Bathtub Musings

Bathtub Musings

Mountains and valleys
of crackling white bubbles.
I break off an island,
and begin to sculpt,
shaping it into a heart.
Harder than it looks,
I concentrate.

I finish and stare at it.
Blank thoughts
run through my head.
It doesn't look right,
somehow....

This time I'm subtracting,
slowly scopping out
the innocent bubbles
from the center of the heart.

I don't stop until there's
a small round window,
looking through the water.
I reach under
until I can see my hand.

It comes up through the hole,
and I imagine it's a flower.
I see it's sillhouette in my head,
but then it's only an ugly hand.

And the sad thing is,
I know that,
this represents my life somehow.

The fizzling sound of
bubbles popping,
fill my ears,
as my hands crash through the
mountains and valleys
of crackling white bubbles.

This is a very good poem but a few things seemed off to me. The comparison between the bubbles and this person's life seemed to obscure; I would just stick with feeling the bubbles in his or her hands, playing with them, either that or elaborate on why this resembles his or her life. Keep writing.

Hey there Yoha. ^^

Hokay, I think your main problem is the structure. You lose rhythm through the length of your lines, seperating them when they don't need to be. When you read it through it becomes difficult and disjointed, which detracts from your poem.

I'm not sure I like your last Stanza with the repetition. It seems a handful to read and to consider. Although it does bring about a great image, I think perhaps you could talk about them and maybe the waves of water a little? Them being the peaks of crumbling foam. ^^

I like the level of description in this. How simple and clean it is. I think you've done well there. I also like the meaning behind it, although I think you could perhaps expand on that one stanza a little... or re-word it. It seems out of place as it is.

All that said, I do quite like this. Nice work. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

i like it its a very good poem....keep up the good work ^_^

First of all, I love the title. It really set the mood for the poem.

Now on to the poem, I felt that it could have been a fantastic poem. However, their were a few 'bumps' that hindered it. For example, the new element that being your introduction of the speaker's 'fussed' biography put a speed bump in the great lines you layed. It was an even bigger bump because you lacked embellishment on the new element.

Overall, it was a very cute poem. Which I consider a compliment. So many poems I've read on these poems are very depressing to the point it ruins any chances for the poem. So, kudos to you for shifting gears.

Keep writing. I feel that you have a great poem within you.

I liked it.
The comparison is a bit odd but in a way it fits.
I can picture the hand shooting threw the window in the bubble heart.
Transforming into a flower ( a rose maybe).
Then the picture fades and all is left is the plain hand.
The hand comes down and destroys the image and bubble formation.

Just like life endless memories/ hardships that can in an instant be gone.

*Well that's what I got from it.

Hey, I really like this. I like the imagery.

I love the last stanza, it just makes the whole idea come together, that it was really just about musings in a bathtub.

Nice one.