♥Love♥

♥L.O.V.E.♥



It's on the streets,

In people you meet,

Even in those heartless souls.



Though there seems no way out,

It comes about,

And sheds some light,

Giving you a burst of might.



It's that one thing,

That brings out the best,

And at times the worst.

Joys of laughter and the tears of uncertainty.



It's like the sun setting on a beautiful evening,

Or like a baby looking into it's mother's eyes for the first time,

It can be sour,

Like at times a lime,

When it's fake or just a lie,

But still it's hard to live without,

It's that one thing that comes about,

It's love.

Commentsss? Please???
*puppy dog face*

[quote="JustDance=]"]♥L.O.V.E.♥

It's on the streets,>>>hmm, I would change it to something more like (Love... It's painted on the streets) Just seems to flow better, you know???
In people you meet,
Even in those heartless souls.

When it might seem as if there is no way out,
It comes about,
Sheds some light,
And gives you a burst of might.>>>Don't force rhyme, just let it flow, like that song Fall For You-it doesn't rhyme, great song. Listen to it if you haven't already.

It's that one thing,
That brings,
Joy and tears.>>this sounds choppy.

Try this
(It can bring out the best,
and it can bring out the worst.
Joys of laughter
and the tears of uncertainty.)

It's like the sun setting on a beautiful evening,
Or like a baby looking into it's mother's eyes for the first time,
It can be sour,
Like at times a lime,
But still it's hrad to live without,>>(HARD) spelling.
It's that one thing that comes about.[/quote] >>Hmm, the ending is kind of like a brick wall, I feel like I'm runing into it, not like it's flowing through my soul.

Sorry I liked totally killed your poem.

very simple yet meaningful poem. I liked reading it very much. A few corrections in bold;

It's on the streets,
In people you meet,
Even in those heartless souls.

When it might seem as if there is no way out;
It comes about,
Sheds some light,
Gives (flows easier like this) you a burst of might.

It's that one thing,
That brings
Joy and tears.

It's like the sun setting on a beautiful evening,
Or like a baby looking into it's mother's eyes for the first time,

It can be sour;
Like at times a lime,
But still it's hard to live without,
It's that one thing that comes about.

Again, nice work. It flowed easily and offered nice metaphors, similes and figurative language. The last rhyme seems a bit forced though. You should also add that it's love. That's what you put in your last line. Don't only announce that in the title. Poems don't work like that. Still, this was a fun read and it was very smooth. Good work.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets!
Forever Threnody

Thanksss guysss!
haha...it's ok octobergirl...critcism is what i wanttt =] unleasttt all of itt wasn't badddd.rofl...=]

First off, hi and welcome to YWS! I know you've been around for over a week, but this is the first time I've seen you, so hi!

Now, on to the piece. I thought you had a lot of good ideas, such as how love can bring joy and tears, the image of a baby seeing its mother for the first time, and how it can bring us strength. However, these ideas could be expressed much more strongly. I agree with October Girl-rhyme schemes are bad. It makes you choose a word that fits the rhyme scheme rather than a word that has power and meaning. Focus on choosing stronger, more interesting words.

Speaking of focus, this piece could use some. Love is a many-faceted thing, something that every human feels/expresses in different ways. This makes it a difficult topic to write about without resorting to vagueness and generalities. A better approach might be to take one idea about love that you want to drive home and flesh it out.

With this piece, you mention the duality of love--how it brings joy and tears. How does it bring joys? Tears? How can it be sour? This is an interesting idea that deserves further exploration. Maybe you can focus on a specific person and what love does to them.

Basically, I think there's quite a few good ideas in here, but fleshing out the piece could really make them shine. Keep writing!

Thanks! =]

im a little confused as to how you mesured your stanzas.. they're all very caddywompus and cadenceless (i don't think that's a word) it seems at some times they rhym, and sometimes they don't.. though i like your choice in words

"It's on the streets,

In people you meet,"

I would put another line here.. is can ryhme with soals .. doens't have to

"Even in those heartless souls."



"When it might seem as if there is no way out,"
I think that that line is too long to fit the stanza..
i would either break it into 2 lines, or shorten it up
so it just says "though it seems there's no way out..."
It comes about,

"Sheds some light,

And gives you a burst of might."
i would either take out and, or take out you...



"It's that one thing,

That brings,"
i'd add on to these 2 lines..
maybe say "it's the only thing
That seems to bring"

"Joy and tears."
i would add another line that
ryhmes with tears.. like
"rather than lies and fears"


"It's like the sun setting on a beautiful evening,

Or like a baby looking into it's mother's eyes for the first time,

It can be sour,

Like at times a lime,

But still it's hrad to live without,

It's that one thing that comes about."

this last stanza stops the whole flow of things.. first of all.. split it up.. and if you want it to ryme make it ryhme




Though it needs editing... everything does.. i love your topic and many of your word choices... and i am SOOOOO
glad you used punctuation, so high five for that, and all the potential!!!!!! <3


~Rachel

Thank you!
i'll change it as soon as possible. =]

Hiya,
I’m Sam, I hope I don’t come across as too cruel! Good luck.

It's on the streets,
In people you meet,
Even in those heartless souls.
When it might seem as if there is no way out,
It comes about,
Sheds some light,

(I notice that there’s a rhyme here between ’light’ and ‘might’. It seems a little forced and random, I wouldn’t add it, there are a lot better descriptive words out there, you know?)

And gives you a burst of might. It's that one thing,
That brings,
Joy and tears.
It's like the sun setting on a beautiful evening,
Or like a baby looking into it's mother's eyes for the first time,
It can be sour,
Like at times a lime,
But still it's hrad to live without,

(‘hrad’ should be ‘hard‘.)

It's that one thing that comes about.

Okay over all I like the intent behind it and it isn’t a bad poem, I just think there’s more you could do to it. Just switch a few plain words in for more meaningful ones and you’re good to go. ^^

JustDance=] wrote:♥L.O.V.E.♥

It's on the streets,
In people you meet,
Even in those heartless souls.

When it might seem as if there is no way out,
It comes about,
Sheds some light,
Gives you a burst of might.

It's that one thing,
That brings,
It can bring out the best,
and it can bring out the worst.
Joys of laughter and the tears of uncertainty.

It's like the sun setting on a beautiful evening,
Or like a baby looking into it's mother's eyes for the first time,
It can be sour,
Like at times a lime,
When it's fake or just a lie,
But still it's hard to live without,
It's that one thing that comes about.

OK, I bolded those two lines because they kind of say the same thing. Yeah, I also agree with October girl. You have some really good ideas and I can see what your trying to do with the poem but you also ( like the other girls said) need more meaningful words. But overall it's so sweet and I really liked it. OH and also, the part that says " It can be sour, like at times a lime" this is OK but it's typical you know? like everyone compares sour things to lemons. You could say that Love is sour like mean old ladies hahaha idk. but you know what I mean. It's really good( I think you're my new writing idle because I really enjoy reading your stuff! Always so interesting) OK that's it I guess. Keep up the awesome work!

Geez...you're my bff.
you're supposed to be nice.
*puts up hand*
talk to the hand jerk.
Hehe jk u know i <3 you. =]
Yeahhh the lime thinggg...kinda stupid.
I changed it up a bit though. Check it outtt! =]

Love the poem but I just felt like saying a few things (sorry about this).

It's on the streets,
In people you meet,
Even in those heartless souls.

- Like it!

Though there seems no way out,
It comes about,
And sheds some light,
Giving you a burst of might.

I thought this last line seemed a bit to long.

It's that one thing,
That brings,
It can bring out the best,
and it bring out the worst.
Joys of laughter and the tears of uncertainty.

You started off rhyming and now you seem to have dropped it (?). This confuses me.

It's like the sun setting on a beautiful evening,
Or like a baby looking into it's mother's eyes for the first time,
It can be sour,
Like at times a lime,
When it's fake or just a lie,
But still it's hard to live without,
It's that one thing that comes about,
It's love.

This last verse was good but it felt too long compared to the others, maybe turning it into two verses would be better.
Apart from this it was a great poem very sad, in a happy way (Confused?)

Hey JD, Gspp here!

It's on the streets,
In people you meet,
Even in those heartless souls.

I like this line. I can't find anything wrong with it, so, moving on.

Though there seems no way out,
It comes about,
And sheds some light,
Gives you a burst of might.

I agree with Forever, gives flows better than giving.

It's that one thing,
That brings out the best,
And at times the worst.
Joys of laughter and the tears of uncertainty.

What happened to your rhymes?

It's like the sun setting on a beautiful evening,
Or like a baby looking into it's mother's eyes for the first time,
It can be sour,
Like at times a lime
When it's fake or just a lie,
But still it's hard to live without,
It's that one thing that comes about,
It's love.

This is longer than the rest of them, you may want to split it up.
Example:

It's like the sun setting on a beautiful evening,
Or like a baby looking into it's mother's eyes for the first time,
It can be sour,
Like at times a lime,

When it's fake or just a lie,
But still it's hard to live without,
It's that one thing that comes about,
It's love.

All-in-all, I like it a lot.

Love is a confusing and intense thing. Writing about it is fairly difficult. And yet this poem somehow makes it easy for us to digest..

And that's the great thing about this work; you aren't doing anything other than summarizing, but doing so in such a way that we all get it. Like that easy math formula we all love because it takes only one or two steps to get it down.

Thanks for the read. It's a good poem, nothing to really criticize here, I'm ashamed to admit.