Goodbye forever

Now its my time to go
On to different places in the world
To find new discoveries
But this isn't why I am leaving.

I am leaving because I hate this place
It reminds me of place I don't know very well
It is a place called Hell
But Now that I am on my own

I can go anywhere I want to go
I am thinking of New York
No! Maybe LA.
Whatever it is I know its going to be great

So I called my parents to wish them well
Then I told them I am living in Hell
But I told them I am leaving to go far away
So I wave goodbye and wished them a great day.

dear dear dear, we need to get you some anti-emo pills.

Now its my time to go
On to different places [s]in the world[/s]
To [s]find[/s] new discoveries
But this isn't why I am leaving. [why would you mention it if it isn't important?]

I am leaving because I hate this place [emo, stop that]
It reminds me of place I don't know very well
It is a place called Hell
But Now that I am on my own

I can go anywhere I want to go
I am thinking of New York
No! Maybe LA.
Whatever it is I know it's going to be great [there are so many better things you could say than "it's going to be great"]

So I called my parents to wish them well
Then I told them I am living in Hell [then why did you say Hell was a place "I don't know very well"]
But I told them I am leaving to go far away
So I wave goodbye and wish[s]ed[/s] them a great day.


There's no support for why you want to leave or where you will go when you leave, or anything really. OH! I know what you need! you need bricks! basically the concept is that love, hate, dispair, ect are 'balloon words' that need concrete evidence to support them or else they float away and essentially get lost. bricks would be personal examples or solid analogies. my advice to you is take the concept of this poem [that you don't like where you are and want to move on] and rewrite it using bricks. just build a brick house while ur at it. then you can laugh at the big bad wolf that tries to break it down, because it will be sturdy and unshakeable. ^.^

Hey, this was really good! Keep it up! I loved it!!!

gothgirl01 wrote:Now its my time to go
On to different places in the world
To find new discoveries
But this isn't why I am leaving.

I Like this part but why put something that isn't very important to the poem. Good poem like it but got to work on grammar problems. This can be better.

... did you just review your own poem?

Yeah, she's been doing that... Luckily, good ol' Clau/Till/Suzanne came 'round and deleted all of her self-critiques.

You've been told of what you need to work, so I will say no more than: Work on it.

Best wishes.

~*Syd*~

interesting.................

*sigh*
Umm...
Firstly, you've posted a lot of your "work" here on YWS and for every piece you submit, you need to do at least two critiques. There's 16 things in your portfolio - you have 30 reviews - so you're in debt for two crits. But since I'm not a mod or anything...well, it's just something to consider, k?

Anyways. I'm sorry, but your poetry is pretty...lame. Every new "poem" you churn out is a reflection of the last: emo, self-absorbed, angsty and basically the same muck that's posted daily by teenagers all over the world. Keep this in your diary, please.

Instead of sounding like a broken record, why don't you go read the critiques I did for your other poems? I have nothing new to say here. It's just the same thing I tell you every time; why should I care?

Take xhalcyonx128's advice and use more brick words. That's all I have to say.

Do you ever read people's critiques of your poetry? Because I've been reading some of it, reviewed one, and I think I could probably copy my review of one of your other poems and paste it here. I'm not really sure what you're trying to accomplish on this website, because as far as I know, it's for sharing your writing, critiquing and getting critiqued, and hopefully improving (plus you meet other writers your age =P). You don't seem to know that, because you haven't really changed anything from poem to poem. They are all the same basic emo, self-pitying format. It would really behove you to actually read what other people have to say about what you're writing. Yes, not all of it is glorious praise, but you're never going to go any further in your writing if you just dismiss these reviews and dont even consider them as being helpful. I'm really not trying to be mean or anything here. I just want you to really think about why you're here if you're not going to try and use what people have told you to do to improve yourself as a writer.

This seemed more like something I'd put in a story as a character's lines than a pome. I would try a couple metaphors to make the reader think. Overall, I would rate this a 1 out of 5.

Well, first, I'd like to say this is beyond the need of a critique. Not being mean, but this poem has no meaning. It would be better off if you got up off of your emo-butt (no offense, but your emo-poems are infuriating me because I don't really appreciate emo people--life is good, it's not out to get you), throw this in your nearest trash receptacle, and start using people's critiques to your advantage and write something other than rubbish. Well, on to my critique.

gothgirl01 wrote:Now its my time to go
On to different places in the world
To find new discoveries
But this isn't why I am leaving.
What? You just jump right into 'now it's my time to go'. Why are you going? And, to find new discoveries? Finding and discovering means the same thing. You're just repeating yourself.

I am leaving because I hate this place
It reminds me of place I don't know very well
It is a place called Hell
But Now that I am on my own
How does it remind you of Hell if you don't know Hell very well? It doesn't make sense. Do you even think before you write? And your last sentence 'But now that I am on my own' is incomplete. You have your stanzas screwed up.

I can go anywhere I want to go
I am thinking of New York
No! Maybe LA.
Whatever it is I know its going to be great
See, the last line in the stanza above goes with the first line in this stanza. How do you know it's going to be great and why do you want to go to New York and L.A.? We want description girl!


So I called my parents to wish them well
Then I told them I am living in Hell
But I told them I am leaving to go far away
So I wave goodbye and wished them a great day.
Okay, so you told them you're living in Hell. And then you tell them you're going to live far away. Again, you're being repetitive. How did you wave them goodbye if you called them?

Those are just a few things you should work on. Trust me, there are more. I understand that people make mistakes. But you are putting no effort into fixing yours and making things better...

Good luck.
-Monki