Poem

Poem

There is nothing
you can find
in the claustrophobia
of life
that is

so immortal,
so invincible,
so intimate,

as the vault that
veils the treasure of
your imagination.

So true! I love this poem! The only thing that didn't flow well for me (the rest went beautifully!) was the third line, but that could just be a matter of opinion. Excellent job!
-Sometimes-

Very nice job kid. The thing is it did not flow all that well. just tweak it a little and it will be great.

Haha. Surprisingly good snippet.

However I think you should develop this further into something bigger than that to give the true title of 'poem'. I just seems to leave the reader going...huh- that's it? If you catch my drift?

Oh and while I still remember- I think the first stansa lacks punch.

There is nothing
you can find
in the claustrophobia
of life
that is (expand, make it more gripping. The begining of a poem shouldnt start like a sigh- moreover the poet taking a great heaving breath- and the reading wondering...what are they going to say?)

Maybe this will help. Maybe it won't.

But I enjoyed reading it.

Best wishes,

Eimear

'Lo Gahks,

I rather like fragments--or poetry so brief as to leave doors open and minds meandering. When it comes to full-description, or exploring an idea through depth and out again, length is necessary.

In this, you've got the length of a fragment, but the decision, the telling of something lengthier. You've told a neat truth in brief words with line breaks.

Naturally, that in itself doesn't make poetry. ^_^

Show imagination's vault, tell it like a story--and keep it brief as this, if you like.

As it is, there's something too trite in its telling. I'm quite fond of the first image--life's claustrophobia.

Er, but then you have a vault that's meant to veil--vaults are doubtless open spaces, yes? And though it alliterates, it hits contradiction. And then you tell--'tis invincible. 'Tis intimate. Oy, but how so? Is it close? Are its arches inward turning, pressing down? Are the shadows in the corners like Peter Pan's?

Pardon me if I meander. But ach, I think you've an idea here, solid--and poetry, faint.

Try rewriting with images rather than adjectives. And I'd love to see it done as concise as it is currently. The fewer the words, sometimes, the more affecting the poem. But they've got to be bloody well-considered words. ^_^




IMP [courtesy of the Cabassi]