Just die

17 posts1, 2
User avatar
written_on_my_heart
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 41
Fri Jan 11, 2008 9:02 pm
written_on_my_heart says... · Fri Jan 11, 2008 9:02 pm
awww... how sad... but we all feel this way sometimes... is this anything that connects to you personally? I really like this poem! It is short, sweet, and to the point.
"Am I that obvious? And if it's written on my face... I hope it never goes away." Pieces of me, Ashlee Simpson :)
Quote




User avatar
Monki
Gender Female
Points 1210
Reviews 99
Sat Jan 12, 2008 5:13 am
Monki says... · Sat Jan 12, 2008 5:13 am
Hey Linds! Long time, no talky. Anyways, I'm trying to become a mentor, so you are going to be the first person to get a 'thorough' critique from me. ;) Lucky you!

Here it is :

I can't stand it anymore!
Just die <--------I think there should be some sort of punctuation here.
stop laying in the hospital bed <--------Capitalize the 's' and again, maybe some punctuation.
Just die <---------Ditto.
you're killing me on the inside <-------Capital 'y'.

Sickness, Illness, Disease <-------Hmm... why are all of the first letters in caps?
I don't know what it is
but you won't get any better so please, <-------Capital 'b'.
Just die!

You keep having these episodes
Making me think it's the end
but you make it <-----Capital 'b'.
It's never the end of the road


My favorite part of this whole poem was where it said : 'It's never the end of the road'. Great poem. Keep up the good work. (But, I do think that you could have used jucier, descriptive words.) ;)
Tom Riddle: "You read my diary?"
Harry Potter: "At first, I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book."
Quote

17 posts1, 2


Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown