Weighting On Sir Real

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Weighting On Sir Real (It Was The Butler, In The Lounge, With A Broken Picture Frame)

Curling wicks of candles, caked in colored wax.
Count them to your lucky number;
13 eyelash strings, with one dust-deadened wish
scraped in saliva and finger oils on a window.

Your elbow to the sill, paw-prints present
from that internal beast in repose,
his cage lined out in stomach-skin folds.

A noose around a bottle neck.
Hoist up addictions and premonitions
on a fist-thick twine to skies.

Teach me like the string you taut.
The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
Ernest Hemingway




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You have some wonderful imagery in here: every line makes a wonderful picture. It flows really well, and your line breaks and stanzas all worked well where they are. As a reader, I could tell this was well developed and thought out by you - a nice read. Some ideas to improve further, though:

"Hoist up addictions and premonitions
on a fist-thick twine to skies.
"

'Fist-thick twine' is a bit of a tongue-twister. Similar sounds or alliteration are always good to read in poetry as long as the reader doesn't stumble.

Also, maybe I just don't read enough poetry, but I thought parts of this were kind of unclear. I wasn't completely sure of your purpose or intent at some parts, but others (like the final stanzas) really hit the goal. Just my opinion, but you may wish to clarify a few things near the beginning.
"[Maybe] If they don't light it, it can never go out."
^Mary, from Heat

>Previously known as green_river<



That's just what translation is, I think. That's all speaking is. Listening to the other and trying to see past your own biases to glimpse what they're trying to say. Showing yourself to the world, and hoping someone else understands.
— Ramy (Babel by R. F. Kuang)