Free

Wild and free,
like a bird of the tree.
Like a wild young horse,
dancing ‘cross the fields.
Like a breath of wind,
dancing ‘cross the sky.
Like a bright wildflower,
burning with passion,
gone in an instant,
remembered forever.

Overall I like this poem.
It has a nice flow to it, although there's a couple of things I am unsure about...
You start with rhyme in the first two lines but this doesn't continue?
And I'm not sure about the repetition of "dancing", I think perhaps it would be better if there wasn't the repetition there at all..

But I do like the description that you have given.

Hey, God!

I've not seen you around before, so. *tips hat*

I'm going to treat this poem as a starting point. Why? It's short, sweet, and isn't worth improving--so instead, I'll focus on tips for the future. Sound good?

- Make sure you begin with a point in mind. This has been my recent goal; if you have something in mind to say, putting it down on paper will be a lot easier and more eloquent. In this poem, you didn't have a point, and so we got a bunch of metaphors, but came away with nothing. Kind of like chick lit--it was nice while I was reading it,but there's nothing in particular I'll remember about the language or the content.

- Avoid rhyming unless you're prepared to spend eight million years perfecting it. If you like the way rhyming says, practice with less-obvious schemes, and then rhyme throughout the poem or not at all.

- You're a writer, so likely you're pretty weird and see the world a lot differently from most people. Use this to your advantage when you're playing with language and metaphor in your poetry. What do you see that others do not? Be original, and your poetry will be much more interesting to read.

Good luck, God! Feel free to poke me if you have any questions or want me to take a look at something else. ^_^

God wrote:Wild and free,
like a bird of the tree.
Like a wild young horse,
dancing ‘cross the fields.
Like a breath of wind,
dancing ‘cross the sky.
Like a bright wildflower,
burning with passion,
gone in an instant,
remembered forever.

I love the rhythem to this. It's very mellow. The only problem I see is repition of uneeded dancing, choose another verb there. Overall: This earns a star, but I seriously doubt your God . But the natrualness of this grabs me.

Good luck
VSN

----------------
Listening to: Gogol Bordello - Shy Kind of Guy
via FoxyTunes

God! *prays*

Lol, sorry couldn't resist.

About the poem - very, very nice. Like V said, mellow. Calming...smooth.

I do have a small problem with how 'common' these things are...slightly cliche...

Wild and free...

wild young horse...

breath of wind,...

But I love the last 2 lines :

gone in an instant,
remembered forever.

These were great. Overall, its really nice work

Peace V

thanks all, as a comment though, this is NOT my first poem, nor my first one ive posted, ive also posted 2 or 3 others, as well as a short story, and i disdain the fact that you think its not worth perfecting. i noticed the most commonly cited problem was the repetition of "dancing" so any ideas on what should go there instead?

This is simple, yes. Too simple. This is good if you're turning it in for a middle school English project, but if that's not your aim here, it's going to require a lot of work. As Sam said, this might work for a starting point. It needs more substance--and a more original subject (or at least a more original approach to this sadly overused subject) wouldn't be amiss.

good point, yes... but it was a spur of the moment poem, (i know i sound like im making excuses for it.) and i disagree about your "middle school english" comment, i think that middle school (or any other school) english deserves as much effort as anything else.

It's kind of a repetitive poem. No offense, but those types of poems drive me insane.

God wrote:Wild and free,
like a bird of the tree. [I don't think this should rhyme. It immediately turned me off from it, and you didn't continue throughout the whole poem.]
Like a wild young horse,
dancing ‘cross the fields. [I personally love horses, so I may look into this line way too much. ;P Horses can be used so much more effectively. You could say something about their strength or beauty here, not dancing in fields. Besides, you say 'dance' in the next one, so I don't think you should use the same thing.]
Like a breath of wind,
dancing ‘cross the sky. [I don't like the repitition of 'cross.]
Like a bright wildflower,
burning with passion, [I think this should be a period...?]
gone in an instant,
remembered forever.

Overall, it is nice, but there's no point to it. I spent about five minute trying to come up with what it's about, but came up with nothing. Come up with a theme, and then you can weave some of these lines into it.

Good start.

(Oh, and I think the middle school comment was because, which you SHOULD try just as hard, they accept anything.)

PM me with any questions, or if you'd like me to review anything else of yours; I'm MUCH better with fiction. (And trying to get another star, so really, PM me! )

~JFW1415

I kinda liked this poem. Simple, smooth, and to the point. Good.

I didn't like how this poem started with a rhyme and then went on as if it was never there. In poems it will do you well to be consistent and to not change the pace of the piece.

i think not. that is something ive always done, i will rhyme, with only one, or two of the lines, but not in the rest, it gives it an identity of me. so if you dont like it, dont read it. and for the person who likes horses, this IS NOT A POEM ABOUT HORSES. if it were, i would. but it is not, so i won't.

repetative, yes, i do that alot too, the only thing about that is, i dont mean to... or if i do, i dont mind changing it. hmmmph, thanks all for the comments.

Excellent job on the rhythm, God. My problem is, that I don't see what the meaning behind this poem is. Try to extend this a bit and add more details into this piece. Other than that, good work. I hope this helps!

-Rick.