Young Writers Society

Fly on the wings of an angel, come sit at my feet,
as you sing on, your melody so sweet.
Every note you sing here casts its spell,
for you've the voice of an angel.
The power you've earned is to fill each heart
with a passionate desire never to part.
They dance upon a stream of sound,
and soon as they follow they'll never be found.
And they will follow, not knowing as they dance,
they're bound in chains. It won't break their trance.
So beautiful it hurts, your voice can be equated
with the golden chains 'round their ankles, unnoticed.
With a sense of good fortune, I say a prayer
that the gods keep you in their care
while you are here, that you may stay,
and, unaware of me, bring more within your sway.

not too bad. But I see alot of angel poems. Perhaps your next one can be something really different?

Hi Adna!


“as you sing on, your melodies so sweet.”

- Does this indicate one melody or more? It was slightly confusing.


“Every note you sing here casts its spell.
After the toll of the bell, you've the voice of an angel. “

- Oooh, not so sure about the rhyme here, “angel” and “spell” are what I think are called slant rhymes, it still works, but with “bell” early on in that line, it seems rather odd. I would suggest taking out the first part of the second line – you don’t reference a bell again, and it’s not needed here – and alter the rest of the line to something like “it’s you, that voice of an angel”.


“The power you've earned is to fill each heart
with a passionate desire never to part”

- The rhyme is fine, but the meter isn’t. Too many syllables all and all, here. I would suggest something like “… earned, filling each heart/ a passionate desire, never to part”


“from you, and serve you well. “

- Whoa, breaking from the rhyme scheme! Also, the line itself isn’t needed. It does change the meaning a little, but I think it sounds better without the line.


“They dance upon a stream of sound,
and as soon as they follow they'll never again be found.”

- Another long line here, too long. Perhaps alter the line to something like “soon they follow, never to be found”. The question also comes, who are “they”? You’ve made no reference to others before this line, and you don’t explain it very much afterwards.


And they will follow, not knowing as they dance,
they're bound in chains. It won't break their trance.

- What is “it” – I think you mean the voice? – I like the rhyme here.


"So beautiful it hurts, your voice can be equated
with the chains 'round their ankles, unnoticed
but for their golden hue."

- You’ve lost the rhyme again. I’m now unsure if this was on purpose. In any case it isn’t working. The rhyme was going okay, not too taxing, deviating from that so suddenly is noticeable and detracts from the poem. Again, we don’t know who “they” are, although I’m getting a better feel for it.


“With a sense of good fortune, I say a prayer
that the gods keep you in their care
while you are here, that you may stay,
and unaware, for me, bring more within your sway.”

- Hrm. I think maybe you want to make that second line a full stop instead of a comma, so the next lines are separate. And I would suggest a rearrangement of your last lines to “while you are here, I hope you may stay/and, unaware of me, bring more beneath your sway.”


Okay, so that was long. xD I do actually like the poem, it’s sweet but suggestive and had delightful undertones. I also love some of your imagery here. The suggestions and rearrangements I’ve made are merely contemplative, feel free to disagree and go your own way, they’re merely suggestions. ^^

All in all, I like this. ^^ Any questions, Pm me, or find me in chat, and I’ll be happy to answer them. Also, if you do alter this, send me a Pm, I’d love to see it. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hi Adna

Beautiful work...

A few things

I don't quite understand what the bell has to do with the voice being beautiful.

After the toll of the bell, you've the voice of an angel.

Lovely imagery

They dance upon a stream of sound

This doesn't seem to flow as smoothly as the other lines.

they're bound in chains. It won't break their trance.

Too short maybe?

but for their golden hue.

But overall, I got wonderful images from this poem

Peace V

Thanks everybody:)

Pengu - I love the long review! It was great!
Did you figure out who 'they' were by the end? I just want to make sure it's clear enough in the poem. They're listeners.

The 'it' is actually the chains on their ankles, or rather, the knowledge of the chains.

Would the non-rhyming lines work if I separated this into verses, and broke them up after the non-rhyming lines, like this?

Adnamarine wrote:The power you've earned is to fill each heart
with a passionate desire never to part
from you and serve you well.

They dance upon your stream of sound,
and soon as they follow they'll never be found.
And they will follow, not knowing as they dance,
they're bound in chains. It won't break their trance.
So beautiful it hurts, your voice can be equated
with the chains 'round their ankles, unnoticed
but for their golden hue.

With a sense of good fortune... blah blah, and so on.

Would that work, do you think? Or is it better just to take them out like I did?

Is the rhyme between 'equated' and 'unnoticed' workable? or do I definitely need to change it?

All in all were my changes affective?

Again, thanks for all the input.

*adna*

Hi Adna,

I really enjoyed reading this. You have some wonderful images and have created a very sweet poem.

I had the same problems with it as Pengu basically. I didn't get what the 'it' here means:

they're bound in chains. It won't break their trance.

And I didn't understand that with 'they' you were referring to the listeners. But maybe that's cause I'm tired?

Anyway, once I'd gotten those things straight I really enjoyed your poem. Beautiful images.

Maybe you should make your referrences clearer.

Sorry, that's all the advice I've got.

All the best,
~Kalliope

sounds more like song than a poem, but sometimes theres no difference. kinda like Don Mclean's "Vincent" (i.e. it sounds like a poem, but its a song) the subject is totally unrelated, but the way its worded is similar(at least i think so)

Very good. It was sweet and easy to read. Good job.