Young Writers Society

People surround me.
I'm suffocating in this crowd,
I feel so unwanted.
I'm the black cloud.

They keep to themselves,
No one cares.
That would bring me down,
But I'm already there.

I just sit in a corner,
Not bothering to stand.
I'm stuck in this position
And I need a hand.

But no one will help me,
I'll never be free.
Not one drop of pity
Will ever come to me.

I'm dark and dull,
I cry everyone's tears.
Everyone ignores me
As if I'm not here.

Others are tired,
Some people are leaving.
But I remain,
Hardly believing..

That people surround me.
I'm suffocating in this crowd,
Still I feel so unwanted.

I'm the black cloud.

I liked the bit about "that would bring me down, but I'm already there"

The dark cloud image fits pretty well. I feel like the beginning is a little too passive "everyone is", "I am"... maybe there are some better verbs that can describe this feeling of alienation... everyone passes by, i linger...

something like that? then again, maybe this passive voice supports the subject, so it's up to you.

I did like the repetition in the end, it really pulled it all together.

Thanks sweetcapris, I knew I needed to change something....how's it now, do you think?

oh, yeah. That's better :]

Ooh I liked this. "I am the black cloud". Love this saying! Great job.

Cat... we have many phrases for this type of poetry. 'Poor me', 'Angst' and 'Navelgazing' Not only do you tell us all. You bore us by the first few lines as ya give us no reason to care. If a line or important put it in italics don't blinking underline it. You use no worth while langauge techniques only choosing to tell us rather than show.

Rather than keep us intrested, you bore us by droning on about your life. No offence but you give us no real reason to care.

Overall: You should read some poetry on here and learn not tell us but show the misery. But really this poetry so overdone I'd choose a different theme.

Good luck
VSN