This is too short to be a poem... Not to say that poetry can't be short; but I also have to be able to understand it. I kind of get it, but even then, it doesn't make much of a poem.
Good ways to improve poetry: read poetry. Try it! There are some really amazing poets out there, and you can learn a lot more from reading poetry than you will from me rambling you. Longfellow is amazing.
Good luck! If you have any questions, or if you would like me to help you with poetry (I'm not that good but I can still help you out!) feel free to Pm me.
EDIT: well, I'm confused? When I posted my critique, the poem was something else, now that I've posted my critique, it's something entirely different... Don't confuse your critics @_@
In any case: this also isn't poetry. It's more like a blog rant, which should be kept to blogs.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
You are far over your head posting here if this is an example of your work.
I'd suggest that you consider future posting at some other site like www.writing.com. That site is probably better structured to provide the kind of resources you're looking for.
The problem in posting material of this quality at the YWS is that there's nothing in it to interest the readers here. It winds up being a waste of both your time and ours.
Seriously, take a look at Writing.com.
Best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
I agree with tose 'uns in dark green up there.
Poetry can be short - but then you need to condense your ideas into a couple sentences while still keeping them interesting. This seems like the kind of thing you'd post in your blog...
Anyways. If you're going to continue this, make it longer and add more imagery and emotion. I don't know if this applies for poetry as well as writing, but: Show, don't tell. Also, there isn't really grammatical rules for poetry, but it might be good if you use proper punctuation. Capitalize your I's, spell properly, etc.
Good luck!
-Ayra
As it is now, I don't think that this is any good at all. However, I think the idea has some potential. I am a great fan of short poetry, and of writing about boring, normal, day-to-day sorts of things. I also know how stressful it can be when you've got to worry about your grades. All of these things could be worked into quite an interesting little poem about English class.
Unfortunately, you failed to do any of that. This, as it is, is just ... blah. It sounds more like one of my patent two second LJ entries than a poem. It needs something to give it a spark, something that makes it interesting. I second Suzanne: read more poetry. Not just poetry here (though we have some excellent poets), but in books and whatnot. Try playing around with your words. A poem like this needs a strong narrator, and a strong point.
What do you want the reader to feel when they read this? Is it supposed to make us remember waiting anxiously for report cards, or being disappointed when we got a bad grade, or the constant worry about failing our class? Are we supposed to laugh, like "thank God that's over!" or are we supposed to cringe like "I remember that! it was horrible!" These are all things to keep in mind when you go back and rewrite this.
I recognized that your poem was a haiku, aka why it was so short, but if you're going to post a haiku post a group of them. Seeing as they're short, they can't have too much substance no matter how hard you try, but if you have a group of haikus that have to do with each other people will be more likely to read them. Just a suggestion.
I agree with Lini. When you post haikus it would be alot better to post a group of them instaed of just one. Don't listen to people who say your work is bad. I actually favored this poem.
:3 Kitty
A room without books is as a body without a soul.
---Cicero
Okay taking into account that this was a haiku! (Didn't know that before) its actually rather clever, you just need to fix the puncuation and grammer a little bit and then put the fact that it was a haiku in there, or put a bunch together. Just so we know its a poem and not something really random!
its a haiku! gosh it has a certain structure a certain format. learn your poetry people. i post cuz i love to write. don't like my work don't read it. i am pleased with all my work lame or not. i atleast show it for me.
"I am the darkness that dwells inside of my heart."
I'm glad you mentioned that it was a haiku. But i still don't like it very much. I have read many good haiku's and this isn't one of them. Sorry, but i had to say it. Maybe if you had some more time with it i believe it would have been good. Anyway, good luck and best wishes!
Okay, first, if its a haiku, SAY THAT! at the beginning so you don't end up with a bunch of people thinking that you just don't know how to write.
Second, a good haiku isn't just a certain number of syllables, it has to have feeling and imagery just like a longer poem. You can't just plug the words into the format and expect to get a warm reception.
Third, please refrain from insulting people if they give you a bad critique. I'd hope that most members here have read at least a little poetry (aka know poetry) and if you post here you need to be open to all kinds of criticism, good and bad.
"Just saying none of us want to conquer the world won't stop some other idiot from trying."
~Liberty and Justice, by Paul Dini
