God's Calling

When the lights go down
and everyone goes home
who's going to hold you when it gets cold
to save you when you just might drown

is it your drugs to drift you off to hazy dream
some random guy off the street
or will you choose Me?
the one who died to set you free

please trust the plans I have for you
you know that this love I have is true
my arms are wide open and you see my bleeding wounds
my Father gave Me up for you

so trust Him as you sleep tonight
even if nothing has gone right
and you are alone tonight
rest in Him trust Him with your life

I will never leave you nor forsake you
unlike everyone else on this earth this is true

please I died for you
I didn't do it to be rebuked
I carried you 'til the end through and through

I sent my son so you wouldn't die
then why do you reject Him like a lie
He's there to comfort you so don't you cry
He's the hope to the darkness in your life

I'm holding onto you so tight
there wont be an end since for Me there is no time
let Me in you life

please you can't try life alone
I want to calm your cries in your home
daughter I'm hurting cause your dieing inside
and you feel there's no safety in time
but daughter you're not alone

I love you I love you
nothing can make me end this
I love you I love you
I'll never forsake you
unlike everyone one earth this is true

I am the Lord
please let Me hold you so close so tight
I am your Husband you shall call me forevermore
please let Me comfort you tonight
you shall want no more
for I will be with you tonight

Hullo there! Welcome to YWS. Additionally, I'm another one of your brother's far away friends. I have love for you too though, and not just by family relation. You write poetry, that's a start.

First I have to say I like the idea you're presenting because I believe in it, but it has some problems. I'll touch on those in a minute, first I want to cover the poetry basics:


1. Punctuate your poetry - this might sound silly or obvious, but you skipped it, and it's incredebly important. Punctuation shows your reader how to read, what the pauses should be like, where the sentences ends and more than anything it makes it grammatically correct. Sometimes punctuation can be omitted but I find that when you're first starting, you should use it. It helps. I love punctuation.

2. Every word counts - again this sounds obvious. Your poem is a bit length, not that long poems are bad, but every word you use should forward your theme. Don't repeat too often. Hit the message once, with as much strength as possible, and that will do more than repeating over and over and over will ever do for you. Just keep in mind the form of poetry. Being that it is so short, everything you say has to be important. Five words is a single line. If a single line is poorly written, the whole poem might suffer for it.

That's just some generally poetry stuff, now to the topic. Like I said, I like the subject, but you present it in a strange way. Let me quote some of your poem:

I sent my son so you wouldn't die
then why do you reject Him like a lie

Since you're using "you" and speaking directly to the audience, and in your poem you're telling us that we have rejected Him, this sounds incredebly, horribly, outrageously patronizing. Sorry to use so many adjectives, but that's honestly how it feels. I'm thinking, "How do you know anything about me? How do you know I've done anything? Why am I so wrong and how do you know this?" You're holding your reader by the throat, and in the bad way. You're accusing them and that's never the right way to go. Either the message of your poem needs to shift or you should not address the reader so strongly, or at all. You might think that's how your poem should be, but honestly, preaching in a poem doesn't work. Instead of accusing your readers of how they've rejected God, show them the wonders of God, and pull them in. Being threatening fails no matter what you're doing.

My second problem is that, from all I can understand, you're speaking from the point of view of Jesus. I also find this kind of threatening because all I can think is, how do you know what he would say, and why are you acting like you're him? Perhaps that is cold, but that's how I feel about it. You're holding onto a high position and talking through it, the highest position in existence. How can you claim to be able to speak words through the persona of Jesus?

Overall, I think your poem should shift from direct address and accusation, to perhaps showing and sharing the joy. Talking doesn't make a poem. You have to pull the reader in and effect them, make them think, feel, see, hear, touch, all of that. Perhaps you should read some poetry? ^_~ That always helps. Oh, and as a last note, I find the relation between God and husband to be a disturbing one - that's nothing ever made in the bible. So that's something you should most certainly change.

Best of luck! If you have any questions regarding the review feel free to bother me.

Hey! haha i'm terribly biased in this review because I'm not going to say anything bad about a Christian poem lol not like there is anything bad to say...

but anyway I liked it a lot!!!

is it your drugs to drift you off to hazy dream
some random guy off the street
or will you choose Me?
the one who died to set you free

I didn't like this stanza...the first line had too many syllables and it makes it seem we use Jesus Christ to go to sleep...at least that's the way I interpret it. xD

daughter I'm hurting cause your dieing inside

dying

you know, while I was reading this it sounded more like a song. A way to avoid what Suz said about "making every word count" is to make it lyrics instead of poetry...you can get away with it

It would be an awesome song, I guess you just have to make a chorus the second to last stanza would work. haha I would listen to it. I love Contemporary Christian music! PM me if you dare...
Great job!
- JC

Oh my gosh! I completely loved that!
THIS is the kind of poetry this messed up world needs!
I love every stanza of it, and I don't think there is anything that needs to be changed!(Besides making it longer! lol)
I say you write another one!

One thing I don't really get is that this fine piece of work is called "God's Calling"
I think it would make much better sense if you rename it "God's Message" or something like that.

