edit them.

With some editing, this piece could really improve.

PM me with any questions! :]

-dd9

Thank you. I couldn't really get it to stick to any rhyme scheme, so I kinda just spit balled it.

Towards the end, my mind was drawing a blank so I tried to just throw in whatever fit.

Oh my gosh, I absolutely loved this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This poem is so true, I just wish some certain guys I know would hurry up and read it.

Now time for the real review:
It was very nice, and I could barely tell that you haven't written in over two years!
The rhyming and tempo was a little off at some points,
and for some odd reason the second stanza made me feel a little awkward, I think it was because of your use of the word "dumb", it sounds kind of informal for a poem that is overall well written.
I hope this helped!

Keep on writing!

I love this poem. It had incredible depth and showed real emotion. It was very nice; it is true in some cases. You have a true talent. I am not the best at poetry but this was outstanding. Simply wonderful!

OMG!!!!!!!!!! This is perfect. Absolutley PERFECT. I know how you feel, I kinda have the same situation going on right now.... here are somethings that i noticed (i am just gonna paste the whole thing so i can find them as i go..)


I've dropped so many hints. ---- the only thing is it seems like you are starting in the middle.....----------

Why don't you pick them up?

I want you to know,

but I don't have the guts.



Have you known all along

or are you just dumb?------i love the simplicity, yet it means so much more. very good.

I need to figure it out

because I'm ready to give up.



Is that what you want

or are you still blind?

I've had these feelings all along,

but you're running out of time.



I'm not going to wait forever.

The game is almost over.-------- very good simile, but a bit cliche'...but don't feel the need to change it if you don't want to...--------

So, tell me now if you know

and maybe I'll stop this little show.



I'm tired of holding my breath.----very effective line-

It's time you knew.

Kid, I really love you, ---- i love the "kid" part. i wanna say this to the guy i like.

but the feelings I have for you

are starting to fall through. -----good ending.


over all this is really sweet, but sad. i think that you should keep letting out your feelings this way because it really does help... PM me if you write more about this!

sounds like the openings to a punk song.

Great composition, I think the lines could have been a bit longer and a few more expressive words could have been used, but otherwise it was a great piece.

Also, you could have just expanded a bit more on the vocabulary, but then again this is kind of curt and I like that style.

Congrats, Keep it up ^_^

Ok for someone who hasn't written in a while it is really really really good.

You have a pattern going but it isn't necessarily rhyme (there are some rhymes in there but it makes the poem flow so keep them). The flow is lost a little at:

I'm not going to wait forever.
The game is almost over.
So, tell me now if you know
and maybe I'll stop this little show.


Just a little and that's my personal opinion BBBUUUTTT
Overall i really loved it.
The subject is sorta close to my heart and I have a thing for sad and sappy
Keep on writing PM if you change anything

Kamas