Acrostic Thingie

[pre]Start the score, it's the first act
Take up your roles to enact
On the stage we dance and sing
Pretend to be the real thing

Handed out lines are prison chains
Ahead just remembrance remains
Memories of a time long past
Memories forgotten too fast
Every day is now a replay
Replay of another day

The curtains come down at last
It's time to bring back the cast
Morbidly bow the goodbye
End the show, let it die[/pre]

Handed out lines are prison chains

-- i didn't really get the sense that this was going to be a poem with a morbid feel. You might want to try and change your first stanzas to have more negative connatations i.e. since pretending is usually fun you want to make it seem like it's not

I liked the replay line, very clever

Other than that, very good! I really liked it. Just try and make it feel negative from the start. Good Luck!

pyro - I see you're new here. Maybe you skipped the Rules? I just want to remind you that YWS requests that you do TWO critiques before posting your own work. So get critiquing! If you have any questions, please private message a moderator (dark green names) or junior mod (light green).

-Colleen

Oh so that's how you see if they've reviewed or not.
*back to subject*

I think it pritty cool how you described a play, right?

I also didn't get the thing about handed out lines.

Um... good length. The acrostic is over all good.

As an actress, I can completly relate to this poem, especially that last line: "End the show, let it die." Those are my feelings at the end of every school production I do.

The only problem I have with the poem is the organization. The couplets are currently organized in a 4/6/4 manner, but they would be better as a 4/4/4/4 to keep it even. I really like the replay lines, so keep those. Just add another couplet before or after them.

...does no one get this?

Yeah, leparapluie, "STOP HAMM MMER TIME" would really work.

1: Same as Cade said. You need to review something twice. Trust me, it gets easier with time. I have about a 6:1 ratio of things critiqued to things posted now. EDIT: Make that 11:1. XD

2: This was pretty good for an acrostic, it flowed pretty well. The major problem I spotted, though, was the fact that "STOP HAMMER TIME" had just about nothing to do with the poem, which is how acrostics are usually supposed to work, the theme being the message in the initials. It was about stage plays (and the agony of them), correct? And Stop, Hammer Time is about Stop, Hammer Time, right? I relate to both. Now go do your two critiques.

Love this poem, this could have some puntuation to make it flow better. Other than that, I really like this acrostic, it's very beautifully written. Can't wait to see some more work by ya.

Overall: This earns a star.

Good luck
VSN