Good work!

Keep Writing!

GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LIKE WHAT YOU WROTE READ THIS THO AND SEE IF YOU GET MORE OF A STORY LIKE VIBE WHEN YOU WRITE MORE.


TO SURVIVE ....TO KEEP GOING ON.... YOU WORK TO KEEP A HOME FOR U AND YOUR FAMILY ... A CAR ... OR TO PAY FOR WHAT EVER NEEDS YOU FEEL YOUR LIFE IS INTITLED TO.... SO WITH THE OPPERTUNITY THE WORLD GIVES YOU TO KEEP FOCUSING ON YOUR NEEDS YOU AGREE TO IT OR COMPLAIN ABOUT WHY LIFE IS HARD FOR YOU THROUGH WHAT EVER PROLONGS OR JUST HOLDS YOU IN THE SAME PLACE FOR ALONG PERIOD OF TIME...YOU HAVE GOD ... HE PROMISSES YOU SOMETHING THAT MONEY CANT BUY ...SOMETHING THAT NO MATTER WHAT SKIN COLOR YOU IS .... OR WERE U COME FROM U CAN OBTAIN....ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BELEAVE THAT JESUS DIED FOR ARE SINS AND HAVE THE UP MOST LOVE OF GOD .....THATS ALL FOLLOW HIS COMMANDS .... PUT YOUR TRUST IN HIM ....COME ON ......YOU PUT YOUR TRUST IN YOUR JOB TO GIVE YOU A CHECK EVERY WEEK TO TWO WEEKS.... WHY YOU CANT BELEAVE IN A GOD THAT AS BEEN THERE FOR YOU WITH OUT ASKN YOU FOR NUTN.....WHEN YOU BEEN SINNING ALL THIS TIME ..HE WAKES YOU UP .... KEEPS GIVE'N YOU MORE TIME TO REALIZE THAT THERE IS BETTER BUT NOT IN THIS WORLD THAT IS SO TO BE NO MORE ....REGUARDLESS OF WHAT YOU CHOSE THERE IS GONNA BE A BREATHLESS TIME FOR EACH AND EVERYONE OF US WHEN IN THAT TIME WHEN YOU A FEW SECONDS FROM DEATH WHAT YOU DID IN YOUR LIFE TIME WILL REFLECT THROUGH YOUR MINE ...AND YOU ASK YOURSELF NOW ....AM I A TRUE FRIEND TO JESUS CHRIST AND TO HIS FATHER .....BUT BE4 YOU ANSWER THAT MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHAT A TRUE FRIEND IS ....GOD WANTS YOU EVEN IF YOU COMMETED SINS ALL SINS ARE THE SAME ....LIFE ITS SELF IS A SIN ....BUT WITH JESUS CHRIST AND GOD ARE SINS CAN BE WASHED AWAY ....PLEASE IM BEGG'N YOU STOP WHAT YOU DOING AND GET A GOOD UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT GOD WANTS FROM YOU ......GOD WANTS YOU TO LOVE AND HE WANTS TO LOVE YOU BACK ..... AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSE THE DEVIL DOESNT WANT YOU TO KNOW GOD AND WHAT HE DOES SO EVEN WHILE DOING WRONG AND NOT KNOWING GOD THE DEVIL WOULD DO ANYTHING TO LEAD YOU TO YOUR DISTRUCTION .... BUT YET YOU MIGHT BE THE TYPE ON DRUGS ...A FIGHTER OR GOING THROUGH WHAT EVER PROBLEMS BLAMING GOD OR YOU JUST MIGHT NOT KNOW HIM ...BUT WHO IS THE ONE WAKE'N YOU UP REGUARDLESS OF YOU CURSE OF LIFE GOD ....ITS JUST UP TO YOU TO FOUCES ON WHAT IS RIGHT ....THE DEVIL LEADS TO YOUR DISTURCTION BUT GOD LEADS TO EVERLASTING LIFE IN A MUCH MORE PEACEFUL PLACE WERE WHAT EVER THE DEVIL TOOK FROM YOU IS GIVING BACK IN A GODLY MATTER 100 TIMES MORE .....CHOOSE LOVE ...CHOOSE BETTER THAN ANYTHING THIS WORLD CAN GIVE YOU ...IF YOU WAS INFRONT OF TWO TABLES ONE WITH A BIBLE ..THE WORD OF GOD AND ANOTHER TABLE WITH 50 TRILLION DOLLARS WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE IF YOU WAS ALL AROUND PEOPLE OF THIS WORLD SOME THAT SAY THEY KNOW GOD BUT DONT SHOW IT ..SOME THAT FOCUS ON WORLDLY OBJECTS . SOME THAT LEAD YOU TO THE GOOD LIFE OF THIS WORLD AND ONE FRIEND THAT WANTS TO KNOW YOU ..... WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE ....YOUR ANSWER DETERMINE IF YOU IS A TRUE FRIEND OR NOT ....

WHAT FEELING DO YOU GET WHEN YOU READ THIS ...