Feeling Yourself Fall

I'm horrible at punctuation, so I just wanted to apoligize to all you grammar nazis who are porbably going to scream when you read this.
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The cold hits you,
Like a wall.
It tears the breath
From your tortured lungs,
And leaves none left
For you to scream.
As the wind knocks you over,
You are forced to lean backwards.
But your legs won’t work,
And your hands realize that too late.
So you fall,
And you ache.
But the premonition was the worst,
Knowing that in seconds,
The uncaring, unforgiving ground,
Would rise up to meet you,
Grinning.
The pain goes away slowly.
But fear,
It lingers for eternity.
Always lurking in the shadows,
Waiting,
Watching.
For that patch of ice,
That will steal the air,
The words,
The energy,
The serenity,
From you.

I love your theme, and nist if your wording. Im sorry that I am not a grammar naziso I won't scream or even fix most puncuation and such because im not that good either.

A few lines I did have a problem with though:

And leaves none left

left doesn't seem to work here. It seems a bit awkward.

But the premonition was the worst,

I had to read this part a couple time to understand it. Im not sure if it was just me, but maybe you should give this line some more thought.

As the bad does come with some good; you had some really great parts.

The uncaring, unforgiving ground,
Would rise up to meet you,
Grinning.

I love the personification in this part. Amazing

But fear,
It lingers for eternity.

I can just feel it. The fear creeping around for so long waiting around for you to slip up. Awesome job.

Overall it was a great piece, you have awesome talent keep going!

~Tiffany

In the tenth line, put "it's" before too. (El)
I love the seventeenth line with the "grinning", nice personification there (May)

Yes, we gave you a joint review. Feel special.
My part of the review was nicer than Twin's...Hmm I wonder why...
Pfft, whatever Twin. I don't think Em really cares that much.
What DOES Em care about Twin???
Hmm... That is a GOOD question.

Thanks guys. Love you too.

WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU WROTE THIS ... ITS VERY GOOD BUT READ THIS IF YOU DONT MIND AND TELL ME IF YOU FEEL THE SAME .TO SURVIVE ....TO KEEP GOING ON.... YOU WORK TO KEEP A HOME FOR U AND YOUR FAMILY ... A CAR ... OR TO PAY FOR WHAT EVER NEEDS YOU FEEL YOUR LIFE IS INTITLED TO.... SO WITH THE OPPERTUNITY THE WORLD GIVES YOU TO KEEP FOCUSING ON YOUR NEEDS YOU AGREE TO IT OR COMPLAIN ABOUT WHY LIFE IS HARD FOR YOU THROUGH WHAT EVER PROLONGS OR JUST HOLDS YOU IN THE SAME PLACE FOR ALONG PERIOD OF TIME...YOU HAVE GOD ... HE PROMISSES YOU SOMETHING THAT MONEY CANT BUY ...SOMETHING THAT NO MATTER WHAT SKIN COLOR YOU IS .... OR WERE U COME FROM U CAN OBTAIN....ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BELEAVE THAT JESUS DIED FOR ARE SINS AND HAVE THE UP MOST LOVE OF GOD .....THATS ALL FOLLOW HIS COMMANDS .... PUT YOUR TRUST IN HIM ....COME ON ......YOU PUT YOUR TRUST IN YOUR JOB TO GIVE YOU A CHECK EVERY WEEK TO TWO WEEKS.... WHY YOU CANT BELEAVE IN A GOD THAT AS BEEN THERE FOR YOU WITH OUT ASKN YOU FOR NUTN.....WHEN YOU BEEN SINNING ALL THIS TIME ..HE WAKES YOU UP .... KEEPS GIVE'N YOU MORE TIME TO REALIZE THAT THERE IS BETTER BUT NOT IN THIS WORLD THAT IS SO TO BE NO MORE ....REGUARDLESS OF WHAT YOU CHOSE THERE IS GONNA BE A BREATHLESS TIME FOR EACH AND EVERYONE OF US WHEN IN THAT TIME WHEN YOU A FEW SECONDS FROM DEATH WHAT YOU DID IN YOUR LIFE TIME WILL REFLECT THROUGH YOUR MINE ...AND YOU ASK YOURSELF NOW ....AM I A TRUE FRIEND TO JESUS CHRIST AND TO HIS FATHER .....BUT BE4 YOU ANSWER THAT MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHAT A TRUE FRIEND IS ....GOD WANTS YOU EVEN IF YOU COMMETED SINS ALL SINS ARE THE SAME ....LIFE ITS SELF IS A SIN ....BUT WITH JESUS CHRIST AND GOD ARE SINS CAN BE WASHED AWAY ....PLEASE IM BEGG'N YOU STOP WHAT YOU DOING AND GET A GOOD UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT GOD WANTS FROM YOU ......GOD WANTS YOU TO LOVE AND HE WANTS TO LOVE YOU BACK ..... AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSE THE DEVIL DOESNT WANT YOU TO KNOW GOD AND WHAT HE DOES SO EVEN WHILE DOING WRONG AND NOT KNOWING GOD THE DEVIL WOULD DO ANYTHING TO LEAD YOU TO YOUR DISTRUCTION .... BUT YET YOU MIGHT BE THE TYPE ON DRUGS ...A FIGHTER OR GOING THROUGH WHAT EVER PROBLEMS BLAMING GOD OR YOU JUST MIGHT NOT KNOW HIM ...BUT WHO IS THE ONE WAKE'N YOU UP REGUARDLESS OF YOU CURSE OF LIFE GOD ....ITS JUST UP TO YOU TO FOUCES ON WHAT IS RIGHT ....THE DEVIL LEADS TO YOUR DISTURCTION BUT GOD LEADS TO EVERLASTING LIFE IN A MUCH MORE PEACEFUL PLACE WERE WHAT EVER THE DEVIL TOOK FROM YOU IS GIVING BACK IN A GODLY MATTER 100 TIMES MORE .....CHOOSE LOVE ...CHOOSE BETTER THAN ANYTHING THIS WORLD CAN GIVE YOU ...IF YOU WAS INFRONT OF TWO TABLES ONE WITH A BIBLE ..THE WORD OF GOD AND ANOTHER TABLE WITH 50 TRILLION DOLLARS WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE IF YOU WAS ALL AROUND PEOPLE OF THIS WORLD SOME THAT SAY THEY KNOW GOD BUT DONT SHOW IT ..SOME THAT FOCUS ON WORLDLY OBJECTS . SOME THAT LEAD YOU TO THE GOOD LIFE OF THIS WORLD AND ONE FRIEND THAT WANTS TO KNOW YOU ..... WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE ....YOUR ANSWER DETERMINE IF YOU IS A TRUE FRIEND OR NOT ....

HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW I HOPE YOU KEEP WRITING AND LET THE WORLD HEAR YOUR VOICE

To LOSO:

Um, not quite what I was thinking. Actually, not to throw off your beliefs and what not, but I would technically be considered an atheist. Sorry.

I was writing this more so with the idea of that paranoia everyone gets, you know? That feeling of impending doom that you get sometimes. When everything is fine, but you know it can't last, you know something is going to go horribly wrong.

I think I wrote this more so because my parents are divorced and my mom is remarrying. Also, other than that, my life was going eerily well, like something out of some lame TV sitcom. So, I don't know, I just felt that my life was going to explode at any given point and throw off all the happiness.

Anyway, I can't really remember what exactly I wrote this about, but I think it was something to that affect.

thedelphinater wrote:The cold hits you,
Like a wall.

The way you describe the cold makes it seem like the wall is hitting you, which is confusing and unrealistic; you hit walls, they don't hit you - at least not actively, as you've suggested. Change the verb so your poem doesn't start off badly.

It tears the breath
From your tortured lungs,
And leaves none left
For you to scream.

So first the cold is coming at you, and now it's taking something away from you at the same time? That dichotomy could work, I suppose, but you should try keeping the action and actor parallel. Instead of tearing, perhaps it invades your lungs, frozen molecules pushing out every ounce of breath like a vacuum? That could provide better imagery and would make more sense.

As the wind knocks you over,
You are forced to lean backwards.

Sounds too forced and technical. "You are forced etc etc" doesn't show me any kind of emotion, nor does it send me into the realm of how you must be feeling. Show your reaction to the push. Talk about the sheer plunge to the bottom, how the cold grabbed your shirt like hawks and carried you over the edge. Inflate it so that the terror of the event captures the reader.

But your legs won’t work,
And your hands realize that too late.

What do hands have to do anything with this? I'm assuming that by personifying your hands, you are pointing out that...they flap like a cartoon character as you fall? Even if that is so, don't pretend to make them seperate entities; it just sounds strange.

So you fall,
And you ache.
But the premonition was the worst,
Knowing that in seconds,
The uncaring, unforgiving ground,
Would rise up to meet you,
Grinning.

There are tense errors here. First, you are in the present, and then in the past. Choose one or else it really can throw off the flow of the poem.

The pain goes away slowly.
But fear,
It lingers for eternity.
Always lurking in the shadows,
Waiting,
Watching.

"Going away" is an incredibly weak action that describes only the bare skeleton of what's going on. Does it seep away? Stagger away? Is it pulled from you while its nails cling on to your skin, tearing you as it leaves? Show the reader.

For that patch of ice,
That will steal the air,
The words,
The energy,
The serenity,
From you.

This stanza was good until the end. Why is "from you" in its own line? The lines above it make sense because each is supposed to be emphasized on its own, and the parallelism/repetition works, but the ending is another matter. I suggest moving that up so it joins the line above it.

Hope that helped.