Be My Anti-Valentine

[Prompt was "write a poem about how you feel about valentine's day". Hopefully my message is clear. This is due on, when else, Valentine's Day.

2/14/08: sent it in last night. cross your fingers!]


Paper hearts and lovers swooning,
The scent of candies fill the air;
The single people sit there brooding,
Longing for love that is not there.

Heartfelt colors, red and pink,
Make lovers cuddle nearer;
Loners stand alone and think,
"The message can't be clearer."

Red balloons and white stuffed bears,
Making single people shudder;
More reasons for the awkward stares
Of people locked onto their "others".

But, single people, do not fret,
For something happens soon!
Take pride, for it is a sure bet
That their love is just lampoon.

The paper shreds, the bears wear out,
And even heart balloons deflate,
And soon the loners all will shout:
"The day of love now turns to hate!"

Be patient, all you lonely men,
And lonely women close beside.
Your time will come, but until then,
Be still, and wait: Fate will provide.

Awwh. That was really nice. Almost lyrical.

Ok, there was only one line that didn't flow because I think there too many/less syllables in it.

Make lovers cuddle ever nearer;

I would try and find a different line for that. I don't know what you would put, it's just that I read this aloud and this line didn't fit.

Great job! This was a really fantastic poem. Very powerful too.

I wish I had something more to critique, but I'm all out. All in all, wonderful. Amazing. Sure to get an A+

BBB

It was definately a sound piece of work, and I can't really find any real faults with it, it just didn't dazzle me, I don't know why.

One thing though:

Flemzo wrote:"The message couldn't be more clear."

This is the one line that didn't perfectly rhyme. Maybe if you changed it to something like, "The message couldn't be any clearer." The rythm of that isn't as good, but it's better than having a random stray word out of all the other perfect rhymes.

But all in all, no real critiques other than that. Good job


*adna*

Title: The message is clear (I dunno...you choose if you like it XD)

I can't say much about the poem, I have no clue what makes a good poem so just listen to bigbad and marine XD

I like it, though ^.^

--meow

[quote="Flemzo"][i][Prompt was "write a poem about how you feel about valentine's day". Hopefully my message is clear. Any help on a title would be great. This is due on, when else, Valentine's Day.][/i]


Paper hearts and lovers swooning,
The scent of candies fill the air;
The single people sit there brooding,
Longing for love that is not there.

Heartfelt colors, red and pink,
Make lovers cuddle ever nearer;
Loners stand alone and think,
"The message couldn't be more clear."

Red balloons and white stuffed bears,
Making single people shudder;
More reasons for the awkward stares
Of people locked onto their "others".

But, single people, do not fret,
For somethings happens very soon!
Take pride, for it is a sure bet
That their love will be just lampoon.

The paper shreds, the bears wear out,
And even heart balloons deflate,
And soon the loners all will shout:
"The day of love now turns to hate!"

Be patient, all you lonely men,
And lonely women close beside.
Your time will come, but as for now,
Be still, and wait: Fate will provide.[/quote]

If you want it to rhyme make sure it stays the same kind of rhyme scheme throughout the poem.

Good luck ps I like your poem. SimonCowellLuver

Heyhey, I called in just to have a quick little read....but I got hooked and felt obliged to offer a (albeit seriously lame) title for your poem.

I don't have many crits, perhaps just to make sure your rhyming scheme is up to scratch so that your voice shines through, so to speak.

*Ponders....rummages round in head full of useless information....

How about,

'For the Love today'

You can laugh now, lol. But I do like to help.

Great work,

Eimearxx

Thanks for the crits. I realized that I should've proofread for rhymes along with misspellings and stuff. Should be much better now.

I like the approach you've taken, and your rhyme is very good. I think some of yoru rhythm is a little off though. Maybe try reading it aloud so that you can get a better sense of how it sounds. I think I'd try;

"Paper hearts and lovers swooning,
scent of candies fill the air;
single people sit there brooding,
And long for love that is not there."

for the first stanza.

"Heartfelt colors, red and pink,
Make lovers cuddle ever nearer;
Loners stand alone and think,
"The message couldn't be more clear."

Something is irking me about the last line here...I think its that I want to read it as "clearer" so that it's a full rhyme, and naturally, "more clearer" sounds bad. I think this stanza is a bit weak, and, in actual fact, I'm not quite sure you need it. Maybe try ommiting it.

"Red balloons and white stuffed bears,
Making single people shudder;
More reasons for the awkward stares
Of people locked onto their "others". "

I'd definetely change the last line here as I think it's a bit awkward and forced. I might change the third too, but it's not essential. I think you're saying the same thing over and over again. You've used four stanzas to say "all the hype and expressions of love, commercial or otherwise, of Valentine's day, is hard on single people." Try introducing another aspect.

"But, single people, do not fret,
For somethings happens very soon!
Take pride, for it is a sure bet
That their love will be just lampoon."

I liked the first line here, it was a good bridge to the next part of the poem. I think it gets weaker from here though. I think I'd rewrite the verse, keeping the first line.

The last two stanzas were very good, and concluded the poem nicely.

Hope this helps.

Jas

I like this a lot! The rhyming was pretty good. A little off in places, but I'm no expert in that, so I have no suggestions. The one thing that really buggeed me though was the over use of "sinlge people." It just got really annoying. For example, I would repalce one of them with "lonely people" maybe. Or something else along those lines. But until then, this is a really nice poem! It very nicely matches my current take on Valentine's Day, being a single person myself. ^_^ Great work! Good luck with the contest!

~Yoyo

PS-Happy Valentine's Day!

Paper hearts and lovers swooning,
The scent of candies fill the air;
The single people sit there brooding,
Longing for love that is not there.

I agree with this completly! This Valantine's Day for the cynics and the realists in the world. I'm anti- Valentine's Day. There is no point to crying over something that you might have to wait for.

Heartfelt colors, red and pink,
Make lovers cuddle nearer;
Loners stand alone and think,
"The message can't be clearer."

PDA!!! It annoys us singles. Those type of couples should just get a room!

Red balloons and white stuffed bears,
Making single people shudder;
More reasons for the awkward stares
Of people locked onto their "others".

Single people keep hope alive!! We should start a singles movement! Our time will come!

But, single people, do not fret,
For something happens soon!
Take pride, for it is a sure bet
That their love is just lampoon.

There will be a time for us singles! Couples now are just breaking and going out just to go out, no need to subject yourself to that.

The paper shreds, the bears wear out,
And even heart balloons deflate,
And soon the loners all will shout:
"The day of love now turns to hate!"

Be patient, all you lonely men,
And lonely women close beside.
Your time will come, but until then,
Be still, and wait: Fate will provide.

Amen, brother! I hate it when people are like where's my boyfriend/girlfriend? They should just wait and enjoy life. This poem makes me want to jump out my seat and say,"yeah."

Interesting poem. I like the perspective, although I'm sad to say my Daddy would too. (anti-relationship before 35 much?), but your poem's just really good. Although you do seem to be subconsciously chanelling some angst. ^_^

Pickle810 wrote:Interesting poem. I like the perspective, although I'm sad to say my Daddy would too. (anti-relationship before 35 much?), but your poem's just really good. Although you do seem to be subconsciously chanelling some angst. ^_^

Right... subconciously.... >_>

Thanks for the crits! I haven't heard anything about the scholarship yet, but I hope to hear within the month.

Personally, I didn't love Valentines Day even when I was in a relationship (which ended a few weeks ago). He was always more interested in doing something than I was. Being newly single, this hit me in the right way. The ending seemed just a optomistic, which is good. Kind of makes me feel better about being alone for now, because I might not be alone forever.