Summer

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 270
The best season of the year is summer
Homework and test are a thing of the past
When summer’s over it is a bummer
Looking forward to cool pools and cookouts
Going to the beach is a real pleasure
Playing in the sand and clowning about
Finding an oyster for a real treasure
Leaving the beach will make you want to pout
Spring, fall, and winter will never compare
To the full trees and pretty flowers
The animals are happy as are kids
Parents are glad to spend time with children
When the other seasons past without care
You don’t mind, because summer’s in the air.
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 270
I can't wait until summer starts.
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 640
Reviews 19
Awesome poem, i LOve summer! kewel, kep up the writing
APPLE! PEAR! ORANGE! AND NOM-NOMS.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15961
Reviews 661
Overall, you handled the sonnet form very well, which is brilliant. I think the first line reads a bit awkwardly. I'd reverse it so that it reads;
"Summer is the best season of the year."
Then I'd rewrite line three accordingly. I think that should work, as line three was a bit weak anyway, and the "it is" sounded forced. I'd also add punctuation to the piece as a whole. Try reading this aloud so that you can get a better sense of where the commas and full stops should be.

"Finding an oyster for a real treasure" sounds a little strange. Maybe try something like "Finding an oyster to store like/hoarde as treasure."

"To the full trees and pretty flowers" is a syllabyl short, and I think that the imagery here is too weak.

I'd cut;
"The animals are happy as are kids
Parents are glad to spend time with children"
and rewrite them, as they're too weak. Try showing the reader rather than telling them.

You handled the couplet well, but I'd try;
"When other seasons have passed without care."

I understand that the sonnet form can be restrictive innitially, and this is not a bad attempt by any means. If you like sonnets I would strongly recommend writing them regularly. With practise, you will begin to sound more natural and you will, for the most part, be able to say what you want in spite of the restrictive nature of the form.

Other than that, this was a sweet, cheerful poem. It could use some polish, but this is by no means a poor attempt.

Good luck, and I hope this helps.
Jas
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 270
Thanks you two. I will try to write more sonnets and hope to get better at it. :)
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 18178
Reviews 1259
Using sonnet form for poetry is not an excuse for ignoring punctuation! This rolls on without any hints to the reader about pauses, which makes it pretty hard to read.

Some suggestions:

The best season of the year is summer,
Homework and test are a thing of the past.
When summer’s over it is a bummer;
Looking forward to cool pools and cookouts,
Going to the beach is a real pleasure.
Playing in the sand and clowning about,
Finding an oyster for a real treasure,
Leaving the beach will make you want to pout.
Spring, fall, and winter will never compare
To the full trees and pretty flowers.
The animals are happy as are kids,
Parents are glad to spend time with children.
When the other seasons past without care,
You don’t mind, because summer’s in the air.

Note the insertion of punctuation. Think of punctuation in poetry as a way of guiding the reader through the poem, telling them where to stop, pause, etc. It helps with the flow.

Otherwise I thought it was a well-constructed sonnet, although the subject matter has been done and overdone a million times. Hopefully next time you may be more ambitious and go for something different.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.



How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.
— David Foster Wallace