Lost At Sea

Lost At Sea

Have you ever felt displaced?
Like you didn’t belong where you are.
Your mind is unable to find rest.

Your heart pounds,
Like the waves against the sand.
Only to be pushed around, never still.

Have you ever felt like you have been running,
For so long your feet no longer touch the ground.
You turn around and the scenery hasn’t changed.

Standing on ground that is not sure.
Crying out even though
You’ve been silent for so long.

Reaching for things that don’t matter.
Staying bitter of things long past.
When will you understand you can take no more?

You scream out with eyes closed tight.
You feel the pain that so much time has gone by.
Searching for peace, as a river flows.

You have no where to go but down.
Wearily you fall to your knees.
A release of tears long held in.

Your soul cries out for one gentle touch.
A quiet whisper in your ear.
And then you hear it as a breeze moves the leaves.

He knows your name.

Kim...


Good God.

"Standing on ground that is not sure
Crying out even though
You’ve been silent for so long"

This is enough
to make
experienced

readers vomit.

Consider dropping all the tired associations--in fact, consider dropping the whole thing, since it's all one tired association. How many times has human nature been compared to the water: effervescent as it is unsettled, introspective yet reflective of its surroundings? And yet, in your feeble attempt, you have not done anything towards furthering the millenniums of work done on this analogy, simply rehashed and vomited up the same old stuff.

I'd suggest letting this drift into the sea of a wastebin as fast as possible.


Best,
Brad

[Sighed at Brad's terrible literature temper problems]

Kim, unlike some others; I quite liked this. I don't think it was as good as your other poem; "The thin line between love and hate." but nevertheless, it's good. I like the kinds of imagery you set about the place, and how you use the imagery to create the emtions in the reader and make them want to read on.

Your last line was actually truly captivating and I think it was some good word choices there; I like it when a poem finds closure in the very last words and makes the reader, in a way, sigh a breath of satisfied relief.

One thing I'm going to say though is; I think you could add a lot more punctuation into the poem. I am talking about the boring old period/full stop and the casual comma, but I also think you could add some semi-colons and such in here to create a lot of different pauses and create more tension.

Other than that, you have some wonderful foundations here. No-one is perfect, after-all.

Hey!

Well, this was interesting. I didn't quite understand it all, but the last line left some mystery. Ok, I agree with Ginger: you need punctuation.

A poem is about the tension and adding punctuation will help that ten fold. (wow, who says that word anymore?)

Well, I liked it alot Kim. It's up there, next to My Sister and uh..the other one that's up on my wall (I can't remember the name right now)

Yeah, so it's really good, but not my favorite.

Sorry!


BBB

thanks for you honest comments. i will definately learn from this one.

I think this was good.

I didnt understand it though.

But it was good. :]

I like it! *grins and pokes* at least i popped in.

I found it really intersting and mysterious poem,

your imagery was well written as well

thank you angel, i really appreciate it

kim