Moth

Mrs. Moth, you are
So beautiful. Your tender, smooth
Skin is like temptation on the wing.
Your large, dark eyes draw me
And your long, pale waif-like legs are poised
And still.

Mrs. Moth, where is your other half,
Astaroth? Ah, you have shifted angle.
Mrs. Moth, you delight me.
The sight of you sends me into a tizzy –
The way your torso or your
Abdomen grows slender, slender still –
The curve of your thorax is eternal.
There is an air of charm as you
Sit naked on the side of my bookshelf.

You are fair, my dear- fairly greyish brown
Like a Caribbean dancer, bathed in ashes.
I see glowing embers
Of attachment, of desire,
In those large, black, empty eyes.
How can I resist you?
Why do you persist?
Do you like books?

You sit beside
Campbell’s "The Hero with a Thousand Faces",
Nassim Taleb’s "The Black Swan"
And "The Great Works of Somerset Maugham".
You are an enigma –
Why do you deny your involvement
With my world?


Mrs. Moth, beloved, large being,
The frightening size of my thumb,
My index, and middle fingers
Combined, I point to you,
And I ask you why
You should enter my bedroom.
I am vulnerable to your charm –
You make me feel old and guilty,
And weak and fallen and reeling.
I swish my pillow left and right
So I can send some wind
And my regards in your direction.
But you are very big and developed.
And I cannot help but stare at your
Demonic waxen wings and wonder
What I have come to.

please forgive me for my naivety as this is my first ever review and am not skilled in the art of critique. i enjoyed this poem and found the concept interesting and captivating. I know too little about poetry to comment on any technical aspects but i found it flowed well. i personally found it a little bit too knowingly pretentious; by that i mean it was almost as if you were trying to show off your intelligence. enjoyable though.

This is lovely and a bit confusing. Is it really about a moth? In the first stanza, I though you were talking about a woman, and just comparing her to a moth. But then it seems like you are actually talking about a moth. ?

Mrs Moth, where is your other half,

Astaroth? Ah, you have shifted angle.

Mrs Moth, you delight me,

The sight of you sends me into a tizzy –

Astaroth? What is that? I love the line "Ah, you have shifted angle." And I just don't like the word tizzy. Sorry.

I love the entire last stanza, especially the part about "sending some wind and my regards in your direction." that's a well-constructed phrase.

Is being attracted to the moth a metaphor for something else entirely? Sorry. This crit is nitpicky and not very helpful. It's a beautiful poem with strong imagery, but I think the meaning is still hidden within the poet. But that's what writing's about.

PM me if this made no sense. : )

rachel

Palantalid, I am genuinely impressed. This is stunning. And I say that rarely, trust me.


This first thing I want to point out is that you need to make sure you capitalize every line, since that is the general trend in the piece. You can’t just leave a line here or there uncapitalized if the rest are.

Now a few little picky punctuation things:

You need to punctuate “Mrs” properly, you can’t omit the period.

Mrs Moth, you delight me,

That comma should be a period.

You are fair, my dear, fairly greyish brown,

The comma, after “my dear,” should actually be a dash or a colon. Just definitely not a comma.
And, actually, you can also get rid of the comma after “brown.”
So, it should be: “You are fair, my dear—fairly grayish brown / Like a Caribbean dancer, bathed in ashes.”

Mrs. Moth, beloved, large being,
The frightening size of my thumb,
My index and middle fingers
Combined, I point to you
And I ask you why
You should enter my bedroom.

Since the whole sentence is rather long, I think it will be clearer if you have a comma after “I point to you.”
There should also be a comma after “index.” It is a list. “My thumb, my index, and middle fingers”

The way your torso or your
abdomen grows slender, slender still –

“Slender, slender still” doesn’t sound quite right. Maybe you meant something like, “slender, and more slender still” or something like that? Or maybe not. But something about that sentence structure isn’t correct.

The sight of you sends me into a tizzy –

For some reason, the word ‘tizzy’ doesn’t seem like it has the right flavor for this sentence. If I just looked at it, and looked at the piece, I would probably think it would fit. But somehow it’s wrong for this sentence.

How can I resist you?
Why do you persist?
Do you like books?
You sit beside
Campbell’s "The Hero with a Thousand Faces",
Nassim Taleb’s "The Black Swan"
And "The Great Works of Somerset Maugham".
You are an enigma –
Why do you deny your involvement
With my world?

For this stanza, or at least this part of the stanza, I actually think it might be better if there was a split at the line, “Do you like books?” It would happen either above or below that line. Because, the line ‘do you like books’ fits with the lines above it and below it, so it could go with either one if they were separated into two stanzas. But I feel as though the lines after it—“You sit beside / Campbell’s ‘The Hero with a Thousand Faces’/Nassim Taleb’s” etc.—don’t fit with the lines above.

So again,
either:
“You are fair, my dear, fairly greyish brown,
Like a Caribbean dancer, bathed in ashes.
I see glowing embers
of attachment, of desire,
in those large, black, empty eyes.
How can I resist you?
Why do you persist?
Do you like books?

You sit beside
Campbell’s "The Hero with a Thousand Faces",
Nassim Taleb’s "The Black Swan"
And "The Great Works of Somerset Maugham".
You are an enigma –
Why do you deny your involvement
With my world?”

or

“You are fair, my dear, fairly greyish brown,
Like a Caribbean dancer, bathed in ashes.
I see glowing embers
of attachment, of desire,
in those large, black, empty eyes.
How can I resist you?
Why do you persist?

Do you like books?
You sit beside
Campbell’s "The Hero with a Thousand Faces",
Nassim Taleb’s "The Black Swan"
And "The Great Works of Somerset Maugham".
You are an enigma –
Why do you deny your involvement
With my world?”

would sound better, I think.




I honestly loved this. It’s been a long time. Thank you.
Anytime you want a review, don’t hesitate to PM me, or post in my ‘Will review for food’ thread.


Regards,
Adna

I thought this was a beautiful, touching poem. I loved how the moth is the older, wiser person, a "Mrs". At first when I scanned the poem I thought I wouldn't be able to make it to the bottom, it looked so long, but I was utterly captivated and just about every word belongs. I don't know what I can suggest--the skill level is high above my own. One thing I noticed when reading the reviews other people left is that someone corrected "Mrs", saying it should be "Mrs." with a period. That is true in the States but not true in Britain, so if it's out in the unclaimed Internet territory it can be written either way, I believe. Also, when listing three items, like "peas, carrots, and corn", the second comma is in fact optional; it used to be required but is no longer.
Sorry I'm no help. I absolutely loved the piece. Thank you for creating it.
-BFG