Last edited by Sofiel on Fri Jun 27, 2008 10:48 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Toby: "Of COURSE I wrote a concession. What - you want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high a top the thing?"
Sam: "...No"
Toby: "Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What the hell is the matter with you?!"
The separation of those words doesn't make sense. Or any of the others.
- Yes, blood and war go hand in hand. As do cliches and poems which get very few reviews. Come up with something more insightful there.
- The promise of tomorrow becoming the enemy is the best sentiment of the whole poem. Restructure the poem around this.
- I'm not sure why the rain is red. Oh, it is blood. Blood, Shed. The problem isn't that this is unclear, it's that it is clearly nonsensical.
I like your form here, and there is an echo of a style which I also enjoy. If you take off those words at the ends of your stanzas, I think you will already find improvement. Have a clear idea of what you want the reader to experience, and write with that experience in mind.
You'd be astonished at the intimate stories, hidden struggles, and heartfelt dreams that people are willing to reveal if only they find someone who'll truly listen. — Arcticus
